I'm Taking a Break

Posted by BB | | Posted On 30 January, 2010 at Saturday, January 30, 2010

Because of the hectic week ahead of me, the premiere of LOST, and the decent stopping point, I am taking this week off. I'll see you next week.

Deja Vu - Final Part

Posted by BB | Labels: , , | Posted On 29 January, 2010 at Friday, January 29, 2010

I, Beloved Boyd, am a Gay Mormon Boy and everything I say here is the truth to the best of my knowledge:

Walter spent the next few days at the hospital with my mom close beside him. Me, well I went back home and sat in stunned silence. The adrenaline had long since worn off and the shock was settling in. My mom had been taken care of and was getting back onto her emotional feet, I on the other hand was taking the emotions in waves.

First was anger. How could Walter be so insensitive? How could he even think to destroy my mom’s life like that? They are joined together in marriage and killing himself would have destroyed her. I was pissed and so I punched a wall. It hurt. The pain made me go downstairs and grab some ice. I cooled down a bit and sat in front of the TV and watched who knows what. I took the ice off and just lost myself in whatever Christmas special was on.

When I got up to grab a drink of water I hit my shin on the table. More pain. Pain was the next emotion I was hit with. The pain from my hand; the pain from my shin; the pain from being told that I didn’t matter. By trying to kill himself Walter told me that I was a piece of shit. I felt like someone had punched me in the face. As I sat there on the couch I was in pain at feeling so unloved. It was the pain of Hayden all over again. I sat there and just wanted the pain to stop hitting me. So I began to focus my mind into the pain and chill of my hand.

It was then that I remembered a similar pain in my hand. The pain I felt when I tried to vent my anger before thanksgiving. To ease that pain I took a pill and then another and then another. It was now that I remembered this that I felt the next wave. Although, to be fair it felt more like I was strolling along the street and Irony came up and hit me with a 2x4.

Bitter irony because I realized, “Oh, Walter did almost exactly what I had done. He left several voicemails for my mother telling her that he was going to end it. (I left one). He then became unreachable and hard to find. My mom tried to get a hold of me but couldn’t and only after several hours discovered that I was safe at the hospital. Walter was depressed and in pain and wanted to end things, so was I.

I saw firsthand and felt, personally, the pain of an attempted suicide. It was then that I was hit with empathy. I now knew precisely how my mom felt, I knew how my siblings felt when they found out the news. It was then I had a giant breakthrough that saved my life. I went from thinking that I would never “try” to commit suicide again to knowing that I would never kill myself. It is so painful to those who are left behind that I know not to do it and I committed to that fact.

I had grown in my capacity for empathy. I could relate to the pain in others like never before and I had committed to never take my own life. These proved to be invaluable in the coming months. Stay tuned for further journeys of a gay mormon boy.

Deja Vu - Part 4

Posted by BB | Labels: , , | Posted On 28 January, 2010 at Thursday, January 28, 2010

I, Beloved Boyd, am a Gay Mormon Boy and everything I say here is the truth to the best of my knowledge:

When I entered the Garage I knew it was all over. We saw Walter’s our family car (in storage) and Walter’s car that had been missing from the new home. There was another empty bottle of booze on the hood of the car. Our eyes searched but we didn’t see Walter. We kept looking and that was when one of us found the side door. It had been kicked open and the door jam was shattered.

It was then that Sally from the phone company told me that while she couldn’t activate the GPS (I wasn’t the owner of the phone) that she had called the local police and they had Walter at the hospital. We loaded up the cars, called Walter’s Brother and drove to the hospital.

After waiting in the ER for a couple of hours I heard more of the story. After downing the bottles of alcohol, Walter had started both cars in the garage and sat in his own. Shortly thereafter he passed out. At some point during the carbon monoxide poisoning Walter woke up and found his car turned off and his body writhing in pain.

He reached for the phone and called 911. Somehow they extracted his address and figured out what was going on. They broke down the side door and cleared the garage of the poisonous fumes. They pulled him out of the car and an ambulance rushed him to the hospital.

A couple hours later I was able to see him. When I did face him I was angry. “How could you even think of doing that to us?” I mentally threw at him. “How could you just abandon us and leave my mother a message telling you what you were going to do?” My anger was so hot that I didn’t see the reflection and the déjà vu of the situation.

Walter was transferred to a different hospital and put into a chamber designed to increase his levels of oxygen so he wouldn’t get the Benz. He recovered and lived, and was then sent over to a psych ward for observation, therapy and medication. It was a rough week for my mom and I and it gave me time to reflect on the entire situation.

And so that was how I spent my Christmas break, pissed at the world, mostly alone with my thoughts. Tomorrow I will deconstruct them for you.

Deja Vu - Part 3: Walter's Background

Posted by BB | Labels: , , | Posted On 27 January, 2010 at Wednesday, January 27, 2010

I, Beloved Boyd, am a Gay Mormon Boy and everything I say here is the truth to the best of my knowledge:

The following is truth to the best of my knowledge, but I, Boyd, did not live through it, I have only heard it told to me:

When Walter was growing up in the Southern United States, his working class family seemed to do okay from his perspective. They weren’t well off, but they did as best they could. Then one day all that changed for Walter.

