For Good - Part 3

Posted by BB | Labels: , , | Posted On 31 March, 2010 at Wednesday, March 31, 2010

I, Beloved Boyd, am a Gay Mormon Boy and everything I say here is the truth to the best of my knowledge:

So after about 3 weeks into our relationship Joseph and I had talked about all sorts of things. We had planned a trip down to Vegas; we had spent the night in the same house (but did not “sleep” together); we went to the candle-light vigil for Governor Huntsman; we had even been through ups and downs and everything in-between. What we hadn’t faced was the best holiday in the world… for straight people.

Yep, Valentine ’s Day was coming up and for a new gay couple the romantic holiday meant for men to satisfy their woman was a daunting and scary idea. But at heart I am a romantic. A few days before I made sure my big plans were all in place.

We would start off with dinner at The Cheesecake Factory. I had a friend there and so I was able to score a Valentine’s Day reservation. We showed up, waited maybe 5 minutes and then had a nice pleasant romantic meal. We had a quite booth in a corner that gave us some privacy. We talked about all sorts of things including our upcoming trip to see RENT! (one of Joseph’s favorite musicals) All in all it was a great dinner.

Next on the evening’s agenda was a romantic ”chick flick”. Joseph had expressed an interest in the previews for “Confession’s of a Shopaholic” and so we drove to the theatre and sat down near the front of the theatre. We had a few seats to ourselves and were able to use them to cuddle through the entire movie. It was sweet and romantic, not in the sweeping gesture fashion, but more romantic like the old couple who has been together for years.

After the movie we talked and things were wonderful… or so I thought. In reality, everything had changed. Valentines was one of our last night’s together and, for me, it was an attempt to piece things together. You see a few days before I became completely existentialist. I began to doubt everything. I doubted that God existed; that I cared for Joseph; that I had a testimony; that I had had a spiritual revelation.

A couple of days before Valentine’s Day I talked to Ethel and told her that we were probably going to break up. I was getting manic-depressive & quite bi-polar and it was visibly hurting Joseph. I had some sense slapped into me by Scott, but overall it only gave me enough life to carry on the relationship for a bit longer before I knew I needed to end it for Joseph’s sake. Just like Edward had to leave Bella for her own good, I felt the need to end things with Joseph. And yet I wanted to keep the feelings of love intact too.

I was confused and hadn’t made up my mind, but that was when I got a letter that put my life into perspective.

For Good - Part 2

Posted by BB | Labels: , , , , , | Posted On 30 March, 2010 at Tuesday, March 30, 2010

I, Beloved Boyd, am a Gay Mormon Boy and everything I say here is the truth to the best of my knowledge:
After I finished my interview I sat down and watched Joseph step into the hot seat. I had been so nervous myself that I hadn’t thought to see if he needed comforting. He seemed nervous before the interview started, but as he eased into the questions he loosened up a bit.

He spoke about the difficult times on his mission, his trials through life, and his previous fights with depression. It was tough to sit through it and feel the emotion and pain poring out of him. But when we finished he seemed to be more comfortable with things.

As we finished, Emily Pearson commented how we were the cutest innocent gay couple she had ever met. She even promised to help us out if we ever needed it. Reed thanked us as well and told us that he was impressed with our courage to stand up and voice our stories.

After talking with Reed and Emily, we left the pride center and got into Joseph’s car to go to my first gay party. (not quite HA!) For those of you not familiar with Scott and Sarah’s MoHo Parties, they are a bit different. From the outside they look just like any other typical party with friends. There is plenty of finger food, conversation, karaoke, and most importantly friends. Scott and Sarah’s parties are different because almost everyone there is gay or has a connection to someone who is.

These parties are a great way to make good friends who care about you. It was here that I first met many great friends that have influenced my life. These parties aren’t wild orgies as some of my friends have feared they might be; they do not have resident Packer waiting in the back room waiting to issue excommunication to those in attendance; and they are not a meat market for guys to pick people up. (Although a few dates have happened because of a chance meeting at Scott and Sarah’s)

This was my first experience there and on opening up the door, Scott’s kids called out Joseph and my name and I felt at home again. I met so many new people at this party. I met the couple who has been together for 14+ years and their twins. I met many friends like Lance, Lance and Jon. But most of all I was able to open up in a social setting for one of the first times.

