Posted by BB | | Posted On 24 July, 2010 at Saturday, July 24, 2010

I, Beloved Boyd, am a Gay Mormon Boy and everything I say here is the truth to the best of my knowledge:

So sorry that I have to disappoint you but I promise I will be back with the conclusion soon. Something has come up in my life that I have to attend to before I come out to you, my readers. I will be back soon.

A Sentimental Man - Part 5

Posted by BB | | Posted On 23 July, 2010 at Friday, July 23, 2010

I, Beloved Boyd, am a Gay Mormon Boy and everything I say here is the truth to the best of my knowledge:

Mohinder got my Christmas letter and sent me another response via air mail. I would have gotten it around New Years but because I didn't have my mail being forwarded I got it when I flew back into town for my birthday. Here is what his new letter to me said.
Dear Beloved Boyd,

You know, I love you. I got your Christmas letter and I just saw you in my mind with that big grin. I love that about you. You are just the coolest lovable friend I ever had.
It also turns out that you are hard working! Wow, it seems that you went through alot [sic] of crap to get a job. I'm glad that through the opposition, you conquered all.
This whole "coming out of the closet" has really defined your life in the last year. I think that things have been difficult for you because you haven't had the most supporting friends. I hate to say it but I'm one of them. You know, I don't know the appropriate responses for any situation, let alone the complicated ones. But I think that Jesus would say a sell springing forth with love might come close to a good response. So Boyd, when I come back, there's a well waiting for you.

your good friend (and well)

Elder Mohinider
I read these words on my Birthday 1 year after I came out online. Again I broke down and had to go downstairs to the basement to cry. I love Mohinder. He is one of my greatest friends and I was saddened by his turn around.

Part of the reason I have held off writing for the past while (besides being absurdly busy) is the fact that 1, most of my story had been told. and 2. Mohinder gets back from his mission in just a couple of days. I wanted this second to last series to be about him, my final of my best friends and how he had transformed.

This is my second to last series because I am going to save next weeks for wrapping up what has happened in my life and pulling down the mask behind my identity. Some of you know me already because you are smart or because I shared this with you either online or in person. but for the rest of you stay tuned for the week long conclusion of Beloved Boyd. He has served his purpose and it is time to be completely truthful.

A Sentimental Man - Part 4

Posted by BB | | Posted On 22 July, 2010 at Thursday, July 22, 2010

I, Beloved Boyd, am a Gay Mormon Boy and everything I say here is the truth to the best of my knowledge:

After that letter Mohinder and I had little contact. I wrote him a couple of times and still got his letters but it wasn't until this last Christmas that I sent him a major update. I sent him a Christmas letter that detailed, month-by month what my life had entailed. Half of it was inspired by this blog and details some stuff I will be covering in the future... maybe. But here it is:

Dear Mohinder,

It has been an eventful year for me. Probably one I will never forget. I have had my fair share of ups and downs, but through it all I have always had people in my life to help me along. This year a lot has happened so lets start at the beginning.

Christmas 2008: I had recently come out as gay to my family and was beginning to tell a few close friends. I was returning from Seattle where I had been on an internship. I was about to start a full semester at the University of Utah. I was 19 years old and I was scared. I didn’t know what lay in store for me; what I should do with my life; whether I should work towards a celibate life or look for a partner, a husband.
The Christmas season was not good for me at all because I feared being alone for the rest of my life. I watched the movie “Love Actually” and the closing song is “All I Want for Christmas is You.” As I watched the movie and listened to the song and saw how everyone found someone special in the end I got frustrated and emotional and angry and felt the agonizing emptiness of being alone creeping into my life. It was a charged season, but my Mother held me and showed me she loved me. 

January 2009: In January I researched as much as I could. I visited the temple to do baptisms for the dead and gain a better understanding of where my Heavenly Father wanted me to go. I studied bible chapters in Hebrew and Greek looking for the truth hidden by translation and interpretation and the years that separated the Lord’s words and I
This month was also when I met Joseph. He was the first guy I really dated and the first time that I felt like I wouldn’t be alone in the world. Joseph also introduced me to Scott and Sarah, a wonderful couple who have opened up their doors, and more importantly, their hearts to other members of the church who are gay. Their warmth and willingness to listen helped sustain me throughout this year.

