Freshman Year Part 4 - The 500th Day of Summer

Posted by BB | Labels: , , | Posted On 31 December, 2009 at Thursday, December 31, 2009

I, Beloved Boyd, am a Gay Mormon Boy and everything I say here is the truth to the best of my knowledge:

While a lot happened my freshman year at BYU, the biggest change in my life took place on particular day near the end of the semester. It was a day that I am proud of and a day that beat me to a bloody pulp, but here I stand stronger for it. The day was Sunday and it began appropriately enough, with a sunrise.

That week I didn’t have any of my Elder’s Quorum duties and so I made a morning trip down to the 24hr Sugarhouse. I wore my church clothes so that I could go to church at a nearby ward. As I said earlier, I often had the pick of the gym and today was no exception. I spotted a hot guy and made him my target. Pretty quickly he and I were in the back handicapped shower going at it. After we were done, we toweled off and got dressed. He invited me to go back to his place but I told him I had a family brunch I had to go to. (It was a lie, I didn’t want to tell him I was going to go to church after just having an anonymous hookup). We parted ways and I went off to the nearby ward.

The worlds of this Gay Mormon Boy collided into a mass explosion much like this.
I had been to this ward a couple of times during my freshman year and this day was no different from the others. During the Sacrament I took out my pen and paper and began to write a letter to Nicholas. I wrote about how I wanted to go on a mission and was getting ready to do so. As I wrote those words having just come from the gym my two worlds collided together and the walls that divided them was torn down. In that instant I felt that everyone around me was feeling the spirit but I was feeling a cold chill. Right then I decided I needed to tell my bishop everything.

I gave him a call and told him that I needed to meet with him that night and that if I changed my mind or was silent to force me to tell him everything. I had an appointment for 7:30 and my gut started to retch in the agony that they knew was coming. I got back down to Provo and talked to him. I told him everything. I told him how I had been looking at Gay Porn at BYU. How I was cruising and roughly how many guys I had messed around and had sex with.

He was shocked. He felt that he had failed as a bishop because he should have seen it coming and he hadn’t suspected me of anything. He assured me that I wasn’t gay (like that had even crossed my mind at all). He told me that he had to think about everything and that I would discover my final judgment the next week. As it turned out I was able to finish out the semester because of my candor and my stepping up to talk to him. It was only about a week more, but it helped. I was then transferred to my Homeward Stake President and Bishop and had to find school elsewhere.

So that is how my Freshman year at BYU ended, not with a whimper, but with a bang of pride. I told my bishop everything and spent the next year recovering from my cruising. It was a year later that I caught a flight to Seattle. Stay tuned in and keep reading the journey of a gay mormon boy.

Freshman Year Part 3 – I Know What You Did Last Summer

Posted by BB | Labels: , | Posted On 30 December, 2009 at Wednesday, December 30, 2009

I, Beloved Boyd, am a Gay Mormon Boy and everything I say here is the truth to the best of my knowledge:

So like I said yesterday, I took a break from BYU for spring semester. I thought I was going to have a national tennis tournament but because of a lot of issues that came together, I didn’t qualify. I was devastated and so I quickly signed up for summer courses and fought tooth and nail for housing. I actually got some decent classes with great professors. Thanks!

I wish that my job was as cool as Chuck Bartowski's at the Nerd Herd, but the first real job for this Gay Mormon Boy ended up being retail customer service. Lame!
I had an easy schedule and actually got a job in town as well. The job took away some time for cruising which I thought was a good thing, but the side effects were that my sessions were more intense. Not a good thing. In the rush of moving in, getting my job and signing up for classes I forgot to check one thing. My ward.

I was in the same ward, with the same bishop. This bishop adored me and, as I later found out, had to fight with his counselors to sit in on my Gospel Doctrine lessons. All this while I was still cruising. Again, talk about schizophrenia! In BYU Summer wards, they have to fill callings quickly and so the first few days back, I met with the Bishop. We talked and he asked me what calling I wanted. I could pick anything. Because I knew what I had been doing, I told him, Anything but Elder’s Quorum President. He told me fair enough and that was the interview.

So next week in church I get my calling. No, it wasn’t EQP, but 1st counselor in the Elder’s Quorum Presidency instead. It was my duty to help this 17 year-old recent graduate and brand new elder lead a quorum of, lets face it, High School kids. Thanks Bishop. I was glad to do it, it just added another block of things to my schedule.

