Posted by BB | | Posted On 24 July, 2010 at Saturday, July 24, 2010

I, Beloved Boyd, am a Gay Mormon Boy and everything I say here is the truth to the best of my knowledge:

So sorry that I have to disappoint you but I promise I will be back with the conclusion soon. Something has come up in my life that I have to attend to before I come out to you, my readers. I will be back soon.

A Sentimental Man - Part 5

Posted by BB | | Posted On 23 July, 2010 at Friday, July 23, 2010

I, Beloved Boyd, am a Gay Mormon Boy and everything I say here is the truth to the best of my knowledge:

Mohinder got my Christmas letter and sent me another response via air mail. I would have gotten it around New Years but because I didn't have my mail being forwarded I got it when I flew back into town for my birthday. Here is what his new letter to me said.
Dear Beloved Boyd,

You know, I love you. I got your Christmas letter and I just saw you in my mind with that big grin. I love that about you. You are just the coolest lovable friend I ever had.
It also turns out that you are hard working! Wow, it seems that you went through alot [sic] of crap to get a job. I'm glad that through the opposition, you conquered all.
This whole "coming out of the closet" has really defined your life in the last year. I think that things have been difficult for you because you haven't had the most supporting friends. I hate to say it but I'm one of them. You know, I don't know the appropriate responses for any situation, let alone the complicated ones. But I think that Jesus would say a sell springing forth with love might come close to a good response. So Boyd, when I come back, there's a well waiting for you.

your good friend (and well)

Elder Mohinider
I read these words on my Birthday 1 year after I came out online. Again I broke down and had to go downstairs to the basement to cry. I love Mohinder. He is one of my greatest friends and I was saddened by his turn around.

Part of the reason I have held off writing for the past while (besides being absurdly busy) is the fact that 1, most of my story had been told. and 2. Mohinder gets back from his mission in just a couple of days. I wanted this second to last series to be about him, my final of my best friends and how he had transformed.

This is my second to last series because I am going to save next weeks for wrapping up what has happened in my life and pulling down the mask behind my identity. Some of you know me already because you are smart or because I shared this with you either online or in person. but for the rest of you stay tuned for the week long conclusion of Beloved Boyd. He has served his purpose and it is time to be completely truthful.

A Sentimental Man - Part 4

Posted by BB | | Posted On 22 July, 2010 at Thursday, July 22, 2010

I, Beloved Boyd, am a Gay Mormon Boy and everything I say here is the truth to the best of my knowledge:

After that letter Mohinder and I had little contact. I wrote him a couple of times and still got his letters but it wasn't until this last Christmas that I sent him a major update. I sent him a Christmas letter that detailed, month-by month what my life had entailed. Half of it was inspired by this blog and details some stuff I will be covering in the future... maybe. But here it is:

Dear Mohinder,

It has been an eventful year for me. Probably one I will never forget. I have had my fair share of ups and downs, but through it all I have always had people in my life to help me along. This year a lot has happened so lets start at the beginning.

Christmas 2008: I had recently come out as gay to my family and was beginning to tell a few close friends. I was returning from Seattle where I had been on an internship. I was about to start a full semester at the University of Utah. I was 19 years old and I was scared. I didn’t know what lay in store for me; what I should do with my life; whether I should work towards a celibate life or look for a partner, a husband.
The Christmas season was not good for me at all because I feared being alone for the rest of my life. I watched the movie “Love Actually” and the closing song is “All I Want for Christmas is You.” As I watched the movie and listened to the song and saw how everyone found someone special in the end I got frustrated and emotional and angry and felt the agonizing emptiness of being alone creeping into my life. It was a charged season, but my Mother held me and showed me she loved me. 

January 2009: In January I researched as much as I could. I visited the temple to do baptisms for the dead and gain a better understanding of where my Heavenly Father wanted me to go. I studied bible chapters in Hebrew and Greek looking for the truth hidden by translation and interpretation and the years that separated the Lord’s words and I
This month was also when I met Joseph. He was the first guy I really dated and the first time that I felt like I wouldn’t be alone in the world. Joseph also introduced me to Scott and Sarah, a wonderful couple who have opened up their doors, and more importantly, their hearts to other members of the church who are gay. Their warmth and willingness to listen helped sustain me throughout this year.

February: In February I was still struggling with figuring out what I should listen to; The spirit that told me I should prepare to find a husband, or the words of inspired men that told me I was less than, that I was in a lifelong trial. Because of this struggle I decided the break things off with Joseph so he wouldn’t have to see and go through my depression.
This month I also met Alan [Rob]. A lawyer from San Diego who helped me refine my writing for my Internship paper. His editing helped me organize my paper and my way of writing in general and that has helped me immensely.
This month was also when Mom surprised me by telling me that she wanted to meet Joseph. That she was willing to sit down and have dinner with the guy I was dating was so encouraging. It was a tactile demonstration of her love for me that I will never forget.

March: March is when I took a big step and told the majority of my friends that I was gay. I came out through Facebook and the comments of support and love were precisely what I needed. It was a big step, but I decided that for the longest time I felt like I was alone and so if I could help someone else realize that there were others like them that I just might save a life. So I opened myself up to questions and began to share my story with others and it has been worth it.

April: This month I spent locked away studying for finals and writing 97 pages for my classes. This was when I discovered that I could write about many topics from different perspectives and to not fear voicing my thoughts and opinions on paper. Alan’s help on my previous paper laid the groundwork for a successful semester.

May: I started off this month with graduation. I had finished my schooling, received my Bachelor’s degree and was ready to find a job. Unfortunately so were tens of thousands of people across the country. I built my resume and applied to every job I could find online. I was beginning to get tired of searching when I decided to work for a local political campaign

June: I spent June working for the campaign. I continued to apply for jobs and was always refining and redoing my resume and cover letter.
During this month, many of my high school friends and acquaintances found me and came out to me. They told me their stories and I tried to help them as best as I could. It is a tough struggle and I was glad that I could connect with many people and aid where I could.
Towards the end of the month I discovered that a conference that I had wanted to go to was being offered at a cheap price to students. I did the math and figured out that it was worth the flight if I could get the lower costs covered. So I talked to the campaign and convinced them to pay for my admission. This conference held the very people that I had spent the past 2 years studying and it was a great experience.

July: After the conference in NYC, I spent a week on the hunt for a job. I was blessed to have several people open their homes to me. I can honestly say that the city tried to get me down, but I got up again. This job hunt literally took my sweat, tears and blood.

August: I finally started to get phone interviews and one particular day I had 2 phone interviews. One of them was for a temporary position with the potential of staying on longer. I aced the phone interview and 5 days later was on a flight out to interview with the company. The 2 interviews I had went very well and the added support I had from my boss at my Seattle internship helped put me over the edge and secure me the job I had been so desperately searching for.

September: I had landed the job and was set to move in 2 weeks time. It took a while to say goodbye to everyone and it was hard. I had my family to say farewell to, recent Returned Missionaries, and all of the great people I had met through school, church, and since coming out that I had to leave behind in Salt Lake. Some friends that were hardest to leave were the ones I had just met who I wanted to get to know better. But hardest of all to leave was my mother because I am such a momma’s boy.
Mom, you still can reduce me to tears of joy when I recall how you hugged me a few days before I left and told me that you were proud of me. Proud of me, not just for landing a job but for how far I had come in the past year. I love you mom and want you to know that.
This was also the month that I started the job. I met my co-workers who think that it is amazing that I am 20 and so ahead of the curve. I discovered that my job is a lot more technology based than I thought, but it has been a great discovery.

October: I moved into my room in the city. After 2 exhaustive weeks of searching I settled for a good place that was close to work. It turns out that I made a bad choice as I discovered towards the end of the month. As it turns out, the house I am living at is where my landlord’s friends come to get stoned before they head out to the bars. So I discovered marijuana smoke coming from the basement and began my search for a new apartment with much better roommates.
I also discovered the TV show Glee and met some friends from the ward who get together to watch it. This was the start of my real integration into the ward.