February: In February I was still struggling with figuring out what I should listen to; The spirit that told me I should prepare to find a husband, or the words of inspired men that told me I was less than, that I was in a lifelong trial. Because of this struggle I decided the break things off with Joseph so he wouldn’t have to see and go through my depression.
This month I also met Alan [Rob]. A lawyer from San Diego who helped me refine my writing for my Internship paper. His editing helped me organize my paper and my way of writing in general and that has helped me immensely.
This month was also when Mom surprised me by telling me that she wanted to meet Joseph. That she was willing to sit down and have dinner with the guy I was dating was so encouraging. It was a tactile demonstration of her love for me that I will never forget.

March: March is when I took a big step and told the majority of my friends that I was gay. I came out through Facebook and the comments of support and love were precisely what I needed. It was a big step, but I decided that for the longest time I felt like I was alone and so if I could help someone else realize that there were others like them that I just might save a life. So I opened myself up to questions and began to share my story with others and it has been worth it.

April: This month I spent locked away studying for finals and writing 97 pages for my classes. This was when I discovered that I could write about many topics from different perspectives and to not fear voicing my thoughts and opinions on paper. Alan’s help on my previous paper laid the groundwork for a successful semester.

May: I started off this month with graduation. I had finished my schooling, received my Bachelor’s degree and was ready to find a job. Unfortunately so were tens of thousands of people across the country. I built my resume and applied to every job I could find online. I was beginning to get tired of searching when I decided to work for a local political campaign

June: I spent June working for the campaign. I continued to apply for jobs and was always refining and redoing my resume and cover letter.
During this month, many of my high school friends and acquaintances found me and came out to me. They told me their stories and I tried to help them as best as I could. It is a tough struggle and I was glad that I could connect with many people and aid where I could.
Towards the end of the month I discovered that a conference that I had wanted to go to was being offered at a cheap price to students. I did the math and figured out that it was worth the flight if I could get the lower costs covered. So I talked to the campaign and convinced them to pay for my admission. This conference held the very people that I had spent the past 2 years studying and it was a great experience.

July: After the conference in NYC, I spent a week on the hunt for a job. I was blessed to have several people open their homes to me. I can honestly say that the city tried to get me down, but I got up again. This job hunt literally took my sweat, tears and blood.

August: I finally started to get phone interviews and one particular day I had 2 phone interviews. One of them was for a temporary position with the potential of staying on longer. I aced the phone interview and 5 days later was on a flight out to interview with the company. The 2 interviews I had went very well and the added support I had from my boss at my Seattle internship helped put me over the edge and secure me the job I had been so desperately searching for.

September: I had landed the job and was set to move in 2 weeks time. It took a while to say goodbye to everyone and it was hard. I had my family to say farewell to, recent Returned Missionaries, and all of the great people I had met through school, church, and since coming out that I had to leave behind in Salt Lake. Some friends that were hardest to leave were the ones I had just met who I wanted to get to know better. But hardest of all to leave was my mother because I am such a momma’s boy.
Mom, you still can reduce me to tears of joy when I recall how you hugged me a few days before I left and told me that you were proud of me. Proud of me, not just for landing a job but for how far I had come in the past year. I love you mom and want you to know that.
This was also the month that I started the job. I met my co-workers who think that it is amazing that I am 20 and so ahead of the curve. I discovered that my job is a lot more technology based than I thought, but it has been a great discovery.

October: I moved into my room in the city. After 2 exhaustive weeks of searching I settled for a good place that was close to work. It turns out that I made a bad choice as I discovered towards the end of the month. As it turns out, the house I am living at is where my landlord’s friends come to get stoned before they head out to the bars. So I discovered marijuana smoke coming from the basement and began my search for a new apartment with much better roommates.
I also discovered the TV show Glee and met some friends from the ward who get together to watch it. This was the start of my real integration into the ward.

November: I started off November discovering that my roommates also don't grasp the concept of personal space, particularly when they are drunk. I came home from a party late one night to discover that they had let their friend pass out in my room where his beer bottles also were. I doubled my efforts to search for a new apartment.
I found a great apartment with good roommates, all and all it was perfect. I was about ready to take it when someone mentioned that it was about 100 yards outside of stake boundaries. This meant that I had to keep searching. This happened just 2 days after my 1-year anniversary of my brush with death. They say that anniversaries of certain events can trigger depression and suicide and I had sought to avoid getting hit with this. It was depressing and frustrating, but then I realized how happy I was this year compared to last and I snapped out of it.