Things only got worse from there. The next week of Church the Bishop set us all down in the cultural hall. He decided to give us “the talk.” Now this wasn’t something he had done the previous semester. He sat u down and told us, explicitly, the dangers of even approaching the line.

I wonder if my BYU Bishop's understanding of homosexuality often resulted to the knowledge of these kids?He gave us a case study of one of the ward members form the previous semester (I don’t know who). This kid had his dad (also his bishop) call the BYU Bishop to confess for him. Apparently, this kid had started just hanging out with this girl and after parking and being alone too much, it lead to a blowjob. This poor kids’ dad told him he might be excommunicated for it ad that a mission was completely out of the question, as well as BYU.

This was the most awkward “talk” I have ever had, including coming out to people. And yet, the talk was oddly successful. It drove home the importance of staying as far away from sin as possible. Granted, by then I was a cruising addict and so it took a while for the perfect storm that broke me open.

Freshman Year Part 2 – My Schizophrenic Life

Posted by BB | Labels: , | Posted On 29 December, 2009 at Tuesday, December 29, 2009

I, Beloved Boyd, am a Gay Mormon Boy and everything I say here is the truth to the best of my knowledge:

By the time I had my first foray into cruising in Provo, I had already been called as the Gospel Doctrine teacher. This was the beginning of a schism in my personality. Much like Michael Cera in the upcoming movie “Youth in Revolt,” I created a persona of what others needed to see me as and what I truly was.
Michael Cera expresses the schizophrenic  life of this gay mormon boy in his movie Youth Revolt.

I had the responsibility to teach and uplift my ward spiritually and so I read Hugh Nibley, the Manual, Talks from General Conference and the Ensign, in search of ways to engage the other members of my ward. I took the job seriously and tried to plan out my lessons about a week in advance. I would print out the lesson and map out what I would talk about where and write out bullet points of what I would say.

Now again, I was pretty shy and so the bravery I had discovered helped me to excel in this calling and helped me to teach what I hope were good lessons that drew on history and philosophy to describe key topics. However, I was also still cruising.

The 24hr fitness in Provo is a lie; they close on Sundays. That meant that one of the best times to cruise was Saturday around 10:00-11:59PM. That meant that my 9:00 o’clock church would be filled with little sleep and no spiritual preparation. That is until I discovered a deeper secret of the cruising world. Provo has nothing on Salt Lake. So I explored the different gyms and ended up at the 24hr fitness in Sugarhouse. Because this one was open on Sundays I changed my schedule to let me go and teach and then hit up the gays in the “sugarhood” for some afternoon delight.

However much I despise Anchorman, this afternoon Delight is what I thought of while driving down to sugarhouse for my gay mormon sexual encounters.My life became a world controlled by keeping my two personalities as far out of sync as possible. Both in my mind and with my friends, I told lies about where I was. One time I found a substitute for my class so I could go and cruise for a hook-up. I tell you this not because I want to boast, or because I am proud, or as some kind of therapy, but because it is the truth.

I was so stressed out by this schizophrenic schism that I started to get physically ill. My body couldn’t handle living two lives. But rather than tell someone about it, I lied to my doctors, to my parents and to my friends even more. If there is anything in my life I wish I could redo, this is on the top 3 for sure.

Needless to say, my life became a shattered mess that I hung onto throughout the first two semesters of school. My bishop knew nothing and praised me for my dedication and hard work. I took a break for spring, but came back again for summer semester and until tomorrow, that is as far as this journey goes.

Freshman Year - Discovery

Posted by BB | Labels: , | Posted On 28 December, 2009 at Monday, December 28, 2009

I, Beloved Boyd, am a Gay Mormon Boy and everything I say here is the truth to the best of my knowledge:

My freshman year at BYU was filled with a lot of misdeeds. They are choices that looking back I wish I wouldn’t have done, but having done them, they have helped shape who I am now. Just like last week, this will be a 4 post series.

As I said when I described meeting Mohinder, I started out college by turning over a new leaf. The old Boyd would have gone into his room and read a book. But something about a fresh start away from my family sparked a new Boyd. I decided that if I wanted to be confident, all I needed to do was pretend I was. I recalled this quote “We are not the masks we wear. But if we don them, do we not become them?” and I realized that if I pretended to be confident that I would become so. I wouldn’t be as shy, as emotional, as much of a loner.