November: I started off November discovering that my roommates also don't grasp the concept of personal space, particularly when they are drunk. I came home from a party late one night to discover that they had let their friend pass out in my room where his beer bottles also were. I doubled my efforts to search for a new apartment.
I found a great apartment with good roommates, all and all it was perfect. I was about ready to take it when someone mentioned that it was about 100 yards outside of stake boundaries. This meant that I had to keep searching. This happened just 2 days after my 1-year anniversary of my brush with death. They say that anniversaries of certain events can trigger depression and suicide and I had sought to avoid getting hit with this. It was depressing and frustrating, but then I realized how happy I was this year compared to last and I snapped out of it.

December: This month at work, one of my clients told my boss how much she appreciated my hard work. It lifted my spirits and helped me to realize that I have been doing a good job at work these past few months. It made me realize that I like doing what I am doing and might continue with the technology side in the future.
I was able to find a new apartment and should move in mid January. Tomorrow I fly back to Salt Lake, Christmas really begins and I will be with my family. That is pretty much my year.
As I look back and see how far my life has come I realize how far I have come this year. I started out angry, depressed and lost. Over the course of the year I have become happy, stable, peaceful and found. It is a wonderful feeling and I couldn’t have done it without you in my life so, thank you.


PS. I know I haven’t written you, but you needed an update, specifically on the past few months. You have helped shape me over the course of my life and so I wish you a Joyous and Happy Christmas.

A Sentimental Man - Part 3

Posted by BB | | Posted On 21 July, 2010 at Wednesday, July 21, 2010

I, Beloved Boyd, am a Gay Mormon Boy and everything I say here is the truth to the best of my knowledge:

I still have the 10-page letter he mailed to me from India and I am going to share with you a few of the things Mohinder wrote to me.

"You are in Apostasy. I'm sorry, but that is the truth. It's not because you are 'evil', but because Satan desires you. He is tempting you and leading you with "carnal desires". You desire your own will, therefore you recieve an "answer" that coincides with that will. ... Satan has put in your mind that you are gay, when the truth is that you are an addict to compulsion. Your nature has changed as you have given over to Satan, just as your nature is changed as you are given over to Christ" (emphasis in original)

He also challenged me to "Go and look at yourself in the mirro, look yourself in the eye, and see if these thoughts come into your mind: I am proud of the man I am today. I am a beautiful clean Son of God. Jesus Christ has made me into the person I am today. This is the test to know what line you are standing: [with] God or [with] Satan. Determine how you got there as well: by following the testimony of the apostles of your own."

I look at myself in the mirror and while I see faults emanating from my past sex life and looking at pornography but when I look at my sexuality I see a beautiful child of God that is loved and cared for by my Elder Brother Christ, who intimately knows what I have been going through.

Mohinder shared one last thing with me that I will share with you.

"I will never forget the man I know you are: a man of courage, love and a seeker of truth I have faith in you and those around supporting you."

His letter cut me like a knife. I felt wounded and in I remember falling to the ground in tears many times as I read the words he wrote to me. His words were one of the few that had the power to change my life and they did. His words helped shape me and my heart into a callous piece of stone that has learned to deflect what people say about me. I became uncaring of people's opinions about me except a few. Mohinder of course was one of those.

A Sentimental Man - Part 2

Posted by BB | | Posted On 20 July, 2010 at Tuesday, July 20, 2010

I, Beloved Boyd, am a Gay Mormon Boy and everything I say here is the truth to the best of my knowledge:

When the silence was finally broken it was via air mail three weeks later. I got a fat envelope delivered one morning and when I read it I wept. I wept in an agony that I didn't feel with Hayden or Joseph. This was a gut wrenching agony that ripped me to the soul. My heart cried out like a book taken from the forbidden section of the Library at Hogwarts.

In the letter, Mohinder called me Apostate. I was being led by Satan. He told me that Homosexuality was an abomination. He quoted Leviticus, Romans, Timothy and Corinthians and told me that my heart was being controlled by Satan, that I had given myself to Satan just like I needed to give myself to over to Christ to be cured because I wasn't actually gay. It was just a myth perpetrated by the devil.

Mohinder told me how he nearly went apostate shortly after he was baptized. His Father gave him some Anti-literature and it threw him for a loop. I was apparently going through the same thing. I was going apostate and needed help. Towards the end of this 10 page letter he told me that he had spent about 10 hours researching this material on my behalf and wouldn't be able to do that again while on his mission.

Mohinder, You spent 10 hours to find this research. I had spent about 5 hours a day studying this and he had the gall to tell me that his 10 hours meant more. It hurt. i felt stabbed in the heart by one of my best friends. I decided that I needed to take a break from talking with Mohinder and so I did.

A Sentimental Man - Part 1

Posted by BB | | Posted On 19 July, 2010 at Monday, July 19, 2010

I, Beloved Boyd, am a Gay Mormon Boy and everything I say here is the truth to the best of my knowledge:

I sent Mohinder the email and waited. I knew when his Internet time was and sent the email a few hours before he woke up P-day morning. I didn't hear from him that week and so I waited for a week. Then another. And then I got a response.

"Boyd You dropped a bomb on me....... I don't know what I can tell you that you haven't heard before. In fact its not even my place to say anything. I'll ask my mission president....."

Needless to say this was more than I was expecting, but not more than I had hoped. Mohinder was the only person I had come out to who recognized that I didn't need to hear about this article from Elder Oaks. He recognized that I would have done my research and that was incredible insight. He wanted to continue the conversation with me and that must have taken a lot of courage.

Then all I heard from Mohinder was silence. A silence that lasted longer than the silence when I came out to my mother.

Something Bad - Part 5

Posted by BB | | Posted On 16 July, 2010 at Friday, July 16, 2010

I, Beloved Boyd, am a Gay Mormon Boy and everything I say here is the truth to the best of my knowledge:

After talking to Mohinder about my realizations I knew I had to talk about my transformation.
In early October, after coming out to my dad, I was trying to discover if God existed and I was hit with this immense and intense feeling of burning within my soul, In that instant I knew that God existed, that He loved me, that the Savior loved me and suffered for my sins, my pains, my afflictions, my sorrows, and my joys in the Garden. I felt so happy and warm inside for the next few hours, I wanted so bad to shout for joy, to share that feeling with others, it was amazing and miraculous.

Then, having this immense belief in God and Christ I became even more conflicted with my life, and my future and trying to reconcile these two core parts of myself that I one would have to be destroyed in order for me to continue in life. Trying to make a decision was gut wrenching. Each side I looked at seemed so right and true to me. How could I be expected to make a decision like this? I ended up talking myself into a know and I felt that either way I chose would devastate my life, that each way I choose would kill a part of who I was. I was feeling so torn as you saw in my emails to you and I got myself to the point where I decided that I could not choose between to parts of me, I would let the Lord do that once I left this earth and because the decision couldn’t just be left alone, I resolved to get myself off this earth.
I then told him more of my attempted suicide and from there moved onto catching him up with the next series of events. I told him about my frustration leading me to seek a meeting with Elder Christiansen,
Before the meeting I went to the temple and while I was there I had the exact same intensity and immensity of warmth and burning of the spirit that I had had before except this feeling told me that I needed to find a husband and adopt children. So that others could come to know the truth of the gospel rather than languish in unbelief.

I was prepared to go into my meeting with Elder Christensen and bible bash scriptures to try to find a resolution to homosexuality in the church. You know me, I was ready to go in and push my way through and find a solution that worked. Instead, I went into the meeting and asked him what should I do when the Spirit told me one thing that the Church told me to do the opposite

He told me that the Lord would never give me a spirit that went against the words of the Brethren. That the members of the church will not be given promptings to correct the Brethren. That any feelings that I had that were contrary to the Church originate from Satan. He also told me that Satan does have the power to trick us into feeling the same spirit that the Lord sends.
I then told Mohinder about my existential crisis and the steps that pulled me closer to God rather than into Atheism. I then offered him my worldview on Christ
The Lord will give counsel the differs from the teachings of the Church because we each have a different mission to fulfill and until the church is perfected in Christ during His millennial reign, He will lead us to do what is right for ourselves and others. We are but one strand in the great tapestry, we do not know how we fit in but the LORD does for HE can see the big picture.

So this is where I am at so far in my life, this is what is going on. This is my big secret. My goal is to truly learn His will for me and to follow it. I seek to humble myself, to open my mind and soften my heart so that I can learn the mysteries of God as it states in Alma 12:10. I will do it. I will dedicate my life to finding and following the Lord, to following God and whatever he has for me in my life.
And with that it was done, I sent Mohinder the letter via air mail and by email and I waited for the response.