December: This month at work, one of my clients told my boss how much she appreciated my hard work. It lifted my spirits and helped me to realize that I have been doing a good job at work these past few months. It made me realize that I like doing what I am doing and might continue with the technology side in the future.
I was able to find a new apartment and should move in mid January. Tomorrow I fly back to Salt Lake, Christmas really begins and I will be with my family. That is pretty much my year.
As I look back and see how far my life has come I realize how far I have come this year. I started out angry, depressed and lost. Over the course of the year I have become happy, stable, peaceful and found. It is a wonderful feeling and I couldn’t have done it without you in my life so, thank you.


PS. I know I haven’t written you, but you needed an update, specifically on the past few months. You have helped shape me over the course of my life and so I wish you a Joyous and Happy Christmas.

A Sentimental Man - Part 3

Posted by BB | | Posted On 21 July, 2010 at Wednesday, July 21, 2010

I, Beloved Boyd, am a Gay Mormon Boy and everything I say here is the truth to the best of my knowledge:

I still have the 10-page letter he mailed to me from India and I am going to share with you a few of the things Mohinder wrote to me.

"You are in Apostasy. I'm sorry, but that is the truth. It's not because you are 'evil', but because Satan desires you. He is tempting you and leading you with "carnal desires". You desire your own will, therefore you recieve an "answer" that coincides with that will. ... Satan has put in your mind that you are gay, when the truth is that you are an addict to compulsion. Your nature has changed as you have given over to Satan, just as your nature is changed as you are given over to Christ" (emphasis in original)

He also challenged me to "Go and look at yourself in the mirro, look yourself in the eye, and see if these thoughts come into your mind: I am proud of the man I am today. I am a beautiful clean Son of God. Jesus Christ has made me into the person I am today. This is the test to know what line you are standing: [with] God or [with] Satan. Determine how you got there as well: by following the testimony of the apostles of your own."

I look at myself in the mirror and while I see faults emanating from my past sex life and looking at pornography but when I look at my sexuality I see a beautiful child of God that is loved and cared for by my Elder Brother Christ, who intimately knows what I have been going through.

Mohinder shared one last thing with me that I will share with you.

"I will never forget the man I know you are: a man of courage, love and a seeker of truth I have faith in you and those around supporting you."

His letter cut me like a knife. I felt wounded and in I remember falling to the ground in tears many times as I read the words he wrote to me. His words were one of the few that had the power to change my life and they did. His words helped shape me and my heart into a callous piece of stone that has learned to deflect what people say about me. I became uncaring of people's opinions about me except a few. Mohinder of course was one of those.

A Sentimental Man - Part 2

Posted by BB | | Posted On 20 July, 2010 at Tuesday, July 20, 2010

I, Beloved Boyd, am a Gay Mormon Boy and everything I say here is the truth to the best of my knowledge:

When the silence was finally broken it was via air mail three weeks later. I got a fat envelope delivered one morning and when I read it I wept. I wept in an agony that I didn't feel with Hayden or Joseph. This was a gut wrenching agony that ripped me to the soul. My heart cried out like a book taken from the forbidden section of the Library at Hogwarts.

In the letter, Mohinder called me Apostate. I was being led by Satan. He told me that Homosexuality was an abomination. He quoted Leviticus, Romans, Timothy and Corinthians and told me that my heart was being controlled by Satan, that I had given myself to Satan just like I needed to give myself to over to Christ to be cured because I wasn't actually gay. It was just a myth perpetrated by the devil.

Mohinder told me how he nearly went apostate shortly after he was baptized. His Father gave him some Anti-literature and it threw him for a loop. I was apparently going through the same thing. I was going apostate and needed help. Towards the end of this 10 page letter he told me that he had spent about 10 hours researching this material on my behalf and wouldn't be able to do that again while on his mission.