The Green Goblin became the mask he wore just as I hoped I would as a shy gay mormon boy at BYU
I started doing this and I discovered myself. I discovered that I really was confident, but only after I realized that what others though of me didn’t really matter. With this new-found self, I became braver. And that led to a new discovery that I wish wouldn’t have happened.

I discovered my bravery when I took my porn addiction to the next level. I began to look at sites designed to meet people for hook-ups. I started looking more and more and discovered that the gyms around Provo were the perfect venues for my new discovery. Cruising. I started hanging out at Gold’s Gym and the 24 hr fitness in Provo and I discovered how to meet guys for casual sex. I discovered the subtle signs to look for and to broadcast my desires to others.

I learned how to look at peoples eyes; how to start-up a cold conversation with someone, how to just “accidentally” brush their skin. I spent many hours at the gym, not working out, but in-between the pool, hot-tub, sauna and steam room.

I was young and could have my pick of nearly any guy I wanted whether it was a muscle jock or a troll. I started out on this path and this journey after a few months into the semester and I would go cruising about once every 2 weeks.

The one thing I didn’t discover was that I was actually gay. I just thought that I had been so testosterone filled and so horny from my porn addiction that I had to release somehow. I knew that defiling a woman would have been worse and so I went with guys.

That was my delusion several years ago but now I know that I am gay, and that I don’t have to be ruled by my sexual desires.

My Four Friends – Mohinder

Posted by BB | Labels: , , | Posted On 24 December, 2009 at Thursday, December 24, 2009

I, Beloved Boyd, am a Gay Mormon Boy and everything I say here is the truth to the best of my knowledge:

After I moved away from Hal, I had one year with Hidalgo and a year and a half with Nicholas before we split ways. Then I was on my own again. That is, until I met Mohinder.

Moving in on the first day of college, my mom helping me move in. I have to wonder if when I told her about Mohinder all the time if she thought she would end up with ambiguous Christmas card's from her gay mormon boy in South Beach?The first time I met Mohinder I was walking down the dorm hall at BYU. It was late at night, but I had just begun to move in. My mom and I hauled in my stuff and then I said goodbye and then I was left alone, alone in my room, alone in my hall and feeling utterly out of place and alone in life. But it was a fresh slate so rather than sit in my room I went out into the hall where music was playing and guys were introducing themselves and making friends.

I have never felt quite right in a large group of people but I took the plunge and dived in. I met a lot of people that night and one of them was Mohinder. I didn’t know it at the time, but Mohinder was one of the 2% at BYU. No, not the Gay 2% (that’s more like 10% anyway) but one of the 2% of non-Mormons at BYU.

You wouldn’t have known it from the way he participated in Church, or through anything he did or say. I only found out once he told me the missionaries were coming by to teach him. He and I spent a lot of time together. We helped each other study and there were times when I would lie in bed with him while I helped him learn a foreign language.

By this time the ice that separated me from recognizing my sexuality was razor thin. As you will find out more next week. I had deep feelings for Mohinder and while I vocalized them as friendship, they really were more than that. I cared about him and wanted to be with him and wanted him to be with me. That is, until he got baptized. After that happened I backed off. I don’t know what I was thinking that led me to do that, but I backed away from Mohinder in any sort of romantic way after his baptism.

After he got baptized, his father disowned him. I left BYU and was alone. He started seriously dating the girl that had help convert him. He began debating about a mission and by the time he was ready to go, I was clean enough to help set him apart.

Leaving him at the MTC was a hard thing for me to do, but I sent him on his way to his mission in Southeast Asia. He is still a dear friend and you will hear much more about him later.

I am Beloved Boyd and these are my few four friends. I have had other friends, but none as strong, as heartfelt and as true as these. They will play a part in my journey so stay tuned for next week as I discuss my first year at BYU.

My Four Friends – Hal

Posted by BB | Labels: , , | Posted On 23 December, 2009 at Wednesday, December 23, 2009

I, Beloved Boyd, am a Gay Mormon Boy and everything I say here is the truth to the best of my knowledge:

In my last two posts I mentioned that I met Nicholas and Hidalgo both before I moved. Well when I moved I left behind my school, my ward, and my best friends. When I moved I had nobody. My ward was full of ruddy, crude and rowdy boys who had grown up together. I was the consummate new kid and so I became a loner. My school was an entire grade behind my old studies so that left me with little to do and it seemed like my best friends were in another country. I had no one.