One day Walter came home to find his father’s body in the bathroom. For reasons I don’t know he had taken his own life. This shattered Walter’s world. Leading psychologists state that having a family member commit suicide vastly increases your chances to end your own life.

Their father’s death hit the family hard and Walter, being the oldest, became the de facto father figure. So not only was he dealing with his own personal suffering, but he felt the added responsibilities of being the man in the family. Despite these struggles Walter stayed in the Church and after holding on through high school, he left his younger brothers and mother to serve his mission.

While in the field he received some further devastating news. One of his younger brothers had taken his life as well. This again altered Walter’s life and greatly increased his chances for taking his own life. He almost came home from his mission, but stayed out in the field and finished up his last few months. After returning home, his brothers and he made a pact to keep an eye on each other.

They knew that they were at very high risk for suicide and so they took precautions with each other. Walter had a good friend, former stake patriarch I believe, who became his father figure. I had heard the name mentioned a couple of times and so when I talked to him on the phone I knew that it had to do with Walter.

And tomorrow we go back to the garage and the devastation I found there.

Deja Vu - Part 2

Posted by BB | Labels: , , , | Posted On 26 January, 2010 at Tuesday, January 26, 2010

I, Beloved Boyd, am a Gay Mormon Boy and everything I say here is the truth to the best of my knowledge:


Usually when my mom yells my name there is trouble; sometimes it is just a call for my attention; sometimes she is calling for me to bring something to her; and sometimes it is to wake me up. This yell was neither of those and yet it was all at the same time.

As soon as I heard my name the adrenaline was pumping through my blood. I was bolt awake and running out of bed. My mom was in trouble and she needed me. This scream was far beyond the wails I heard during my parents divorce. I knew that something was wrong and within seconds I had jumped down the stairs and rushed to my mom.

She was sitting on the floor in agony, something was wrong. I spotted the phone she was holding out for me. She was pleading me for help. I heard a voice on the other end, “Hello?” I asked “Hello can you hear me?” Nothing. It was a voicemail. I didn’t recognize the voice but he started to leave a number.

I saw my mom’s eyes pleading with me, trying to communicate through the panic attack and tears. I replayed the message and took down the number. Fearing the truth I asked, “What’s going on mom? What is happening? What do you need from me?” She struggled out a name and I knew who left the message.

I called the number I had written down. The man’s voice answered and I told him who I was and that my mom was here on the ground in shock. “What’s going on?” I timidly put forth. “It’s Walter.” he said, “We can’t get a hold of him and he left us some worrisome messages last night. Is he there?”

Immediately I jump back into overdrive. Walter is my step-dad, and he has had some serious depression lately for a long time. I run outside, his car is gone. I grab my cell and call him, no answer. I go to my mom and get her breathing a little bit better. “Mom, Listen to me. What did Walter say to you? Any idea where he is?” It takes me a minute but I get her calmed down enough to tell me that he has left several messages on her phone; one of them mentioned our old house that was still on the market.

I tell the man on the phone where we think Walter is and that we are going to head on over there and we will meet him there. I get my mom up out of the floor and get her to the car. She decides to get in and drive to calm her nerves; it works and lets me call the phone company to tell them to activate the GPS on his phone.

We get to the old house and find empty bottles of greygoose vodka. The rooms are all empty. We head out into the garage and that is where we see the devastation.

Deja Vu

Posted by BB | Labels: , , , | Posted On 25 January, 2010 at Monday, January 25, 2010

I, Beloved Boyd, am a Gay Mormon Boy and everything I say here is the truth to the best of my knowledge:

The beginning of the tear in my Nightingale Façade with Hayden began just a few days before we were scheduled to go home from Seattle. I knew that my homecoming would be an interesting and unprecedented arrival to my life and to a new house my mom and step-dad had moved into.

I was still down and depressed from time to time because I wanted to know what to do. I still had the mentality I had in the psych ward that I wouldn’t “try” to commit suicide again. I didn’t know a lot of things. And that freaked me out.

I didn’t know how my mom was going to react to me being home. She could be sad and down, mad and upset, or aloof and distant. All three scared me. I feared that she would act like the mother from Latter Days. I would meet her at the airport only to discover that instead of giving me a hug she would keep her distance as she handed me a coat.

I didn’t know what to expect from my siblings. I knew that they were supportive of me living and may have said anything that would keep me alive during my phone calls with them. I feared that my brothers would treat me like a diseased person. Keeping their distance while trying to cure. I didn’t know how my sister might react but luckily she wasn’t in Utah either so I didn’t need to worry too much about her.

I didn’t know what to expect from the new house. My family had moved several times throughout the years and so I wouldn’t be restless in the new house, but would it be home? I had seen the place before I left for Seattle so I knew what to expect, but I feared that my room would have been moved to the basement. I felt like the kid in home alone with the thoughts of his basement.