I was gay and nobody cared. Joseph and I were together and nobody cared. We sang show tunes and only a few people cared! It was a grand experience and I wouldn’t trade it for the world! If you ever have the chance to go to one do go. The friendships and warmth offered have changed my life and helped me get to where I am today.

For Good

Posted by BB | Labels: , , , , | Posted On 28 March, 2010 at Sunday, March 28, 2010

I, Beloved Boyd, am a Gay Mormon Boy and everything I say here is the truth to the best of my knowledge:

After about 2 weeks into our relationship Joseph and I had a rare opportunity. Through Scott and Sarah we learned that a film producer named Reed Cowan would be making a documentary called 8: The Mormon Proposition. You may have heard about the movie or even seen it at its debut in Sundance, for those of you who haven’t, 8: The Mormon Proposition is a film that documents the efforts (alleged and open) of the LDS Church to pass Proposition 8 in California, a ballot initiative to ban same-sex marriage in California.

Reed’s goal with the film, as expressed to me at the time, was to document the trauma of the Church’s policy on LGBT Mormons. I learned that he was looking for gay mormon boys to tell their stories and so, after some persuasion by Joseph, I consented to go downtown and take a look at the filming. I thought I might participate, but I couldn’t know until I got there.

As I waited and watched I listened to the stories being told. I heard the straight actor from Hale Theatre who spoke out as an ally for his gay mormon friends in the theatre. I heard the bi woman who considered herself truly lucky to be blessed with an understanding husband because church leaders were so far from understanding. I saw the lesbian couple who struggled for their rights in, what they deemed as, the theocracy of Utah.

As I listened to these stories I was immobilized by fear. Could I really stand up and share my views? Would I be excommunicated for participating in this film? Did I have anything worthwhile to share? Joseph could sense my trepidation and so he held my hand and draped his arm around me for comfort. I felt like I had when I first told Hayden for the first time. I was literally shaking.

I then heard Emily Pearson tell her story of her father who left her family to live with a partner only to die of Aids in the arms of his ex-wife Carol Lynn Pearson. I heard her tell of her husband who had left her to live a gay bohemian lifestyle. I then heard her vilify the Church for the policies and teachings that had led to these traumas in her life.

At some point during this I realized that I needed to tell my story. I needed to speak up and so Joseph and I stepped forward together and had a few photographs taken of us and then I was wired with a mike and placed in front of the camera. Emily Pearson got permission from Reed to help conduct the interview. The lights went up, the cameras turned on and the interview began.

I don’t know what exactly was asked or how I answered the questions, but I do remember focusing mostly on my suicide attempt and how I didn’t feel remorse or anguish towards the church, only pain that it wasn’t talked about more so others could be helped.

After the interview I was calm and felt comforted by telling my story. It was the beginning of a new chapter in my life but even I didn’t know it yet.

Dancing Through Life - Part 5

Posted by BB | Labels: , , | Posted On 26 March, 2010 at Friday, March 26, 2010

I, Beloved Boyd, am a Gay Mormon Boy and everything I say here is the truth to the best of my knowledge:

After spending almost 14 days straight with Joseph, my mom decided that she had had enough. One day, while sitting in the kitchen tying my shoes, my mother told me that it was about time she met Joseph. I was blown away by this change in her. She had a couple of rules that we had to follow for her sake, but I could bring my boyfriend and soon-to-be fiancé home to meet my mom.

First my mom's rules:
  1. No Touching - She didn't want any visual reminder that we were actually in a relationship. I couldn't hug Joseph, Absolutely no hand-holding.
  2. It would be a small dinner with just the three of us. Walter (my step-dad) would be purposefully excluded.
  3. When my mom said dinner was over and she had had enough we would have to end it, no questions asked.
Three simple rules that we were to follow and, in an effort to be accepted by my family we readily agreed to. Joseph and I had talked about the eventual family visits that would take place and how little interaction we would have so that there wasn't undo discomfort.As the evening drew closer Joseph and I got more nervous. Luckily we were always in communication and so we could assuage each other's fears.

On the night of dinner, I was nervous, wondering what would happen. Was this a trap laid by my mother? Was she going to do something drastic and homophobic? How would Joseph react to my mother - a blend of 1950's class and modern chic style? Was this a plot to break us up? I really didn't know what to think but as Joseph pulled up to our front door dressed conservatively and sharp my worries were calmed.