Mohinder, You spent 10 hours to find this research. I had spent about 5 hours a day studying this and he had the gall to tell me that his 10 hours meant more. It hurt. i felt stabbed in the heart by one of my best friends. I decided that I needed to take a break from talking with Mohinder and so I did.

A Sentimental Man - Part 1

Posted by BB | | Posted On 19 July, 2010 at Monday, July 19, 2010

I, Beloved Boyd, am a Gay Mormon Boy and everything I say here is the truth to the best of my knowledge:

I sent Mohinder the email and waited. I knew when his Internet time was and sent the email a few hours before he woke up P-day morning. I didn't hear from him that week and so I waited for a week. Then another. And then I got a response.

"Boyd You dropped a bomb on me....... I don't know what I can tell you that you haven't heard before. In fact its not even my place to say anything. I'll ask my mission president....."

Needless to say this was more than I was expecting, but not more than I had hoped. Mohinder was the only person I had come out to who recognized that I didn't need to hear about this article from Elder Oaks. He recognized that I would have done my research and that was incredible insight. He wanted to continue the conversation with me and that must have taken a lot of courage.

Then all I heard from Mohinder was silence. A silence that lasted longer than the silence when I came out to my mother.

Something Bad - Part 5

Posted by BB | | Posted On 16 July, 2010 at Friday, July 16, 2010

I, Beloved Boyd, am a Gay Mormon Boy and everything I say here is the truth to the best of my knowledge:

After talking to Mohinder about my realizations I knew I had to talk about my transformation.
In early October, after coming out to my dad, I was trying to discover if God existed and I was hit with this immense and intense feeling of burning within my soul, In that instant I knew that God existed, that He loved me, that the Savior loved me and suffered for my sins, my pains, my afflictions, my sorrows, and my joys in the Garden. I felt so happy and warm inside for the next few hours, I wanted so bad to shout for joy, to share that feeling with others, it was amazing and miraculous.

Then, having this immense belief in God and Christ I became even more conflicted with my life, and my future and trying to reconcile these two core parts of myself that I one would have to be destroyed in order for me to continue in life. Trying to make a decision was gut wrenching. Each side I looked at seemed so right and true to me. How could I be expected to make a decision like this? I ended up talking myself into a know and I felt that either way I chose would devastate my life, that each way I choose would kill a part of who I was. I was feeling so torn as you saw in my emails to you and I got myself to the point where I decided that I could not choose between to parts of me, I would let the Lord do that once I left this earth and because the decision couldn’t just be left alone, I resolved to get myself off this earth.
I then told him more of my attempted suicide and from there moved onto catching him up with the next series of events. I told him about my frustration leading me to seek a meeting with Elder Christiansen,
Before the meeting I went to the temple and while I was there I had the exact same intensity and immensity of warmth and burning of the spirit that I had had before except this feeling told me that I needed to find a husband and adopt children. So that others could come to know the truth of the gospel rather than languish in unbelief.

I was prepared to go into my meeting with Elder Christensen and bible bash scriptures to try to find a resolution to homosexuality in the church. You know me, I was ready to go in and push my way through and find a solution that worked. Instead, I went into the meeting and asked him what should I do when the Spirit told me one thing that the Church told me to do the opposite

He told me that the Lord would never give me a spirit that went against the words of the Brethren. That the members of the church will not be given promptings to correct the Brethren. That any feelings that I had that were contrary to the Church originate from Satan. He also told me that Satan does have the power to trick us into feeling the same spirit that the Lord sends.
I then told Mohinder about my existential crisis and the steps that pulled me closer to God rather than into Atheism. I then offered him my worldview on Christ
The Lord will give counsel the differs from the teachings of the Church because we each have a different mission to fulfill and until the church is perfected in Christ during His millennial reign, He will lead us to do what is right for ourselves and others. We are but one strand in the great tapestry, we do not know how we fit in but the LORD does for HE can see the big picture.

So this is where I am at so far in my life, this is what is going on. This is my big secret. My goal is to truly learn His will for me and to follow it. I seek to humble myself, to open my mind and soften my heart so that I can learn the mysteries of God as it states in Alma 12:10. I will do it. I will dedicate my life to finding and following the Lord, to following God and whatever he has for me in my life.
And with that it was done, I sent Mohinder the letter via air mail and by email and I waited for the response.