So when I got off the plane I was frightened. Nervous and anxious are also words that describe my feelings. I came through security and met my mom at the car. She got out and gave me a big hug. It melted my resistance, and took away my fear. On the way home she talked about how my brother’s were wondering what I was up to that week because there was a video game party that I was invited to. Comfort and the normal were returning.

We got to the new house and my mom had made sure that I was taken care of. I had my soft bed, clean sheets and a warm heart waiting for me. It wasn’t a fairyland or a rehab center. It was home, my new home.

I was beginning to get settled in when one morning I woke up and knew my world had been turned upside-down, again.

The Nightingale - Conclusion

Posted by BB | Labels: , | Posted On 22 January, 2010 at Friday, January 22, 2010

I, Beloved Boyd, am a Gay Mormon Boy and everything I say here is the truth to the best of my knowledge:

That last night on the couch I realized something. When I up from Hayden’s lap and saw his eyes my thoughts began a metamorphosis. I saw the compassion in his eyes, but mixed with my own pangs of guilt and seduction I realized the truth. His eyes pitied me.

That moment, that hour was the apex of our relationship. From that point on I began to realize the truth. I wasn’t in love with Hayden. It took me months to come to this realization but I finally discovered what had happened. Why, I wondered, why did I fall so hard for Hayden?

I searched for the answer within myself, and for a time I thought I was defunct. I thought I was broken because even after that night I looked for Hayden in everyone I met. When I looked for someone to go out with I began to classify guys by how close they were to Hayden in my mind. If you weren’t close enough then you “weren’t my type.”

I saw this illustrated in a movie and so I tried to avoid it when I started first went on a date after Hayden but it stuck around. I finally learned that I fell in love with Hayden because he was the first person to accept me for who I am.

There isn’t really a term for this phenomenon that happens so frequently in our world but I wish there were. It is a sudden attraction that hits you. You finally discover that you are not alone and you instantly bond to that person. Yesterday Gay Mormon Boy (GMB) posted his conclusion to his “AfterMARK” series. He has been discussing a couple of boys he dated once he dipped his feet back into the dating pool.

He made this observation that is strikingly similar to my own.
”It turned out my dreams for an atypical, manly guy were short-sighted and that my first love was still casting a heavy shadow over my love life and perhaps always would. My first love had become the standard every other man … in my life would be measured against, whether I liked it or not.

For us gay boys especially, but for everyone too, the first love stays with you and haunts your life as a specter of boyfriends past. In an attempt to quantify this phenomenon I have dubbed it “Nightingale Syndrome.” Urban Dictionary defines it best as:
”While not technically a medical syndrome, Nightingale Syndrome is known to be used to describe the situation in which a patient falls in love with his medical caretaker due to the vague bond created when healed by a complete stranger.

That is what happens to us as we come out and open ourselves to love. We are smitten by the first person that heals us with their love or acceptance. For me this is truth and is the reason this week’s series was entitled the Nightingale. Hayden, for all of my ups and lumps with him, is and was my Florence Nightingale. He is the one who brought me forward from the edge of destruction and towards a better life. Hayden, I owe you my life but it must be my own to live.

Beginning to close the door on Hayden opened up a new window in my life. It is true that when one door closes, God opens a window: granted, it may be out of reach or involve quite a long fall. Stay tuned to the Journey of a Gay Mormon Boy to find out which.>/i>

The Nightingale – Part 4

Posted by BB | Labels: , , | Posted On 21 January, 2010 at Thursday, January 21, 2010

I, Beloved Boyd, am a Gay Mormon Boy and everything I say here is the truth to the best of my knowledge:

That night at the club was one of our last weekends before we went back home and back to school. Hayden and I were rough after that, as you could imagine. I was hurt and he was shocked that I would leave him piss drink at the club to fend for himself.

Hayden and I were the only gay boys from the University of Utah in Seattle. We were all we had. We both had a sense of longing for something to fill our broken hearts and the only thing close enough was each other: I, the boy who was throwing himself at Hayden; He, the boy I loved, the boy who first accepted me for who I was. Naturally we made up and hung out a few more times.

Again and again I tried to show my love for him. I thought that if I was just persistent enough, that his wall would fall, his defenses lower and there would stand, alone, his heart an love for me. Granted, two weeks is not long enough to knock at the door, but my knuckles were bloodied, my head bruised, my muscles sore and my heart cold and alone.

WARNING – This post contains content some may find inappropriate, but it helped define who I am.

Hayden was fine in accepting any sexual advance I threw at him, but he refused to open up to me or make me feel loved. Each time I messed around with Hayden he would leave and finish himself off in the bathroom. Somehow I got it into my head that if I could perform well enough for him to not leave, that he would stay with me.

So I designed a plan. I made sure we were alone in my apartment as we were watching some show. We lay on the couch and after getting him excited I started to go down on him. He tried to pull me away, but his body was enjoying it too much for him to succeed. I continued despite the pain, despite his protests, and despite of the gag reflex that he was inducing. I just kept going and going until he finished.