Something Bad - Part 4

Posted by BB | | Posted On 15 July, 2010 at Thursday, July 15, 2010

I, Beloved Boyd, am a Gay Mormon Boy and everything I say here is the truth to the best of my knowledge:

When I finally regained my composure enough to pick up the letter again I came up with these passages that I want to share with you.
When I was at BYU I knew that I wanted to be someone else, someone other than the awkward, antisocial and introversive Boyd. I thought that me being all these things was just who I was and I could fix them by trying hard to don a mask. During that first year at BYU I fell into some pretty illicit stuff that I tried to deny and justify away.
Looking back I find it interesting and striking that I was so critical of my personality whereas now, since I have come out, I have begun to grow into the mask that I wore to hide myself from the world.
I then proceeded to drop yet another shoe. Just for context, Mohinder’s response to me was pure elation because he thought I had put in my papers and would be serving at the same time as he.
When I came down and told you that I had some news for you, your immediate response about me going on a mission still brings tears to my eyes because I knew that I would most likely not be able to go until you probably got back if at all. I want you to know that looking back at things now I did have a crush on you, I admired you and your faith and wanted to be near that, to have it, and to be with you, but this crush had no impact on my decision to help you on your mission and I no longer have such a crush on you, our bond is that of friendship and brotherhood. I truly desire goodness in your life and if I could help in some small way then perhaps I would be blessed and helped.
Because I am being completely honest here Mohinder is precisely the type of guy I would pursue so I guess I still do have a crush on Mohinder if only as a lingering impression in a mold that no other guys have yet to live up to.
Mohinder, You are like a brother to me and when you went to the MTC and I saw you enter into the field, I admit I was jealous, but also so proud of you. Your farewell address touched me and I knew that you were a spiritual giant, that you had a far better relationship with Christ and the spirit than I did. I sincerely wished you the best.

The day after you left for Southeast Asia, I left for Seattle and while on the plane I took a look at my life and realized that in the past year I had been able to control my behavior, but that I had not yet really felt the warmth of the spirit. I started to ask myself why and I realized the answer. I am gay. In those first few days in Seattle I finally realized why I had been so different from everybody else, it finally made sense to me.

Something Bad - Part 3

Posted by BB | | Posted On 14 July, 2010 at Wednesday, July 14, 2010

I, Beloved Boyd, am a Gay Mormon Boy and everything I say here is the truth to the best of my knowledge:

The following posts will contain portions of my letter to Mohinder

I wanted to be clear that we were making the right decision and so I created this text to comprise the first page . It would give him a chance to back out should he wish:
I have taken a lot of thought in writing you this letter and after discussing this with Ethel, we have both agreed that it is better that you are aware of what is going on with me rather than being left in the dark. We are basing this decision based on Ethel’s experience with not knowing what was going on and fearing all sorts of things versus having a clearer understanding of what is going on. Disclosing this information is twofold in purpose; first it informs you, thus keeping out of the dark about what has been going on and second, it allows you to understand so you can have a clearer aim for you prayers concerning me. If you think that this is an error of judgment and that it might distract you from the work more by knowing what I am about to tell you rather than not knowing then please do not read, for your work is far more important than me. Ethel wanted me to tell you this concerning everything “I knew that even if it is difficult for you to accept, that you would not allow it to interfere with the work. Thus, the possible benefits seemed to outweigh the possible negatives.”
I then gave Mohinder som background information into the “Real Boyd” but as I look back on this I can’t help but think of how much I have changed from the person I thought I was at BYU. Take a look:
In your letter to me Mohinder, you mentioned that you “have always admired me and wanted to be like me in many ways: A natural friend, talented, outgoing in all ways, and a desire to love and serve.” Mohinder, I truly appreciate the fact that you admired me but I feel as if I should tell you the truth. What you saw my freshman year at BYU was mostly a façade, a mask I wore in an attempt to hide and change who I really am.
And then the other shoe drops:
Mohinder, I am gay.
It was such a simple statement of fact, but it was a step that I needed to take. I remember that as I typed those words my body shook with a tremor more than what I felt when I first came out to Hayden. I wept onto my keyboard and let the words sit there, staring me in the face. I couldn’t escape it. Mohinder, I am gay stared at me for days before I could bring myself to type out the rest of the letter.

Something Bad - Part 2

Posted by BB | | Posted On 13 July, 2010 at Tuesday, July 13, 2010

I, Beloved Boyd, am a Gay Mormon Boy and everything I say here is the truth to the best of my knowledge:

I handed that letter to Mohinder as we were leaving the MTC “break-up” room. He hadn’t read it, but in lieu of his parents, he gave me the biggest hug I could have ever desired. Mohinder’s gentleness and kindness pored out of him. A few weeks later I got a wonderful response that told me that he loved me and that Christ’s atonement was prefect and infinite. That was something I needed to hear many times over as I began my journey of coming out.

This was the beginning of a series of lettersemails between the two of us through his one family member who wanted to write to him and thus had access to his emails. As I began to come out in Seattle my letters to him were laced with the frustration and anger that I had towards this life and my own existence. It was his letter that gave me hope on many dark nights.

After I got back from Seattle I wrote him a birthday email where I told him that I would be meeting with Elder Christensen soon to talk about some of my frustrations. A few days later Mohinder replied to me just as I was struggling to understand the dilemma that Elder Christiansen’s words had put me in.

He responded with:
Keep working hard Boyd. Don’t give up because it is hard. Repentance is supposed to be hard, but always possible. We came here to this life to repent, to change our hearts into the sons of God we are meant to become
My response to him let the floodgates flow and I told him of the extreme doubt and disbelief that Elder Christensen’s words had inspired in me. I wrote back to him:
If I follow his advice then I become unanchored and I can't know or believe anything that I have been taught, but if I don't follow his advice it leads me away from the Church. So I wish it were as easy as repentance.
I didn’t hear from him the following week and so I send him another email to let him know how I was faring in life. I informed him that I had become resolutely anchored to Christ regardless of the words of men. I told him that I was feeling the spirit and a feeling of peace as I listened and followed the Spirit, even when it clashes with the Church’s stance.

It was from here that I realized I needed to tell him everything. Now before I took a giant leap and told him everything I needed to talk to Ethel, his girlfriend.

Ethel and I had had a good relationship while I was at BYU and after I left whenever we would meet we would have a phenomenal time together. To be completely honest, if I were ever to marry a girl, she would have to be very similar to Ethel.

So once I realized that I needed to talk to Mohinder I talked with Ethel. Before I came out, she knew something was going on with me. For her, the not-knowing was the hardest part.

Mohinder also knew that something was up but he was stuck in the phase of “not-knowing” what really was going on. So after many talks with Ethel we decided that, only because he knew enough to worry but not enough to sedate that worry, we would tell him.

I decided that Mohinder would have a good support system with his companions, ZL’s and Mission President and that regardless of wether he was on his mission or utah, the situation wasn’t going anywhere while that feeling of not-knowing could only grow.

And so I decided to come out to Mohinder, My only true friend when I was at BYU and the first solid friend I had made since the 10th grade. It took me a while to say preisely what I wanted to say and to word it just right, but I did it.

Something Bad - Part 1

Posted by BB | | Posted On 12 July, 2010 at Monday, July 12, 2010

I, Beloved Boyd, am a Gay Mormon Boy and everything I say here is the truth to the best of my knowledge:

I’m Back. This weeks series is going to start a bit earlier in my timeline but will end up with us back to the week after Joseph and I broke up. Today’s post takes place after I left BYU but before I left for Seattle. It was July nearly 2 years ago and I had just finished assisting in setting Mohinder (one of my best friends) apart as a missionary.

Mohinder would be entering the MTC the next day and I knew that I needed to let him inside my deeper circle of trust. You see that circle had been recently breached by my student ward Bishop. Up until this point I told anyone who asked why I left BYU that it was for medical reasons, my doctors and the specialists were up near the University of Utah and so a transfer was best for my grades.