I opened the door for Joseph and let him into my house, we didn't hug. I brought him into the kitchen to meet my mom. She was warm and inviting and soon thereafter we sat down and enjoyed a few bowls of chili as Joseph told his story. My mom was focused and involved, she didn't pull back into her shell. She was the perfect hostess.

That was when we told her that we were planning on getting married in Boston and that we were going to, like good Mormon boys, wait until we were committed to each other before we took things to the next level. My mom seemed to be okay with that and the conversation moved forward.

After dinner Joseph left and I talked with my mom for a bit getting her reaction and judgment on Joseph. She liked him and was glad that they had met. He provided a different image in her mind as to whom I was dating. Before she knew a name but that was about it, now she knew that she had raised me well enough to go for the good boys and not the bad ones.

Dancing Through Life - Part 4

Posted by BB | Labels: , , | Posted On 25 March, 2010 at Thursday, March 25, 2010

I, Beloved Boyd, am a Gay Mormon Boy and everything I say here is the truth to the best of my knowledge:

At one point during our courtship, Joseph and I went on a date where I met a few of his friends.

Lance G. – An economist. Lance G. had that blend of introvert and extrovert worked out just right. He was a little shy at first, but opened up when he needed to. Lance G. was dating Jon.

John – An English student who was strong and secure with himself. He was outgoing and confident, also cute as a button. John had his entirely life open to him with many choices of what he could do.

Lance K. – An artist. Lance K. must have had a double heaping of the Raisin Brahms when he was a kid. He was musically and visually talented. In fact it was through him that we were all going to this musical chorale concert.

As the five of us watched the choir we couldn’t help but point out the obvious gay boys, bad hair and amusing facial expressions found throughout the vocalists. We enjoyed the music and the company, but after the concert was over John had to go to work. The 4 of us were hungry and so we went out to eat, just Joseph, the Lance’s and I.

Once as we stood in line, twice more at the dinner table, and once more on the ride home I noticed an interesting group dynamic. Joseph and Lance K. would begin talking about music and theatre and art while Lance G. and I would talk about economics, prisoner’s dilemma, and John Nash.

I don’t know where it came from but it felt like I had been surrounded in discussion of musicals and theatre and shows and arts and singing and acting and dancing & now I was introduced to new conversation topics. I was enthralled.

This had been the first real experience of mine on a “double date” where I was talking more with my date’s friends than with my date. It was new and I liked the change of dynamics in discussion.

After we dropped of the Lance G. at his house, I commented to Joseph about how nice it was to see John and Lance G. as a couple and how it was nice to meet Joseph’s other friends. He told me that I had been well received. It made my day.

We drove back to Joseph’s and talked about our future plans. Us as a relationship and the next steps we were taking on our journey. We had a few crazy days ahead of us and those are stories for tomorrow. Because it was shortly after this that my Mother gave us the biggest shock of my life

Dancing Through Life - Part 3

Posted by BB | Labels: , , | Posted On 24 March, 2010 at Wednesday, March 24, 2010

I, Beloved Boyd, am a Gay Mormon Boy and everything I say here is the truth to the best of my knowledge:

And so Joseph dubbed me Fiyero and for me he was Hamlet, my sweet prince and together we were the utterly cheesy couple that, as one commenter emailed “[our] sweetness would induce diabetic shock”. Along with every cheesy couple comes a date where you compare music tastes. For us that happened early and I shared with Joseph the song “Best Thing” by Relient K.

Ironically enough, it is a song about finding Christ as the best thing in your life. For us it was a love anthem. Lets face it, the first stanza spoke to the both of us.
”It's been a year
Filled with problems
But now you're here
Almost as if to solve them
And I can't live in a world without you now

We both had lived through traumatic lives the last year and then suddenly we found each other. When our arms entwined our hearts soared and we wondered how we wound spend time apart from one another.
”All my life
I've been searching for you
How did I survive
In this world before you
Cause I don't wanna live another day without you now

This is the best thing
The best thing that could be happening
And I think you would agree
The best thing is that it's
Happening to you and me
”Cause when I looked into your eyes
And you dared to stare right back
You should've said "Nice to meet you, I'm your other half"
This song described how we felt our relationship was going and it was truly bliss. Joseph shared with me a couple of (obscure) musicals and their music that was great and has helped me throughout my life.
First is Bare: A Pop Opera!