It was then that the real pain struck. Like the lava burning the slopes of a mountain, the tears burned a path of self-realization through the dirt on my face. Although I never thought I would be, I was the archetypical harlot. I used sex to try to get my hearts desires. I used sex to ease my pain. I used sex as a weapon. I was a succubus.

And it hadn’t worked.

I was still alone, burning with the pain of my tears and the pain of who I was. I started this journey in Seattle by coming out of the closet as a gay mormon boy I was ending the journey by coming out in a new way. In that moment, with the tear rolling down my face I realized that I had been measured, I had been weighed, and I had been found wanting. I was obsessed with sex and had been for many years. It worked to define me and I wanted to stop it.

As the moment of self-revelation passed I looked up and saw in Hayden’s eyes the most compassion I had ever seen.

The Nightingale – Part 3

Posted by BB | Labels: , | Posted On 20 January, 2010 at Wednesday, January 20, 2010

I, Beloved Boyd, am a Gay Mormon Boy and everything I say here is the truth to the best of my knowledge:

I felt unloved by the object of my affections. If you have never known this feeling imagine this: You are surrounded by a warm summer meadow, the butterflies are dancing from bloom to bloom, but as you stretch forth and step forward, the meadow escapes you. I was Quirrell, I was Tantalus. I knew what I wanted and could see it, but it escaped me.

And yet this constant replay of rejection did not affect my resolution. I took every opportunity to be with Hayden, even if I ended up feeling stabbed in the chest. Eventually I got bitter and struck back at Hayden in a relatively cruel manner. I write this not because I am proud, but because I must.

It was Friday night and that meant we were going to hit the club. When I went down to Hayden’s room I found his roommates and he pre-gaming. Now he had pre-gamed before, but he was drinking a lot of wine and vodka this night and I noticed that his roommates were pouring it down him. Now, I do not drink and so the whole concept is foreign to me, but I knew he was fully liquored up before we left.

On the way to the club Hayden wasn’t feeling well, the alcohol had made him nauseated. Hayden told me that we could be something more together and I became confused. I thought that this might be the night that he realized that he was in love with me. He grew ill on the way to the club so we started to walk and Hayden ended up throwing up all the wine he had drunk earlier.

Eventually we got to the club and started dancing. Hayden started to dance up on me more so than ever before. I can only assume that he wanted to escape his life and so he had the booze and the guy to do it with. I was fine with whatever I could get and so I tried to kiss him. As I leaned in, he turned and separated from me.

We moved apart and started texting each other. I told him how I wanted to be with him and that he didn’t like me. Eventually his response was “You are going to be fine, with or without me.” This gave me mixed signals and so I wanted to get away and lose myself in someone’s lips and hips.

I began to look at other guys and a girl came up to me and started dancing with me. She asked me about myself and then introduced me to her friend, Dallas. Dallas and I danced and made out. And then we realized it was time to go. So I left without Hayden. I saw him, waved goodbye and saw him get upset. It made me happy.

I went home with the guy and fooled around to dull the pain. I then left and went back to the apartment building. I felt guilty and wrote Hayden an apology letter that was largely a lie. I shaped the email in a positive light. I asked for forgiveness and understanding and told him that Dallas and I just talked.

I wish these things hadn’t happened and wish that I was kinder to Hayden but I wasn’t. I tried once more to be with Hayden while in Seattle, but that is a tale for tomorrow. Warning, it will be explicit.

The Nightingale – Part 2

Posted by BB | Labels: , , | Posted On 19 January, 2010 at Tuesday, January 19, 2010

I, Beloved Boyd, am a Gay Mormon Boy and everything I say here is the truth to the best of my knowledge:

WARNING – This post contains content some may find inappropriate, but it helped to define who I am.

As I said yesterday, I started to get a little more adventurous with Hayden. I had a little more confidence in myself and it showed. Whenever we got together we usually ended up on someone’s bed watching something on the computer. We would watch a DVD, Queer as Folk, or in 1 or 2 times, we would look at Hayden’s “secret” folder named “XXX.”

This had been happening for about a month before I ended up in the hospital, but after I gained some confidence I started to change things. I had always been pushing for something more than just canoodling while watching a show. I wanted Hayden to be into me, I wanted him to love me as much as I loved him. So I tried to kiss him several times but was always rebuked. When I got back from the hospital my confidence striped me of my fear.

Instead of going in for the kiss, I would tease Hayden and make him horny. I would grind against him ever so slowly to get him hard. I wasn’t the timid Boca Raton retiree wading into the ocean anymore. I had become Johnny Lingo, fearlessly diving into the ocean. Now that I look back, I can see the dangers of the dive and the relative safety in wading in. But on one particular night I was oblivious to the dangers.

It was just like any other night Hayden and I hung out. We ended up in bed together spooning. Sometimes I was small spoon, but on this night I was big spoon. This night I was grinding up against him and I had my arms draped across his lower chest. Slowly I lowed them until I struck my goal. I began to beat him off.