About a week before Mohinder was set apart he and my bishop were in a 4 hr car ride for a mutual friend’s temple sealing. During this 4 hours my name came up and while I wasn’t there I have asked both Mohinder and my Bishop and the conversation from my Bishop seemed to go something like this.
“Well you know that some people like Boyd just aren’t cut out for the honor code.”
Regardless of what was said the impression left in Mohnder’s mind was that I left BYU not for my health, but for something much more serious.

So I knew that as Mohinder was about to enter the MTC he knew something was up with me and he deserved an explanation. So I decided to open up and tell him more of the truth, namely why I wasn’t entering the MTC with him. Here is a portion of that letter.
As you gave your talk about influences, I could not help but think of myself as one of those, however I think it only fair that you understand a little more about me than you realize. I did not leave BYU voluntarily rather; I lost my ecclesiastical endorsement because there were quite a few things going wrong in my life that I wanted to change and so I confessed to Bishop Bungard. The fallout from this was that I had to leave BYU after summer 2007 with a chance at coming back at a later date should I so choose. The other fallout from this is that I found out that because of my failings, in order to serve a mission, I will have to request permission from the First Presidency who will make the right decision for me.
Mohinder’s farewell address was about the influences in his life of which he claimed me as one. I told him that his goodness had influenced me and that he had the gift of openhearted love and could use that to strengthen the gospel. With the thought of influence on my mind I also left him with this C.S. Lewis quote:
It is a serious thing, to live in a society of possible gods and goddesses…All day long we are, in some degree, helping each other to one or other of these destinations. It is in the light of these overwhelming possibilities, it is with the awe and the circumspection proper to them, that we should conduct all our dealings with one another, all friendships, all loves, all play, all politics. There are no 'ordinary' people. You have never talked to a mere mortal. Nations, cultures, arts, civilizations -- these are mortal, and their life is to ours as the life of a gnat. But it is immortals whom we joke with, work with, marry, snub and exploit -- immortal horrors or everlasting splendors.


Posted by BB | | Posted On 05 April, 2010 at Monday, April 05, 2010

My life has become a bit crazy this month and I realize I need to cut back on some things, this blog is one of them. Don't worry, I'll be back soon enough. Probably towards the end of April

For Good - Part 5

Posted by BB | Labels: , , , , | Posted On 02 April, 2010 at Friday, April 02, 2010

I, Beloved Boyd, am a Gay Mormon Boy and everything I say here is the truth to the best of my knowledge:

Here is where keeping a journal would have come in handy. I have GChat’s to help piece everything together but when you get emotional details fade. This is my best attempt to piece everything together.

A few days before Valentine’s Day I started to get over-analytical about my life. It got to the point that Scott counseled me with the following advice:
”Boyd, it's normal to have doubts. …Every situation and every circumstance can be hyperanalyzed and examined and with enough effort it's possible to find potential problems with even the most inspired and holy decisions. You could literally spend your entire life agonizing over whether or not you really received a prompting from God to find a husband and raise a family. You could debate the facts with yourself for years, and the longer you belabor the issue the more time you'll have to come up with arguments both for and against. But logic and reasoning are not the best tools by which to judge a spiritual experience, and while it's good to use the knowledge and intellect that God blessed you with there comes a point when you need to let go of what you know and rely instead on what you feel.
At some point throughout this I went over to my Dad’s. I think it was with Joseph but I can’t remember. My dad’s address has been my permanent address and so any mail I got went there. While there I got a letter from Mohinder, my friend from BYU. He was on his mission and had mailed me a letter from the far east. In the letter he told me that
”I’m not sure what is going on with you and what I can do to help. I wish I understood more, but I simply don't. I’m sorry.”
My friend could tell by the tone of my letters that I was doing about as well as an 18 dollar bill in a vending machine. He wanted to understand and felt my pain. It touched me deeply and I was glad for the letter. Accompanying the letter were two photos. The first showed Mohinder in front of a statue of Shiva the destroyer. Just like this one.

The second one showed a picture that he had taken on a trip to the zoo on P-day. It was of two baboons sniffing and playing with each other’s butts. It looked like this one. And had a note written on the back. Something along the lines of “I knew you would enjoy this.”

The letter and photos touched my heart and made me look deeper into perspective. I read those words and saw the photos just outside an ice cream shop where I met with Joseph, as my boyfriend, for one last time. I knew I needed to end things for both our sakes and so I did.

I wish I could say that Joseph and I are good friends now, but as it turns out I am probably the last person he would want to see. However, as the title of this series indicates, I was touched and changed by Joseph. He opened my heart, helped my Mother understand me a bit more, and helped me to see that perhaps a relationship wasn’t for me. I do’t know if I’ve been changed for the better, but because I knew Joseph, I have been changed for good.

Dear Readers:

Posted by BB | | Posted On 01 April, 2010 at Thursday, April 01, 2010

Many of you who read this blog know my true identity. Some of you have figured it out and asked. Others I have told. But due to recent events I have reveal to all of you the honest truth.

As you know, I have been writing under a pseudonym but what you probably don’t realize is that I operate concurrent blogs. I am the author of both and

Yes the blogger behind both “The Journey of a Gay Mormon Boy” and “The Wandering Delusions of a Gay Mormon Boy” is the same person. What's more is that both of these blogs have been a social experiment. Last June, in an attempt to better my writing and understand the gay community I took up an alter ego, as I did research for my new project. I became a “Gay Mormon Boy” and created a work of pure fiction, testing new characters and ideas with an online audience.

I read many stories of angst and anguish that I hadn’t thought about before this experiment. They helped me craft my story that has hooked many readers. After a few months of writing one blog I knew that I had to have a companion story. Something raw and gritty. In order for people to believe Beloved Boyd I included a disclaimer of honesty so people would disassociate the two blogs.

I decided to include the second blog for several reasons, but mostly because I work well with two heroes in one long tale as is the case with my most famous work and as these the two blogs intersect and become one. I am certain that you are familiar with my other works as I see them discussed across the Moho blogosphere, and hope that as you read this new blog (starting tomorrow at you'll enjoy the adventures of GMB and Boyd, my new Jacob and Edward.


Stephenie Meyer
UPDATE: Yes, this is and was an April Fools Day Joke, but enjoy the brilliant humor that it instills.

For Good - Part 3

Posted by BB | Labels: , , | Posted On 31 March, 2010 at Wednesday, March 31, 2010

I, Beloved Boyd, am a Gay Mormon Boy and everything I say here is the truth to the best of my knowledge:

So after about 3 weeks into our relationship Joseph and I had talked about all sorts of things. We had planned a trip down to Vegas; we had spent the night in the same house (but did not “sleep” together); we went to the candle-light vigil for Governor Huntsman; we had even been through ups and downs and everything in-between. What we hadn’t faced was the best holiday in the world… for straight people.

Yep, Valentine ’s Day was coming up and for a new gay couple the romantic holiday meant for men to satisfy their woman was a daunting and scary idea. But at heart I am a romantic. A few days before I made sure my big plans were all in place.

We would start off with dinner at The Cheesecake Factory. I had a friend there and so I was able to score a Valentine’s Day reservation. We showed up, waited maybe 5 minutes and then had a nice pleasant romantic meal. We had a quite booth in a corner that gave us some privacy. We talked about all sorts of things including our upcoming trip to see RENT! (one of Joseph’s favorite musicals) All in all it was a great dinner.

Next on the evening’s agenda was a romantic ”chick flick”. Joseph had expressed an interest in the previews for “Confession’s of a Shopaholic” and so we drove to the theatre and sat down near the front of the theatre. We had a few seats to ourselves and were able to use them to cuddle through the entire movie. It was sweet and romantic, not in the sweeping gesture fashion, but more romantic like the old couple who has been together for years.

After the movie we talked and things were wonderful… or so I thought. In reality, everything had changed. Valentines was one of our last night’s together and, for me, it was an attempt to piece things together. You see a few days before I became completely existentialist. I began to doubt everything. I doubted that God existed; that I cared for Joseph; that I had a testimony; that I had had a spiritual revelation.

A couple of days before Valentine’s Day I talked to Ethel and told her that we were probably going to break up. I was getting manic-depressive & quite bi-polar and it was visibly hurting Joseph. I had some sense slapped into me by Scott, but overall it only gave me enough life to carry on the relationship for a bit longer before I knew I needed to end it for Joseph’s sake. Just like Edward had to leave Bella for her own good, I felt the need to end things with Joseph. And yet I wanted to keep the feelings of love intact too.