Bare is the story of two Catholic schoolboys who are in a forbidden love. One of them (Peter) is ready to open himself up and come out and the other (Jason) would prefer to keep the status quo and stay hidden in the closet. It is a touching musical and I was only introduced to a couple of songs. One of those songs, Roll of a Lifetime was a personal anthem for me in times of despair because I could feel Joseph singing this song to me.

The other song that Joseph showed me hit me as an important facet in my dance through life. It is a song from Children of Eden called ”Lost in the Wilderness”. It is sung by Cain as he laments about his lot in life. It described my pain from days gone by and later in life has become my anger song. Give it a listen.

Dancing Through Life - Part 2

Posted by BB | Labels: , , | Posted On 23 March, 2010 at Tuesday, March 23, 2010

I, Beloved Boyd, am a Gay Mormon Boy and everything I say here is the truth to the best of my knowledge:

Today’s entry is the continuation of the same conversation with Joseph from after watching Prayers for Bobby with my Mom. But rather tan describe it I have recreated it here thanks to GChat. Some of the grammar has been altered, and a chunk was removed, but it gives you a sense of how smitten with each other we both were.

Joseph: I'm so twitterpaited!!!!
Boyd: me too and that does't help my commitment issues
Joseph: What is your fear?
Boyd: Fear provided by the same little voice of repression; that this isn't love but only twitterpation
Joseph: We talked about sex today
Boyd: A lot lol, without having any!
Joseph: See, we are mature The twitter is just a little cute thing
Boyd: I know but it scares me a little that I might be doing the wrong thing but the rest of me feels so complete. So I say Majority wins
Joseph: Why? Everyone feels that way though
Boyd: Yeah I know, but it is new to me
Joseph: Let me take that from you
Boyd: I have given into that doubt and repression for so long that nothing else had room to voice itself and so I now that I have begun to silence it, it is rising up in protest. Maybe it is just indigestion?
Joseph: I think so!
Boyd: Lets hope so and that it will wear off with a few nights rest
Joseph: Boyd, I'm willing to help you through this
Boyd: I know you are my pride hates me accepting help though
Joseph: I know, but I want you to know, you're worth it. You're my life, My all
Boyd: I am not perfect, but your right I might be worth it. You on the other hand are wonderfully perfect
Joseph: Might? You are!! Man I'm so into you!!
Boyd: I am so in love with you!
Joseph: Me too!! Man, I want to move in together one day!!!!! I wanna wake up next to you
Boyd: I want to marry you!
Joseph: heart skip a beat
Boyd: and not look at another person but you
Joseph: I don't look at guys anymore. Just you
Boyd: wake up in the middle of the night and find you right beside me
Joseph: And kiss ya
Boyd: I am starting to see guys like I see girls, attractive in their own right, but not really attractive to me.
Joseph: I'm feeling that way I just want to be with you
Boyd: Me too! If this were not the woman who birthed me I would be driving to meet you right now
Joseph: Oh, please just come!! LOL But If its not ok, Then ok
Boyd: I feel it would be best for me to stay
Boyd: Heart fluttering with the thought of you
Boyd: Had I talked to her post-Bobby tonight I might have come but she was too emotional to talk and so leaving the house and spending the night elsewhere random would have not helped
Boyd: When is the next movie night at Scott and Sarah's?
Joseph: Don't know we can plan it
Boyd: k let me know If it is on a sun/tues/Thurs/Fri/sat I can do it.
Joseph: Usually the weekends
Boyd: yeah so friday or saturday night should work or sunday nights
Joseph: So can be hang tomorrow?
Boyd: hopefully I have to find out plans and see what I can pull off. K?
Joseph: Of course
Boyd: I love you!
Joseph: I love you too..
Boyd: goodnight sweet prince I must bid thee adieu and good night
Joseph: Goodnight my Fiyero. Text me if you need in the night. I will have my phone on
Boyd: k Love you!
Joseph: Love you.
UPDATE: In honor of El Genio's brilliant observation

Dancing Through Life

Posted by BB | Labels: , , , , | Posted On 22 March, 2010 at Monday, March 22, 2010

I, Beloved Boyd, am a Gay Mormon Boy and everything I say here is the truth to the best of my knowledge:

I apologize for the lack of writing these past 2 weeks. My computer was giving me problems and so I took it into the Apple Store to get fixed. Boy! Are those guys busy? It seemed to take forever to get my computer fixed. But my computer is back and so am I.