To be honest, I was so smitten with Hayden that I was playing the Jezebel, the consummate gay whore. I never thought I would be that guy, but I was trying to seduce someone. I began to realize that truth right then, but my mind was able to instantly repress it – after all, I was pretty good at repression.

Hayden, being male, didn’t stop me. So, I continued. There I was, lying in bed with the guy I wanted to love me and what was I doing? Whoring myself out for his love and attention. This was the start of a thing between Hayden and I. I would start to beat him off and then when he got close he would excuse himself to the bathroom, finish up and then come back into bed. Leaving me untouched and unloved.

I felt like a leper. I couldn’t stand the lack of warmth, the lack of love I felt from Hayden and I was wounded. Eventually I became calloused to the wounds, but not before inflicting Hayden with some of my own.

The Nightingale

Posted by BB | Labels: , , | Posted On 18 January, 2010 at Monday, January 18, 2010

I, Beloved Boyd, am a Gay Mormon Boy and everything I say here is the truth to the best of my knowledge:

After I came out to my family and left the psych ward I spent a Thanksgiving with Ethel’s family and it was great. Both of her parents are psychologists and because Ethel had told them about my attempted suicide and so I had several long discussions with them about everything. I didn’t come out to them but we still had a productive and fun Thanksgiving weekend that I was and am very thankful for. When I got back to Seattle I had Hayden waiting for me.

Now to be honest I don’t know what was going through Hayden’s mind. The night I took the pills I had tried to go out with Hayden but he had turned me down. I wonder if he felt guilted into spending time with me. Regardless of the possible guilt we started hanging out more and more. Before the attempt we had spent time watching Queer as Folk together while often cuddling and so we picked that up again.

We would spend our evenings together and it was good. I felt loved again. It was a great feeling that was tainted with the agony over still not knowing what God wanted me to do. At the oddest moments I would get hit with the agony. It was the same feeling you get when you are eating stir-fry and someone mentions to you how those wide Chinese noodles are actually pig intestines. I would lose my appetite for life faster than the surge of vomit you probably just felt.

Then one night Hayden and one of the other roommates decided to take me to see Milk. As we sat in the theatre I was riveted by the movie. Sure I enjoyed James Franco swimming naked in the pool, but what made the movie was the phone call from Altoona, Pennsylvania. The pain that the kid felt and the fear he spoke with instantly called back the agony of life. In that moment I was the kid in the wheelchair. I felt his pain, I lived his fear. I cried.

Throughout the rest of the movie I began to feel a purpose for living again. I no longer felt that my life was a plastic bag being blown about by the wind. I had a goal and a purpose for living and it fueled me with passion once more. I was going to come out further and further. The more people who knew someone who is gay, the more likely they are to lend support to those in need.

This newfound goal made me a bit happier and I stopped feeling the waves of agony hit me like a hurricane. And as a result, I started to get more adventurous with Hayden, but more on that tomorrow.

Chad Faust

Posted by BB | Labels: | Posted On 16 January, 2010 at Saturday, January 16, 2010

here is Chad Faust looking like the Stallion on his shirt. Any gay mormon boy would be lucky to land a catch like Chadlook at that smirk and tell me a gay mormon boy wouldn't just melt. Cute, and well dressed. Sign me up!
Have you ever wanted to throw your cares to the wind and just go for the beautiful hunk of flesh with the total lack of personality? Well today's delight is someone like that, except he - like the bowflex he must use - is the total package. I first noticed Chad Faust in the USA Series "The 4400" where he was a cute 20-something with great hair. Then I forgot him as my interest in the show drifted. This was before I came out so I didn't write his name down or anything.
I admit, not the best shot of him exposed, but he definitely his adorable in this photo from the movie DescentI don't know about others in the Whoniverse, but I could see Chad Faust as the Tenth Doctor instead of Matt Smith. GMB, your opinion?
Well just the other night I watched the movie "Saved!"in which Chad plays a character who comes out to his girlfriend. His girl then thinks that Jesus needs her to sacrifice her virginity to "save" him. Well, she gets pregnant, he gets sent off to an ex-gay treatment facility and the rest of the movie is about how the girl deals with everything. Regardless, he is a good solid actor and a total hunk. I hope you enjoy cause I know I did.

Coming Out: Friends & Family Edition – My Friend Russell

Posted by BB | Labels: , , , | Posted On 15 January, 2010 at Friday, January 15, 2010

I, Beloved Boyd, am a Gay Mormon Boy and everything I say here is the truth to the best of my knowledge:

Russell Crowe is the most famous Russell I know. And the Rugby shot is for Alan over at scrumcentral.blogspot.comAfter I came out to Ethel I had one other member of my friends to tell. Nicholas, Hidalgo and Mohinder were all on there missions and so that left Russell. Russell was Mohinder’s roommate at BYU. He and I got along great and often had long talks about everything. When Mohinder was set apart, Russell, Mohinder’s best friend and I were the ones to do it.