I was confused and hadn’t made up my mind, but that was when I got a letter that put my life into perspective.

For Good - Part 2

Posted by BB | Labels: , , , , , | Posted On 30 March, 2010 at Tuesday, March 30, 2010

I, Beloved Boyd, am a Gay Mormon Boy and everything I say here is the truth to the best of my knowledge:
After I finished my interview I sat down and watched Joseph step into the hot seat. I had been so nervous myself that I hadn’t thought to see if he needed comforting. He seemed nervous before the interview started, but as he eased into the questions he loosened up a bit.

He spoke about the difficult times on his mission, his trials through life, and his previous fights with depression. It was tough to sit through it and feel the emotion and pain poring out of him. But when we finished he seemed to be more comfortable with things.

As we finished, Emily Pearson commented how we were the cutest innocent gay couple she had ever met. She even promised to help us out if we ever needed it. Reed thanked us as well and told us that he was impressed with our courage to stand up and voice our stories.

After talking with Reed and Emily, we left the pride center and got into Joseph’s car to go to my first gay party. (not quite HA!) For those of you not familiar with Scott and Sarah’s MoHo Parties, they are a bit different. From the outside they look just like any other typical party with friends. There is plenty of finger food, conversation, karaoke, and most importantly friends. Scott and Sarah’s parties are different because almost everyone there is gay or has a connection to someone who is.

These parties are a great way to make good friends who care about you. It was here that I first met many great friends that have influenced my life. These parties aren’t wild orgies as some of my friends have feared they might be; they do not have resident Packer waiting in the back room waiting to issue excommunication to those in attendance; and they are not a meat market for guys to pick people up. (Although a few dates have happened because of a chance meeting at Scott and Sarah’s)

This was my first experience there and on opening up the door, Scott’s kids called out Joseph and my name and I felt at home again. I met so many new people at this party. I met the couple who has been together for 14+ years and their twins. I met many friends like Lance, Lance and Jon. But most of all I was able to open up in a social setting for one of the first times.

I was gay and nobody cared. Joseph and I were together and nobody cared. We sang show tunes and only a few people cared! It was a grand experience and I wouldn’t trade it for the world! If you ever have the chance to go to one do go. The friendships and warmth offered have changed my life and helped me get to where I am today.

For Good

Posted by BB | Labels: , , , , | Posted On 28 March, 2010 at Sunday, March 28, 2010

I, Beloved Boyd, am a Gay Mormon Boy and everything I say here is the truth to the best of my knowledge:

After about 2 weeks into our relationship Joseph and I had a rare opportunity. Through Scott and Sarah we learned that a film producer named Reed Cowan would be making a documentary called 8: The Mormon Proposition. You may have heard about the movie or even seen it at its debut in Sundance, for those of you who haven’t, 8: The Mormon Proposition is a film that documents the efforts (alleged and open) of the LDS Church to pass Proposition 8 in California, a ballot initiative to ban same-sex marriage in California.

Reed’s goal with the film, as expressed to me at the time, was to document the trauma of the Church’s policy on LGBT Mormons. I learned that he was looking for gay mormon boys to tell their stories and so, after some persuasion by Joseph, I consented to go downtown and take a look at the filming. I thought I might participate, but I couldn’t know until I got there.

As I waited and watched I listened to the stories being told. I heard the straight actor from Hale Theatre who spoke out as an ally for his gay mormon friends in the theatre. I heard the bi woman who considered herself truly lucky to be blessed with an understanding husband because church leaders were so far from understanding. I saw the lesbian couple who struggled for their rights in, what they deemed as, the theocracy of Utah.

As I listened to these stories I was immobilized by fear. Could I really stand up and share my views? Would I be excommunicated for participating in this film? Did I have anything worthwhile to share? Joseph could sense my trepidation and so he held my hand and draped his arm around me for comfort. I felt like I had when I first told Hayden for the first time. I was literally shaking.

I then heard Emily Pearson tell her story of her father who left her family to live with a partner only to die of Aids in the arms of his ex-wife Carol Lynn Pearson. I heard her tell of her husband who had left her to live a gay bohemian lifestyle. I then heard her vilify the Church for the policies and teachings that had led to these traumas in her life.

At some point during this I realized that I needed to tell my story. I needed to speak up and so Joseph and I stepped forward together and had a few photographs taken of us and then I was wired with a mike and placed in front of the camera. Emily Pearson got permission from Reed to help conduct the interview. The lights went up, the cameras turned on and the interview began.

I don’t know what exactly was asked or how I answered the questions, but I do remember focusing mostly on my suicide attempt and how I didn’t feel remorse or anguish towards the church, only pain that it wasn’t talked about more so others could be helped.

After the interview I was calm and felt comforted by telling my story. It was the beginning of a new chapter in my life but even I didn’t know it yet.

Dancing Through Life - Part 5

Posted by BB | Labels: , , | Posted On 26 March, 2010 at Friday, March 26, 2010

I, Beloved Boyd, am a Gay Mormon Boy and everything I say here is the truth to the best of my knowledge:

After spending almost 14 days straight with Joseph, my mom decided that she had had enough. One day, while sitting in the kitchen tying my shoes, my mother told me that it was about time she met Joseph. I was blown away by this change in her. She had a couple of rules that we had to follow for her sake, but I could bring my boyfriend and soon-to-be fiancé home to meet my mom.

First my mom's rules:
  1. No Touching - She didn't want any visual reminder that we were actually in a relationship. I couldn't hug Joseph, Absolutely no hand-holding.
  2. It would be a small dinner with just the three of us. Walter (my step-dad) would be purposefully excluded.
  3. When my mom said dinner was over and she had had enough we would have to end it, no questions asked.
Three simple rules that we were to follow and, in an effort to be accepted by my family we readily agreed to. Joseph and I had talked about the eventual family visits that would take place and how little interaction we would have so that there wasn't undo discomfort.As the evening drew closer Joseph and I got more nervous. Luckily we were always in communication and so we could assuage each other's fears.

On the night of dinner, I was nervous, wondering what would happen. Was this a trap laid by my mother? Was she going to do something drastic and homophobic? How would Joseph react to my mother - a blend of 1950's class and modern chic style? Was this a plot to break us up? I really didn't know what to think but as Joseph pulled up to our front door dressed conservatively and sharp my worries were calmed.

I opened the door for Joseph and let him into my house, we didn't hug. I brought him into the kitchen to meet my mom. She was warm and inviting and soon thereafter we sat down and enjoyed a few bowls of chili as Joseph told his story. My mom was focused and involved, she didn't pull back into her shell. She was the perfect hostess.

That was when we told her that we were planning on getting married in Boston and that we were going to, like good Mormon boys, wait until we were committed to each other before we took things to the next level. My mom seemed to be okay with that and the conversation moved forward.

After dinner Joseph left and I talked with my mom for a bit getting her reaction and judgment on Joseph. She liked him and was glad that they had met. He provided a different image in her mind as to whom I was dating. Before she knew a name but that was about it, now she knew that she had raised me well enough to go for the good boys and not the bad ones.

Dancing Through Life - Part 4

Posted by BB | Labels: , , | Posted On 25 March, 2010 at Thursday, March 25, 2010

I, Beloved Boyd, am a Gay Mormon Boy and everything I say here is the truth to the best of my knowledge:

At one point during our courtship, Joseph and I went on a date where I met a few of his friends.

Lance G. – An economist. Lance G. had that blend of introvert and extrovert worked out just right. He was a little shy at first, but opened up when he needed to. Lance G. was dating Jon.

John – An English student who was strong and secure with himself. He was outgoing and confident, also cute as a button. John had his entirely life open to him with many choices of what he could do.

Lance K. – An artist. Lance K. must have had a double heaping of the Raisin Brahms when he was a kid. He was musically and visually talented. In fact it was through him that we were all going to this musical chorale concert.

As the five of us watched the choir we couldn’t help but point out the obvious gay boys, bad hair and amusing facial expressions found throughout the vocalists. We enjoyed the music and the company, but after the concert was over John had to go to work. The 4 of us were hungry and so we went out to eat, just Joseph, the Lance’s and I.