Back to my story. When we last met, I had just finished watching Prayers for Bobby with my mom. It was a great movie and I learned a lot about my mother’s stance on things. After the movie I talked with Joseph. He wanted me to come over to Scott and Sarah’s with him so we could digest everything. Instead of taking place in Joseph’s arms, it took place over GChat.

Joseph cried when Bobby tried to take the pills to kill himself. I told him how my mother’s greatest fear for me was that I would fall in love, have my heart broken and because of that be driven to suicide. His response was “Boyd, I will NEVER hurt you.” We decided that Prayers for Bobby is one of the greatest gay movies of all time.

I told him the random things my mom did that were completely odd.
1. She asked me if Joseph was “like me” instead of asking if he was gay.
2. She asked who pays for the dates and was wondering who wears the pants in the relationship.

We continued our chat and confessed our love for each other even more. We discussed our boundaries; the swimsuit area (as it is often called) was off limits until Joseph was ready to go there. He had been hurt in the past and wanted to protect himself. I told him that I would wait as long as he needed us too, even if it was until after we were married.

Yep, my mind, in typical Utah Mormon fashion, was already thinking about marriage. As Nicholas told me just the other day, “The Church has a great way to promote families and marriage. It’s a one step program; Absolutely no sex until marriage. Then you are guaranteed to have a plethora of weddings.”

So there I stood completely stricken with love. I had dated Joseph for such a short period of time, but I thought that I wanted to stay with him forever. There is a simple Disney-esque term for this love. It happens to everyone each spring. You see the couple on BYU’s campus coming out like ants marching two by two. It is twitterpation and I was totally twitterpaited.

What is this Feeling? - Part 5

Posted by BB | Labels: , , , | Posted On 05 March, 2010 at Friday, March 05, 2010

I, Beloved Boyd, am a Gay Mormon Boy and everything I say here is the truth to the best of my knowledge:

Rather than describe the next date with Joseph I have decided to take a moment and talk about my Mother in all of this. About a month had passed since Walter tried to commit suicide and our lives were stabilizing.

At this point I had heard about the movie Prayers for Bobby and one day had bravely asked my mom if she would take the time to watch it with me. I hoped that in watching a show about a religious mother and her gay son that my mom could come to accept me openly and lovingly rather than what I felt was begrudging acceptance at the time.

The Sunday after I met Joseph was the premier event for this lifetime movie. I asked Walter if he would join us as well and he said he would stay as long as he could. As we started watching the movie I connected with Bobby. Here he was, a Presbyterian gay boy in the early 80’s who felt a deep connection to do what was right and to obey and respect his mother.

However Bobby went through a few stages that mirrored my own. Bobby snuck out and visited the gay club, a point in the movie that my mother had me skip as she turned away with disgust. This was akin to my first night at the club with Hayden in Seattle.

Meanwhile, Bobby’s mother tried to enforce discipline and change Bobby by posting scriptures everywhere and forcing him into bible camps and the like. My Mother, after I left BYU, was similar. She kept constant inquiry into my consistent scripture study and ensured I participated in healthy, “wholesome” activities with other guys.

Bobby left home to stay with his friends and that is where he bloomed and found a boyfriend. I returned home from Seattle to Utah where I finally bloomed. I had begun to find a boyfriend and that was something I longed to discuss with my mother. But when Bobby kissed his boyfriend David I looked at my mom who continued to stare out the window.

When Bobby was heartbroken I felt his pain in the memories of Hayden. When Bobby thought of killing himself I knew his feeling of loneliness. When Bobby jumped off the bridge the connections with Bobby shifted to away from a connection with Bobby and towards one between the two mothers.

My mother surely felt the trauma that Bobby’s mother felt when she heard the news. I could feel the pain spreading between the two mothers in the room. As the movie progressed I hoped that my mother would become an advocate and supporter rather than becoming simply tolerant of me.

After the movie we started to have a discussion and I was left with a couple of distinct insights into my mother’s view. 1st, she didn’t want me to explain homosexuality from a religious perspective. She feared for her own testimony. 2nd, I learned that she really did love me regardless of who I loved. Finally I learned that she deeply cared for my happiness and that meant all the world to me.