After Mohinder left and I came out to Ethel I started testing the waters on Facebook. I left hypothetical status updates that would let me feel out some of my friend’s beliefs. This was one of them, again edited for grammar and spelling:

If you could only live one of the following lives, NOT both, which do you think would be a worthy life: 1, Focusing the majority of your energy towards correcting any sins that you commit, with most of your life focused on avoiding sin; or 2, Focusing a majority of your energy towards helping others, raising your family, and turning away from yourself even if it means that you are living in sin?

Russell was the heaviest commenter on this post and after talking with him over Facebook and through emails I knew that next time I saw him I had to tell him everything. So when I popped down to BYU to visit Ethel I stopped by Russell’s apartment we had a chat. We started talking like normal and then things began to get a little thick.
No this isn't me but it is how I imagined and replayed Russel's conversation with a gay mormon boy
We both began steering the conversation towards my post. Eventually we started discussing the two options and the false dichotomy they presented in my life. After talking in hypothetical for about 20 minutes I remember feeling the pressure building like the ebb before a tsunami. At one point I told Russell that we needed to cut to the chase.

This wasn’t a hypothetical and he knew that. This was my life and my choices ahead as a gay mormon boy. He took the news quite well and we discussed my options from a doctrinal standpoint for a while. As I got up to leave I asked him one final question. “Did you have any idea I was gay?” This is a question I ask most people because many of them had no idea. His response was by far the best.
“Boyd” he said, “I thought that you had knocked a girl up and were thinking of marrying her. To that, you being gay is almost a relief.”

Like you thought I would make it that easy? But because you read the photo alt text I'll give you a hint. This is a 30 yr reunion from an event in 1971
In the end, my family is still my family, my friends are still my friends and while I haven’t reached the end of the line yet, I think that we will end up with our arms around each other in a warm embrace, even after many years.

Much like GMB has done with his posts this week, I have a challenge. If you can guess who the people in this photo are then I will let you ask me any question about my past, present or future. Stay tuned for more in the journey of a gay mormon boy.

Coming Out: Friends & Family Edition – My Friend Ethel

Posted by BB | Labels: , , , | Posted On 14 January, 2010 at Thursday, January 14, 2010

I, Beloved Boyd, am a Gay Mormon Boy and everything I say here is the truth to the best of my knowledge:

Shortly after I called my family and told them and I met with the psychiatrist, I was able to leave the hospital. All this happened from Thursday night to Sunday Morning and so my work had little clue what was going on when I returned on Monday. After an uneventful day at work I got home and was on Facebook talking to Mohinder’s girlfriend Ethel. We were good friends and I had even stayed with her and her family at the beginning of the internship -- her family lives a few hours outside of Seattle.

We hadn’t really talked for about 2-3 months when she sent me a Facebook message. So I responded and gave her an update on life and then said that I had been in the hospital and I began with this statement. (PS, Thanks Facebook, for being a journal of sorts for me).

“So, A LOT of crap has hit me in the face lately and I have been dealing with it pretty regularly. Most recently I have been experiencing a Crisis of Faith (That's what I am calling it) A crisis that has had me pulled between atheism agnosticism, and the Church. Right now I am in the middle of working things out in my mind. In the midst of this, I realized that rather than deal with my struggle (which leaves me hurt and unhappy at every turn) I could at least graduate early from this life.”
(Some grammar and spelling corrected)

I then told Ethel the whole story but didn’t come out to her yet. She immediately called me and we had a 3+ hour-long conversation. She was concerned about me and with both of her parents as psychologists, she knew enough to know that I was hurting and possibly in danger. So a day or so later I get a call from her again asking if I have a place to go for Thanksgiving. I didn’t. So I was invited to her parent’s house for Thanksgiving weekend, without her.

That story is a long tale that I may tell for next week (still debating, we will see). I did eventually come out to Ethel over Christmas break last year and she took it decently. She didn’t act like my sister had, but she didn’t embrace me like my heart longed for. She and I are still good friends and we write each other infrequently while she is on her mission here in the states.

We will see what happens when Ethel, Mohinder and I sit down and talk about my life. For now though, those two are some of my best friends and I am so grateful for coming out to Ethel rather than staying hidden in the gay mormon boy closet.

Coming Out: Friends & Family Edition – My Sister Serena

Posted by BB | Labels: , , , | Posted On 13 January, 2010 at Wednesday, January 13, 2010

I, Beloved Boyd, am a Gay Mormon Boy and everything I say here is the truth to the best of my knowledge:

Mrs. Cleaver, the ultimate image of misogyny. ALways doting on the beaver and always subservient to her husband.After talking to Neil, the only sibling I had left was my sister Serena. Serena and I were always hanging out together growing up and even after she got married. She is 5 years older than me and she was the peacemaker in our home. She would stand up to my brothers and protect me from their brotherly torments. She was undoubtedly the blue in our family, very emotionally involved. I looked to Cody for leadership, Neil for humor and calm and I looked to Serena for sensitivity and love.

When Serena got married, she changed. She took on her husband, Peter’s, highly conservative point of view. When I was younger I looked up to Peter and liked his views because of his intelligence. However as I prepared to come out to them I remembered one particular time that made me fear the upcoming call.