Once as we stood in line, twice more at the dinner table, and once more on the ride home I noticed an interesting group dynamic. Joseph and Lance K. would begin talking about music and theatre and art while Lance G. and I would talk about economics, prisoner’s dilemma, and John Nash.

I don’t know where it came from but it felt like I had been surrounded in discussion of musicals and theatre and shows and arts and singing and acting and dancing & now I was introduced to new conversation topics. I was enthralled.

This had been the first real experience of mine on a “double date” where I was talking more with my date’s friends than with my date. It was new and I liked the change of dynamics in discussion.

After we dropped of the Lance G. at his house, I commented to Joseph about how nice it was to see John and Lance G. as a couple and how it was nice to meet Joseph’s other friends. He told me that I had been well received. It made my day.

We drove back to Joseph’s and talked about our future plans. Us as a relationship and the next steps we were taking on our journey. We had a few crazy days ahead of us and those are stories for tomorrow. Because it was shortly after this that my Mother gave us the biggest shock of my life

Dancing Through Life - Part 3

Posted by BB | Labels: , , | Posted On 24 March, 2010 at Wednesday, March 24, 2010

I, Beloved Boyd, am a Gay Mormon Boy and everything I say here is the truth to the best of my knowledge:

And so Joseph dubbed me Fiyero and for me he was Hamlet, my sweet prince and together we were the utterly cheesy couple that, as one commenter emailed “[our] sweetness would induce diabetic shock”. Along with every cheesy couple comes a date where you compare music tastes. For us that happened early and I shared with Joseph the song “Best Thing” by Relient K.

Ironically enough, it is a song about finding Christ as the best thing in your life. For us it was a love anthem. Lets face it, the first stanza spoke to the both of us.
”It's been a year
Filled with problems
But now you're here
Almost as if to solve them
And I can't live in a world without you now

We both had lived through traumatic lives the last year and then suddenly we found each other. When our arms entwined our hearts soared and we wondered how we wound spend time apart from one another.
”All my life
I've been searching for you
How did I survive
In this world before you
Cause I don't wanna live another day without you now

This is the best thing
The best thing that could be happening
And I think you would agree
The best thing is that it's
Happening to you and me
”Cause when I looked into your eyes
And you dared to stare right back
You should've said "Nice to meet you, I'm your other half"
This song described how we felt our relationship was going and it was truly bliss. Joseph shared with me a couple of (obscure) musicals and their music that was great and has helped me throughout my life.
First is Bare: A Pop Opera!

Bare is the story of two Catholic schoolboys who are in a forbidden love. One of them (Peter) is ready to open himself up and come out and the other (Jason) would prefer to keep the status quo and stay hidden in the closet. It is a touching musical and I was only introduced to a couple of songs. One of those songs, Roll of a Lifetime was a personal anthem for me in times of despair because I could feel Joseph singing this song to me.

The other song that Joseph showed me hit me as an important facet in my dance through life. It is a song from Children of Eden called ”Lost in the Wilderness”. It is sung by Cain as he laments about his lot in life. It described my pain from days gone by and later in life has become my anger song. Give it a listen.

Dancing Through Life - Part 2

Posted by BB | Labels: , , | Posted On 23 March, 2010 at Tuesday, March 23, 2010

I, Beloved Boyd, am a Gay Mormon Boy and everything I say here is the truth to the best of my knowledge:

Today’s entry is the continuation of the same conversation with Joseph from after watching Prayers for Bobby with my Mom. But rather tan describe it I have recreated it here thanks to GChat. Some of the grammar has been altered, and a chunk was removed, but it gives you a sense of how smitten with each other we both were.

Joseph: I'm so twitterpaited!!!!
Boyd: me too and that does't help my commitment issues
Joseph: What is your fear?
Boyd: Fear provided by the same little voice of repression; that this isn't love but only twitterpation
Joseph: We talked about sex today
Boyd: A lot lol, without having any!
Joseph: See, we are mature The twitter is just a little cute thing
Boyd: I know but it scares me a little that I might be doing the wrong thing but the rest of me feels so complete. So I say Majority wins
Joseph: Why? Everyone feels that way though
Boyd: Yeah I know, but it is new to me
Joseph: Let me take that from you
Boyd: I have given into that doubt and repression for so long that nothing else had room to voice itself and so I now that I have begun to silence it, it is rising up in protest. Maybe it is just indigestion?
Joseph: I think so!
Boyd: Lets hope so and that it will wear off with a few nights rest
Joseph: Boyd, I'm willing to help you through this
Boyd: I know you are my pride hates me accepting help though
Joseph: I know, but I want you to know, you're worth it. You're my life, My all
Boyd: I am not perfect, but your right I might be worth it. You on the other hand are wonderfully perfect
Joseph: Might? You are!! Man I'm so into you!!
Boyd: I am so in love with you!
Joseph: Me too!! Man, I want to move in together one day!!!!! I wanna wake up next to you
Boyd: I want to marry you!
Joseph: heart skip a beat
Boyd: and not look at another person but you
Joseph: I don't look at guys anymore. Just you
Boyd: wake up in the middle of the night and find you right beside me
Joseph: And kiss ya
Boyd: I am starting to see guys like I see girls, attractive in their own right, but not really attractive to me.
Joseph: I'm feeling that way I just want to be with you
Boyd: Me too! If this were not the woman who birthed me I would be driving to meet you right now
Joseph: Oh, please just come!! LOL But If its not ok, Then ok
Boyd: I feel it would be best for me to stay
Boyd: Heart fluttering with the thought of you
Boyd: Had I talked to her post-Bobby tonight I might have come but she was too emotional to talk and so leaving the house and spending the night elsewhere random would have not helped
Boyd: When is the next movie night at Scott and Sarah's?
Joseph: Don't know we can plan it
Boyd: k let me know If it is on a sun/tues/Thurs/Fri/sat I can do it.
Joseph: Usually the weekends
Boyd: yeah so friday or saturday night should work or sunday nights
Joseph: So can be hang tomorrow?
Boyd: hopefully I have to find out plans and see what I can pull off. K?
Joseph: Of course
Boyd: I love you!
Joseph: I love you too..
Boyd: goodnight sweet prince I must bid thee adieu and good night
Joseph: Goodnight my Fiyero. Text me if you need in the night. I will have my phone on
Boyd: k Love you!
Joseph: Love you.
UPDATE: In honor of El Genio's brilliant observation

Dancing Through Life

Posted by BB | Labels: , , , , | Posted On 22 March, 2010 at Monday, March 22, 2010

I, Beloved Boyd, am a Gay Mormon Boy and everything I say here is the truth to the best of my knowledge:

I apologize for the lack of writing these past 2 weeks. My computer was giving me problems and so I took it into the Apple Store to get fixed. Boy! Are those guys busy? It seemed to take forever to get my computer fixed. But my computer is back and so am I.

Back to my story. When we last met, I had just finished watching Prayers for Bobby with my mom. It was a great movie and I learned a lot about my mother’s stance on things. After the movie I talked with Joseph. He wanted me to come over to Scott and Sarah’s with him so we could digest everything. Instead of taking place in Joseph’s arms, it took place over GChat.

Joseph cried when Bobby tried to take the pills to kill himself. I told him how my mother’s greatest fear for me was that I would fall in love, have my heart broken and because of that be driven to suicide. His response was “Boyd, I will NEVER hurt you.” We decided that Prayers for Bobby is one of the greatest gay movies of all time.

I told him the random things my mom did that were completely odd.
1. She asked me if Joseph was “like me” instead of asking if he was gay.
2. She asked who pays for the dates and was wondering who wears the pants in the relationship.

We continued our chat and confessed our love for each other even more. We discussed our boundaries; the swimsuit area (as it is often called) was off limits until Joseph was ready to go there. He had been hurt in the past and wanted to protect himself. I told him that I would wait as long as he needed us too, even if it was until after we were married.

Yep, my mind, in typical Utah Mormon fashion, was already thinking about marriage. As Nicholas told me just the other day, “The Church has a great way to promote families and marriage. It’s a one step program; Absolutely no sex until marriage. Then you are guaranteed to have a plethora of weddings.”

So there I stood completely stricken with love. I had dated Joseph for such a short period of time, but I thought that I wanted to stay with him forever. There is a simple Disney-esque term for this love. It happens to everyone each spring. You see the couple on BYU’s campus coming out like ants marching two by two. It is twitterpation and I was totally twitterpaited.