What is this Feeling - Part 4

Posted by BB | Labels: , , , | Posted On 04 March, 2010 at Thursday, March 04, 2010

I, Beloved Boyd, am a Gay Mormon Boy and everything I say here is the truth to the best of my knowledge:

Saturday should have been our 1st date and it turned out to be our 3rd. Honestly I cannot remember exactly what we did that night, but to the best of my ability, I believe that our date began with me picking Joseph up at his apartment downtown.

We got into my car and immediately Joseph slid over to the middle seat right next to me. I took his hand in mine and carefully drove with one hand. We went down to the gateway and into California Pizza Kitchen. As we sat and ate, we secretly held each other’s hands under the table. It was so cute.

We walked upstairs and watched a movie care of Larry H. Miller. I can’t recall which one, but I was there with Joseph and it was wonderful. About halfway through the trailers, we began to do the movie theatre cuddle. It lasted for the rest of the movie and then we left the theatre still terrified of the outside world. We walked out of the theatre like two good friends, not as we truly were, two boys in love.

We got back to my car and I drove Joseph home. We parked outside of his apartment and as we began to finish our current conversation thread I leaned in and gave him a kiss.

As a typical Mormon Boy Scout I had seen and memorized The Princess Bride. I knew that one of the final scenes describes Buttercup and Wesley’s first kiss.
Since the invention of the kiss there have been five kisses that were rated the most passionate, the most pure. This one left them all behind.

To me, at this kiss was better than any stolen kiss from Hayden, any lustful kiss for Darryl, or any whorish kiss from the johns at the gym. This kiss was honest, heart-melting love incarnate in the passion that only spread lips can express. It was gentle at first but grew in strength and passion with such force that it felt like a nuclear reaction was happening within the cells of my lips.

It was the kiss of two boys who both cared for each other; two boys in love with each other. And so as Joseph and I sat in the car kissing for over an hour and a half it came to the eventual conclusion. I leaned over to Joseph and whispered, “I think I am in love with you Joseph.”

I am in love with you too Boyd. You make me feel at peace. When can we see each other again?”

“Well tomorrow is church, and my mom won’t want me to go out anywhere tomorrow, and besides that, she has agreed to watch Prayers for Bobby with me.”

Joseph and I settled on Monday morning for our next date, breakfast at his house. In the meantime, I had a date with my mom to watch an influential Mother-Son Gay Movie. I wasn’t about to pass it up.

What is this Feeling - Part 3

Posted by BB | Labels: , , , , | Posted On 03 March, 2010 at Wednesday, March 03, 2010

I, Beloved Boyd, am a Gay Mormon Boy and everything I say here is the truth to the best of my knowledge:

Friday morning started out like a typical school day. I went to my classes and chatted constantly with Joseph. I was nervous and excited to be meeting his surrogate parents later. I made sure I put on something nice, applied my cologne, and scraped my tongue clean. I wanted to make a really good first impression.

Joseph and I met in the same parking lot of the Ice Cream shop. I got out of my car and into his and off we went. I was completely nervous and all I could think about was the movie title and trailer for “Riding in Cars with Boys.” We talked all the way there, and after I made a witty comment; Joseph put his hand on my knee. I quickly took advantage of the situation and reached out and took his hand in mine.

It felt great to hold someone’s hand again. Hayden was fresh in my mind, and his trepidation from holding hands was completely absent in Joseph. His slender hand in mine felt right, it felt good. Eventually we got to his parent’s house and I braced myself for a new situation.

We knocked on the door and were greeted by 3 kids yelling “JOSEPH JOSEPH JOSEPH!” I introduced myself to them and gave them big hugs. Then Scott and his wife Sarah introduced themselves to me.

We spent the night getting to know each other over some of the best hot chocolate I have ever had. When the kids went to bed I told my whole story to them, including my fears and doubts that all of my spiritual impressions were just me fooling myself. I heard Scott tell some of his and Sarah’s story and I heard some of Joseph’s darker tale as well.

As we talked Joseph and I sat on the couch and slowly began to hold hands through my difficult story. I drew strength from Joseph’s hand resting in mine and became a part of everyone’s life. It was a remarkable feeling.

Towards the night’s end, Sarah told me that she felt that when we were holding hands we were happier and brighter souls. Scott thanked me for bearing my testimony to him and telling him my story. He told me that he knew my testimony to be true as I told it. This helped me get off the ground later when I was feeling down.

As we left, Joseph and I hugged everyone goodbye. I felt really good after meeting Scott and Sarah. They were open and honest with me and they cared for me. It was a wonderful feeling. So Joseph and I got back into his car and we drove back to mine. As we talked for a couple of hours just holding each other, we set up another date for the next day.