A watch similar to the one that identified the guy as gay. As a gay mormon boy I would hate that watch!
It was the first day of EFY and Serena and Peter were bringing me to sign-in. We were in line and the guy in front of us was dressed quite modern, especially for the early 2000’s. He was dressed more emo than anything else; skinny female jeans and a thick leather band/bracelet/watch. Peter turned to Serena and said one word in Russian, “goluboi “ which is slang for gay. They proceeded to mock this kid for looking gay let alone actually being gay.

Sadly this wasn’t the only time I have heard them discuss gays poorly. In fact I have never once heard them say anything besides degrading towards them. Needless to say there was a reason I saved this call for last of my family. I finally called and she answered, “Hi Boyd, how are you”
“Well” pause. “I’m in the hospital, in the psych ward”
“Why?” she asked
“That’s where they put you after you, after you, after, afteryoutrytotakeyourlife.”

This picture illustrates the pain and agony I was feeling as I wept after the phone call with my sister. Being a gay mormon boy can be sorrowful.I stumbled over the words and eventually told her everything. I told her that I was gay; that I had been struggling with my sexuality so much that it had been too much to bear. She was speechless. Finally she told me that I was her brother and so she still loved me. She then ended the conversation and I hung up. And I wept.

That was the beginning of a long and difficult time. What had been a strong relationship that had endured for many years turned into shreds because of a phone call. Serena and Peter had been my rock, my foundation. They nearly stopped all contact with me and it was utter desperation for months. Finally I have resolved my personal differences with Peter and Serena but it has taken a long time and a lot of hard work.

Coming Out: Friends & Family Edition – My Brother Neil

Posted by BB | Labels: , , | Posted On 12 January, 2010 at Tuesday, January 12, 2010

I, Beloved Boyd, am a Gay Mormon Boy and everything I say here is the truth to the best of my knowledge:

Neil is my older brother, he is about 7 years my senior and Cody and he have always had a little brotherly scuffle between them. Neil was a yellow on the color code, playful and easygoing. However when it came to me they seemed to keep each other well informed. So after I left BYU, my brothers both knew that I had been looking at gay porn. I tell you this because I want to highlight a story that I told my brother and what must have been going through his head thinking that I might be gay but not knowing.

For a time after BYU, I worked at a restaurant. As anyone who has worked in one knows, sexual harassment runs rampant through restaurants. Working at this restaurant introduced me to my first few “real” gays. I worked in close quarters with a lot of servers, including these gays. One of these gays was a guy we will call Bubbles.

Wenis, the extra skin on your elbow. Not synonymous with penis
Bubbles was a flaming queen who was pretty touchy-feely. On this one occasion I was walking into the kitchen and Bubbles grabbed my wenis and said loudly “WENISSSSSSSSS!.”

Now for any restaurant, this is pretty mild, however when I told Neil this story one night he was mortified. He was about ready to go into my work and beat the living daylights out of Bubbles for me. He wasn’t about to have his brother’s “junk” grabbed by some flaming guy at work.

My brother assumed that Wenis meant Penis and therein lay the miscommunication. I can only imagine the thoughts racing through his head as he thought that his possibly gay brother’s junk was touched.

Neil was next on my list to call and I knew that he always had a level head and thought about everything before he reacted. Neil’s wife is spectacular and she would also be a good support for Neil.

Lt. Dan Choi silenced by Don't Ask, Don't Tell (DADT) at the National Equality March symbolically wearing Duct Tape Across his mouth in defiance of the US Government's position on homosexuality and the military
So knowing all this I gave Neil a call and got his answering machine. To this day we haven’t really sat down and had a discussion about my sexuality but he knows. He takes the stance more along the lines of “Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell” when it comes to my sexuality. I don’t know where he stands with the issue as a whole, but he treats me exactly as he has in the past. Sure sometimes his humor goes a bit queer but that gives me license to rib him back. After all, turn about is fair play.

Neil and I remain close and things look like they will turn out for the best in the long run so that is something deeply positive to look at (especially after last week). This leaves only one more family member, my sister Serena. But she will have to wait until tomorrow.

Coming Out: Friends & Family Edition – My Brother Cody

Posted by BB | Labels: , , | Posted On 11 January, 2010 at Monday, January 11, 2010

I, Beloved Boyd, am a Gay Mormon Boy and everything I say here is the truth to the best of my knowledge:

During the first meeting with my shrink at the psych ward he told me that now would be the perfect time for me to come out to the rest of my family. There wasn’t a better time than right then to impress upon my siblings that I was gay. So I began the journey of coming out further and I started with my oldest brother, Cody.

Now Cody is about 10 years older than me and he tried to serve as in my father’s role. On the color code he is a Red, ambitious and a leader. He was the person who gave me “the talk” and told me not to masturbate before I even knew what it was. He was about 18 at the time so I can only imagine what it felt like for him.

He had discovered my gay porn on my computer a couple of times and had been in charge of my computers’ parental controls over the years as well. He had suspected for some time that I might be gay but he didn’t say anything to me. His brother-in-law had come out several years prior to my suicide attempt and so he had already gone through the initial shock of having someone close come out.