What is this Feeling? - Part 5

Posted by BB | Labels: , , , | Posted On 05 March, 2010 at Friday, March 05, 2010

I, Beloved Boyd, am a Gay Mormon Boy and everything I say here is the truth to the best of my knowledge:

Rather than describe the next date with Joseph I have decided to take a moment and talk about my Mother in all of this. About a month had passed since Walter tried to commit suicide and our lives were stabilizing.

At this point I had heard about the movie Prayers for Bobby and one day had bravely asked my mom if she would take the time to watch it with me. I hoped that in watching a show about a religious mother and her gay son that my mom could come to accept me openly and lovingly rather than what I felt was begrudging acceptance at the time.

The Sunday after I met Joseph was the premier event for this lifetime movie. I asked Walter if he would join us as well and he said he would stay as long as he could. As we started watching the movie I connected with Bobby. Here he was, a Presbyterian gay boy in the early 80’s who felt a deep connection to do what was right and to obey and respect his mother.

However Bobby went through a few stages that mirrored my own. Bobby snuck out and visited the gay club, a point in the movie that my mother had me skip as she turned away with disgust. This was akin to my first night at the club with Hayden in Seattle.

Meanwhile, Bobby’s mother tried to enforce discipline and change Bobby by posting scriptures everywhere and forcing him into bible camps and the like. My Mother, after I left BYU, was similar. She kept constant inquiry into my consistent scripture study and ensured I participated in healthy, “wholesome” activities with other guys.

Bobby left home to stay with his friends and that is where he bloomed and found a boyfriend. I returned home from Seattle to Utah where I finally bloomed. I had begun to find a boyfriend and that was something I longed to discuss with my mother. But when Bobby kissed his boyfriend David I looked at my mom who continued to stare out the window.

When Bobby was heartbroken I felt his pain in the memories of Hayden. When Bobby thought of killing himself I knew his feeling of loneliness. When Bobby jumped off the bridge the connections with Bobby shifted to away from a connection with Bobby and towards one between the two mothers.

My mother surely felt the trauma that Bobby’s mother felt when she heard the news. I could feel the pain spreading between the two mothers in the room. As the movie progressed I hoped that my mother would become an advocate and supporter rather than becoming simply tolerant of me.

After the movie we started to have a discussion and I was left with a couple of distinct insights into my mother’s view. 1st, she didn’t want me to explain homosexuality from a religious perspective. She feared for her own testimony. 2nd, I learned that she really did love me regardless of who I loved. Finally I learned that she deeply cared for my happiness and that meant all the world to me.

What is this Feeling - Part 4

Posted by BB | Labels: , , , | Posted On 04 March, 2010 at Thursday, March 04, 2010

I, Beloved Boyd, am a Gay Mormon Boy and everything I say here is the truth to the best of my knowledge:

Saturday should have been our 1st date and it turned out to be our 3rd. Honestly I cannot remember exactly what we did that night, but to the best of my ability, I believe that our date began with me picking Joseph up at his apartment downtown.

We got into my car and immediately Joseph slid over to the middle seat right next to me. I took his hand in mine and carefully drove with one hand. We went down to the gateway and into California Pizza Kitchen. As we sat and ate, we secretly held each other’s hands under the table. It was so cute.

We walked upstairs and watched a movie care of Larry H. Miller. I can’t recall which one, but I was there with Joseph and it was wonderful. About halfway through the trailers, we began to do the movie theatre cuddle. It lasted for the rest of the movie and then we left the theatre still terrified of the outside world. We walked out of the theatre like two good friends, not as we truly were, two boys in love.

We got back to my car and I drove Joseph home. We parked outside of his apartment and as we began to finish our current conversation thread I leaned in and gave him a kiss.

As a typical Mormon Boy Scout I had seen and memorized The Princess Bride. I knew that one of the final scenes describes Buttercup and Wesley’s first kiss.
Since the invention of the kiss there have been five kisses that were rated the most passionate, the most pure. This one left them all behind.

To me, at this kiss was better than any stolen kiss from Hayden, any lustful kiss for Darryl, or any whorish kiss from the johns at the gym. This kiss was honest, heart-melting love incarnate in the passion that only spread lips can express. It was gentle at first but grew in strength and passion with such force that it felt like a nuclear reaction was happening within the cells of my lips.

It was the kiss of two boys who both cared for each other; two boys in love with each other. And so as Joseph and I sat in the car kissing for over an hour and a half it came to the eventual conclusion. I leaned over to Joseph and whispered, “I think I am in love with you Joseph.”

I am in love with you too Boyd. You make me feel at peace. When can we see each other again?”

“Well tomorrow is church, and my mom won’t want me to go out anywhere tomorrow, and besides that, she has agreed to watch Prayers for Bobby with me.”

Joseph and I settled on Monday morning for our next date, breakfast at his house. In the meantime, I had a date with my mom to watch an influential Mother-Son Gay Movie. I wasn’t about to pass it up.

What is this Feeling - Part 3

Posted by BB | Labels: , , , , | Posted On 03 March, 2010 at Wednesday, March 03, 2010

I, Beloved Boyd, am a Gay Mormon Boy and everything I say here is the truth to the best of my knowledge:

Friday morning started out like a typical school day. I went to my classes and chatted constantly with Joseph. I was nervous and excited to be meeting his surrogate parents later. I made sure I put on something nice, applied my cologne, and scraped my tongue clean. I wanted to make a really good first impression.

Joseph and I met in the same parking lot of the Ice Cream shop. I got out of my car and into his and off we went. I was completely nervous and all I could think about was the movie title and trailer for “Riding in Cars with Boys.” We talked all the way there, and after I made a witty comment; Joseph put his hand on my knee. I quickly took advantage of the situation and reached out and took his hand in mine.

It felt great to hold someone’s hand again. Hayden was fresh in my mind, and his trepidation from holding hands was completely absent in Joseph. His slender hand in mine felt right, it felt good. Eventually we got to his parent’s house and I braced myself for a new situation.

We knocked on the door and were greeted by 3 kids yelling “JOSEPH JOSEPH JOSEPH!” I introduced myself to them and gave them big hugs. Then Scott and his wife Sarah introduced themselves to me.

We spent the night getting to know each other over some of the best hot chocolate I have ever had. When the kids went to bed I told my whole story to them, including my fears and doubts that all of my spiritual impressions were just me fooling myself. I heard Scott tell some of his and Sarah’s story and I heard some of Joseph’s darker tale as well.

As we talked Joseph and I sat on the couch and slowly began to hold hands through my difficult story. I drew strength from Joseph’s hand resting in mine and became a part of everyone’s life. It was a remarkable feeling.

Towards the night’s end, Sarah told me that she felt that when we were holding hands we were happier and brighter souls. Scott thanked me for bearing my testimony to him and telling him my story. He told me that he knew my testimony to be true as I told it. This helped me get off the ground later when I was feeling down.

As we left, Joseph and I hugged everyone goodbye. I felt really good after meeting Scott and Sarah. They were open and honest with me and they cared for me. It was a wonderful feeling. So Joseph and I got back into his car and we drove back to mine. As we talked for a couple of hours just holding each other, we set up another date for the next day.

What is this Feeling - Part 2

Posted by BB | Labels: , , | Posted On 02 March, 2010 at Tuesday, March 02, 2010

I, Beloved Boyd, am a Gay Mormon Boy and everything I say here is the truth to the best of my knowledge:

Saturday was the only day that worked out with both of our busy schedules, but as the week started and Joseph and I kept talking we realized that we couldn’t make it until Saturday. We talked and talked for hours on end. I told him my whole story, my indiscretions at BYU, my whole backstory I have told you these past few months. I relayed this to him over a period of about 2-3 days.

While sitting in the Institute building at the U of U, I decided to say “To Hell with it” and asked him what he was doing on Thursday instead. We set plans and a couple of days early we had our first date, Ice Cream near his work. I began the date timid and shy as the first rays of the sun, but soon overcame that feeling.

In order to arrange this date I had to move some things around and miss some LDS Frat activity, but the worst part was that I had to lie to my mother about it. I told her I was heading out and when she asked me where I lied straight to her face. Why? Was I ashamed of being gay? I think I still was at this point.