What is this Feeling - Part 2

Posted by BB | Labels: , , | Posted On 02 March, 2010 at Tuesday, March 02, 2010

I, Beloved Boyd, am a Gay Mormon Boy and everything I say here is the truth to the best of my knowledge:

Saturday was the only day that worked out with both of our busy schedules, but as the week started and Joseph and I kept talking we realized that we couldn’t make it until Saturday. We talked and talked for hours on end. I told him my whole story, my indiscretions at BYU, my whole backstory I have told you these past few months. I relayed this to him over a period of about 2-3 days.

While sitting in the Institute building at the U of U, I decided to say “To Hell with it” and asked him what he was doing on Thursday instead. We set plans and a couple of days early we had our first date, Ice Cream near his work. I began the date timid and shy as the first rays of the sun, but soon overcame that feeling.

In order to arrange this date I had to move some things around and miss some LDS Frat activity, but the worst part was that I had to lie to my mother about it. I told her I was heading out and when she asked me where I lied straight to her face. Why? Was I ashamed of being gay? I think I still was at this point.

I left home and rushed through traffic texting Joseph the whole way there. I ended up beating him to the Ice Cream parlor by about 10 minutes. I sat there for those 10 minutes not fully knowing what to expect. I had seen pictures of Joseph and heard his voice, but this was the first time I had ever met anyone in person that I had first met online. I didn’t know what to expect.

When he walked in the first thing I noticed was that he was very different from Hayden. Hayden was into sports like basketball and while skinny was built. Joseph was skinny. He was a bit taller than me whereas Hayden was about my height. He also had a lot better sense in style than Hayden did.

We walked up to the counter together and, using gift cards (of course I paid for the both of us. We sat down and talked…. And kept talking. We were both scared out of our minds because we were new to gay dating. There were some silent moments, but we spent those times playing tag with our eyes.

I would stare ever so intently into my cookies and cream and then slowly look up into Joseph’s face as he would shyly avert his eyes. He was afraid that I didn’t like him in the same way he liked me and so he looked away. He enjoyed my brown eyes and deeply stared into them. It was a little different, but I liked it.

As we finished our Ice Cream Joseph suggested something I wasn’t fully prepared for. He wanted us to leave the store in his car and go meet his parents. Not his living blood parents, but the family that had, under a time of stress in his life, taken him under their wing.

I looked at my watch and saw how late it was. I had to decline. Then I pulled out my phone, looked at my calendar and realized that I could get away with time the next day after his work. So we made plans to meet for our 2nd date a day before our scheduled first date. I was nervous and afraid but knew that there was someone who I liked involved. I could do this, maybe.

What is this Feeling? – Part 1

Posted by BB | Labels: , , | Posted On 01 March, 2010 at Monday, March 01, 2010

I, Beloved Boyd, am a Gay Mormon Boy and everything I say here is the truth to the best of my knowledge:

After I met with Elder Christensen I felt ready to get over Hayden, I felt ready enough that if something came along I would go with it. And as it turned out something did come along that completely changed my life.

While I was in Seattle, before my suicide attempt, I joined Northstar. It was on Northstar that I met a friend who talked to me while I the pills were starting to take effect. He happened to be on the receiving end of a few of these calls and so, as usual, he sent out a text message to fellow gay mormon boys asking them to pray for me.

Enter Joseph. He received this message and in turn asked for my information. Somehow we got connected on Facebook and started chatting. Joseph was working in Salt Lake while I was going to school at the University of Utah. He hadn’t had a boyfriend and described himself as an SSA guy. Although he told me via chat that,
“I am beginning to see that homosexuality when done in a loving context with one person may not be wrong so many people think that it’s horrible and wrong. I just don’t see that anymore”
Joseph and I started talk about Mid-January and as we talked we got closer and closer to each other. I would sit and chat with Joseph nearly all day long. I would have my chat up during my classes and in looking at my chat log we had nearly 2500 lines of chat before we even met each other.

We talked about our collective pasts and our ideas for the future. We talked about work and school, love and friendship and we all around flirted in nearly every line of chat. Sarcasm abounded and after about 2 weeks we decided to take things to the next level.

We decided to go out on our first date for the next Saturday. We never made it to Saturday but that is the story for tomorrow.