As I lay on my bed under suicide watch with the phone in my hand I knew that he would be the first person to call. His wife could support him and it would be the easiest call to make and yet I trembled as I dialed placed the call. He answered my call right away and that is when I discovered that he had been whom my mom had turned to.

He already knew that I was in the hospital and in fact, he had been the one to track me down there and calm my mother’s worst fears. So I asked him if he knew why I had tried to kill myself. He didn’t and so I told him. I told him that his littlest brother was Gay; that I had been kicked out of BYU because of my actions; and that I had been trying to figure out what to do that it literally nearly killed me.

He sympathized with my pain and has, over time, come to realize that 1, I am still his brother; 2, I have my political and religious thoughts that are different from him; and 3, that there is a possibility that I might find a spouse that he disapproves of. The biggest thing that he has realized is that he is okay with all of that. Sure we disagree on what marriage is and should be, but we do it civilly. He is even to the point now that he cracks gay jokes and I am perfectly fine with that.

Skanday Keynes

Posted by BB | Labels: | Posted On 09 January, 2010 at Saturday, January 09, 2010

Skandar Keynes sporting a hot winter coat and looking mighty fine!Skandar Keynes at the premiere of the Chronicles of Narnia Prince Caspian, adorable

Skandar Keynes looking hot as can be. I know this gay mormon boy would love to melt into those eyesSkandar Keynes as King Edmund in Prince Caspian, He has the wit to staisfy this gay mormon boy, that is for sure!When I first saw Skandar Keynes I immediately thought of my friend who was in choir with me. They look so similar. While I was still in high school and oblivious to my sexuality I found myself drawn toward Skandar's doppelganger. I sought to be his friend and became so only through loose association. Sadly both Skandar and his doppelganger are (mostly) both straight, but hey a Boyd can hope and dream. Also, Skandar is from England (I am sensing a theme lol!) and so his accent is wonderful. He played the role of Edmund in The Lion Witch and the Wardrobe which is my favorite Pevensie child. That is the dynamic character of the series. Edmund, upon realizing his sins, sought and received forgiveness from Aslan and his sins were hardly ever mentioned again. He became King Edmund the Just because of his adherence to justice. In Prince Caspian Edmund was faced with his sins again and destroyed them again. Edmund was my hero and so Skandar and his doppelganger are this week's Saturday delight.

My Darkest Hour Part 5 - The Dawn Breaks

Posted by BB | Labels: , , | Posted On 08 January, 2010 at Friday, January 08, 2010

I, Beloved Boyd, am a Gay Mormon Boy and everything I say here is the truth to the best of my knowledge:

I sat down to talk to this shrink with the goal in mind of simply getting out of the hospital and on with my life. He was an obstacle in my way who wouldn’t see where I was coming from. He had me sit down and tell him my story and how I ended up in the psych ward. So I told him that it wasn’t planned, that it was happenstance and that during the phone call I wanted to live and not die.

Yoda, Do or Do Not, There is No Try. Even for a gay mormon boy there is need to try
I told him the same thing I had been telling everyone else in the psych ward “After this experience I don’t plan on ever trying to commit suicide ever again.” This line wasn’t entirely truthful because in my mind I was telling myself; “Do or do not, there is no try.” I was planning on the possibility of me taking my life and if it happened, I would use a note strapped to my chest.

I told the Dr. everything on my mind. How I felt like I had two sides of myself inside me fighting to destroy the other. He tried to assure me that the problems of the world were on the other side of the psych ward door and that I was safe on the inside. At that point I was ready to give up on this man when he surprised me by realizing his error and fixing it.

He stopped and said “Wait… its all in your head though isn’t it?” Finally a breakthrough. Somebody realized what I was feeling. I told him that yes it was all in my head, that religion and sexuality were fighting in my head and being in amongst the crazies wasn’t helping. He realized this and told me I would be out in 36 hours.

The Liahona that guided Nephi and that has guided me through my gay mormon boy journey.
That was a relief, but it didn’t really help my bigger problems. The Dr. then told me “Perhaps your religion and your God are two different things.” I shrugged off his comment as being completely unfamiliar with Mormonism and moved on. The next day, my roommate and Hayden visited. While we were talking, my roommate, an RM who was a pretty spiritual guy, told me “You know Boyd, maybe there is a difference between the Church and God.” This time I heard it I was floored.

After that he left and Hayden and I talked and embraced before visiting hours were over. The Dr. recommended that I call my siblings and come out to them and so I did, but that is another series.

It is said, that it is always darkest just before the dawn. Well, twice in a short period I had the thought of a separation between Church and Gospel iterated to me. It gave me pause and gave me much needed time to think.

If you are thinking of Suicide, Call the Trevor Project

I firmly believe that those conversations were the first rays of the dawn that rose after my darkest hour. They may have been the first heralds of Apollo, but the journey is far from over. Stay tuned next week for more in the journey of a gay mormon boy.