I left home and rushed through traffic texting Joseph the whole way there. I ended up beating him to the Ice Cream parlor by about 10 minutes. I sat there for those 10 minutes not fully knowing what to expect. I had seen pictures of Joseph and heard his voice, but this was the first time I had ever met anyone in person that I had first met online. I didn’t know what to expect.

When he walked in the first thing I noticed was that he was very different from Hayden. Hayden was into sports like basketball and while skinny was built. Joseph was skinny. He was a bit taller than me whereas Hayden was about my height. He also had a lot better sense in style than Hayden did.

We walked up to the counter together and, using gift cards (of course I paid for the both of us. We sat down and talked…. And kept talking. We were both scared out of our minds because we were new to gay dating. There were some silent moments, but we spent those times playing tag with our eyes.

I would stare ever so intently into my cookies and cream and then slowly look up into Joseph’s face as he would shyly avert his eyes. He was afraid that I didn’t like him in the same way he liked me and so he looked away. He enjoyed my brown eyes and deeply stared into them. It was a little different, but I liked it.

As we finished our Ice Cream Joseph suggested something I wasn’t fully prepared for. He wanted us to leave the store in his car and go meet his parents. Not his living blood parents, but the family that had, under a time of stress in his life, taken him under their wing.

I looked at my watch and saw how late it was. I had to decline. Then I pulled out my phone, looked at my calendar and realized that I could get away with time the next day after his work. So we made plans to meet for our 2nd date a day before our scheduled first date. I was nervous and afraid but knew that there was someone who I liked involved. I could do this, maybe.

What is this Feeling? – Part 1

Posted by BB | Labels: , , | Posted On 01 March, 2010 at Monday, March 01, 2010

I, Beloved Boyd, am a Gay Mormon Boy and everything I say here is the truth to the best of my knowledge:

After I met with Elder Christensen I felt ready to get over Hayden, I felt ready enough that if something came along I would go with it. And as it turned out something did come along that completely changed my life.

While I was in Seattle, before my suicide attempt, I joined Northstar. It was on Northstar that I met a friend who talked to me while I the pills were starting to take effect. He happened to be on the receiving end of a few of these calls and so, as usual, he sent out a text message to fellow gay mormon boys asking them to pray for me.

Enter Joseph. He received this message and in turn asked for my information. Somehow we got connected on Facebook and started chatting. Joseph was working in Salt Lake while I was going to school at the University of Utah. He hadn’t had a boyfriend and described himself as an SSA guy. Although he told me via chat that,
“I am beginning to see that homosexuality when done in a loving context with one person may not be wrong so many people think that it’s horrible and wrong. I just don’t see that anymore”
Joseph and I started talk about Mid-January and as we talked we got closer and closer to each other. I would sit and chat with Joseph nearly all day long. I would have my chat up during my classes and in looking at my chat log we had nearly 2500 lines of chat before we even met each other.

We talked about our collective pasts and our ideas for the future. We talked about work and school, love and friendship and we all around flirted in nearly every line of chat. Sarcasm abounded and after about 2 weeks we decided to take things to the next level.

We decided to go out on our first date for the next Saturday. We never made it to Saturday but that is the story for tomorrow.

A New Year for a renewed life - Final Part

Posted by BB | Labels: , , , | Posted On 27 February, 2010 at Saturday, February 27, 2010

I, Beloved Boyd, am a Gay Mormon Boy and everything I say here is the truth to the best of my knowledge:

Whenever we find an answer all it seems to reveal are more questions. When I left Elder Christensen’s office I had gained some answers and some direction but all I had was more questions.

God had told me that I needed to start looking for a husband and get ready to adopt kids. Elder Christensen had told me that Satan and/or my own desires were leading me away from the church. As I drove home the contrasting views clouded my mind.

On one hand I had two distinct and undeniable impressions from the spirit. The first gave me my testimony of God when I was at a point of utter despair. The second told me of what I should do with my life. My first question about the second revelation was “What?” the second “Why?”

I was in utter shock that I would be given such a revelation. It really was a foreign concept to me that I didn’t believe could happen. In asking why I had a couple of thoughts. 1st is that I stopped focusing on what is right for gay mormon boys and instead on what was right for me. I also stopped asking what was right and instead in which direction I should move my feet.

The second reason I thought of is that the Lord, having perfect empathy, was giving me this revelation so that A. I could know the spirit even better because B. I needed to have the hope of a husband now in order to divert my course away from a tragic and early death. To this day I still do not know why I was given this revelation, but I do now know my present course in life.

As for being led away by Satan I came up with a couple scenarios. 1, If Elder Christensen was right and Satan had the power to mimic the spirit perfectly then how do we know that everything revealed unto man wasn’t from Satan in the first place? How do we know that Satan didn’t create religion, the greatest cause of death worldwide?

2. If the second revelation I had came from Satan then that meant that the first also came from Satan. They were identical. If Satan is advocating for God’s position then he is NOT Satan.

If the second revelation was created by me then that meant my testimony in God; in the loving atonement of Christ; all of it was also created by me. If that were so then why was I in such angst and anger at the world? Why was I struggling with my faith? And even if it were a self-delusion, isn’t it better to live the delusion rather than suffer a life without the love of Christ?

These were my thoughts as I deconstructed the revelations in my life. It took me many months after the revelations to get to this point. Many nights of anguish and pain. They cost me a couple of relationships as well, but that is a story for another week, so stay tuned to the Journey of a Gay Mormon Boy.

A New Year for a renewed life - Part 11

Posted by BB | Labels: , , , | Posted On 26 February, 2010 at Friday, February 26, 2010

I, Beloved Boyd, am a Gay Mormon Boy and everything I say here is the truth to the best of my knowledge:

My mind just exploded. Usually as I am being baptized I try to remember the names of those I am being baptized for. I try to say a little prayer to them, a prayer of encouragement. That morning I entered the font in a complete daze. I don’t remember even doing baptisms, or showering and getting dressed either.

My mind was in complete shock. How could I have received a revelation guiding me towards a husband? How could Heavenly Father give me that knowledge? What did it mean? Did I have the strength to take that step forward? I didn’t think I did. I exited the temple and walked over to Elder Christensen’s office in still in a pretty good shock.

I sat down with Elder Christensen and he asked me what was troubling me. Still flabbergasted from the revelation I had earlier received my original questions regarding new (church-wide) revelation concerning homosexuality went out the window. Instead my thoughts, in asking “WTF Heavenly Father,” had wondered what the hell do I do now? And so I asked Elder Christensen “What do you do when what the spirit tells you to do and what the Church tells you to do conflict?”

Definitely a loaded question that I hadn’t prepared for. His response was a bit shocking, but more on that later. After clearing up the difference between members, local leaders and the brethren he answered,
“That will never happen to you Boyd. It has happened before, but it is a headline event when it happens. The first hurdle that any member of the church has to clear is the story of Nephi slaying Laban. However Boyd, Nephi was a prophet and therefore he was special. I promise to you that that will never happen.”

“Well what does it mean when that does happen? I have felt it happen. The spirit of revelation I have felt is the same burning spirit I felt when I learned that God did exist, that Christ lives and that his atonement is eternal. When this prompting leads me on a course that, given present policy, would excommunicate me what do I do? In a fight between the Church and God who wins?”

”Well Boyd, where can spiritual promptings come from? They can come from one of three sources. 1st, The Lord 2nd, Satan and 3rd, Ourselves. Boyd, couldn’t it be that Satan is leading you on a path out of the church?”

“No. If he were, why would he, at a point of despair and desperation in my life, a time when I was about to become an atheist jaded by pain, would Satan demonstrate the Savior’s love to me? The feelings in my heart are the same and by definition of Satan he cannot be doing God’s work else he would cease to be Satan. I would believe it were my own desires if I hadn’t been so focused on what God wanted me to do.”

”Boyd, you must have been prompted to start this path out of the church by Satan. He has great power to mimic the spirit and he desires very much for you to leave the church. He wants you to be miserable like him. You need to stick with the Church, it will not lead you astray.”

This wasn’t the full transcript of our talk, but the message conveyed was the same. Tomorrow I will finish this series and conclude with my thoughts as I left the meeting with Elder Christensen.