I tried to fill the void with activities. I joined the football team for a year, was in the upper division of my schools wrestling squad and still was alone. I would come home from practice and would be left with little to do. Sure I went to church activities and scouts, but I was never really a part of the crowd, I was always looking in from the outside.

After about a year and a half of this, my mother decided that she had had enough and that I was going to be active in something else that might help me find friends. By this time I was done with football and wrestling and was looking at taking theatre. My mom came into my room and gave me a catalogue of courses from the local community college. She told me that I had to pick one but she didn’t care which.

As I flipped through the catalog I noticed a couple of acting classes, some voice lessons and then I saw tennis. The more I thought about it the more it grew on me so I picked tennis. So when the new school year started, I started my classes and then two weeks later I would go to the college for tennis practice. Then an odd thing happened.

Roger Federer at Wimbledon, Hal and I were looking to Wimbledon as our goal.
In my World History class I made a friend, Hal. We seemed to both be slight tech geeks and history buffs. We got along great that first week of school and in the second week I discovered that he played tennis as well! And not only that, but we both were taking classes at the college. He was in an advanced class, but after a few short weeks, the coach asked me to move up and join the team with Hal.

That was the start of my first friend in a new land; my first non-Mormon friend; my first tennis buddy. We hung out together a lot for that next year and we discovered that he was half-Mormon and I was his long lost brother. That is how close we became. Then I had the chance to move back home with Nicholas and Hidalgo. I had been trying to get that from my mom for nearly 3 years and I had finally convinced her.

I still don’t know if I made the right decision, but Hal and I have drifted over the years since. We still stay in contact loosely and I am out to him and his entire family, but we have lost a lot of what I once had.

My Four Friends – Hidalgo

Posted by BB | Labels: , , | Posted On 22 December, 2009 at Tuesday, December 22, 2009

I, Beloved Boyd, am a Gay Mormon Boy and everything I say here is the truth to the best of my knowledge:

When Nicholas and his family moved away, I sought for a replacement friend. After all, they had been my only male friends. I found one for a little while, but that quickly faded. My mother, interested in helping me find good male friends, kept telling me that I should hang out with Hidalgo, a boy from my grade that lived down the road. I went over there to play once but it wasn’t the same as Nicholas and his brothers so I put him out of my mind for a while.

Yugioh was a Gay Boy's dream waiting to happen BTW
2 years went by and I was in 7th grade and who should be in 4 of my classes? Hidalgo. Up until this point we were never in the same class and so our lives touched tangentially. 7th grade changed all that. I was over at his house all the time. We had lightsaber fights; computer game nights; and even a season obsessed by YuGiOh. We were pretty inseparable. Like with Nicholas’ family, I helped out with the chores, helped tend his younger siblings, and always helped carry in the groceries.

I can’t count the times we shared meals at each other’s houses, how often we got each other in trouble, or how much we grew. It was amazing. As I write this I marvel at how short a time it really was. We were great friends for a little more than a year before I moved away. Hidalgo and I formed a great bond that continued whenever I visited my old home. His family loved me and for a while I was calling his mother “mom”.

When I was looking for a place to live when I moved back home, they were willing to house me as their own child. Sadly that didn’t work out, but Hidalgo and his family were that wonderful to me. When I moved back, he and I had drifted slightly, but we still hung out all the time. When I went off to BYU, we drifted further; when he went on his mission to South America our contact nearly disappeared.

And then, he came home. I knew what day he was flying in and so I called his house to set something up with him. This was about a year after I had come out and I knew I needed to tell him. When I called his house, his little brother handed him the phone as he was walking through the front door. That is how linked we are!

We ended up meeting for a short little while that was too short before he left for college. I didn’t have the chance to come out to him, but one week from today I will be having lunch with him and I plan on telling him everything. Hopefully it will go as well as our friendship.

My Four Friends - Nicholas

Posted by BB | Labels: , , | Posted On 21 December, 2009 at Monday, December 21, 2009

I, Beloved Boyd, am a Gay Mormon Boy and everything I say here is the truth to the best of my knowledge:

So I realized a few things last week. First that Christmas is on Friday; second that 2 suspenseful posts in a row may not be the best thing; third, that I had mentioned my best friends a few posts back and even added them to the growing cast of characters with no introduction.

So instead of the next series being in correct chronological order, leaving my readers in high suspense for Christmas, I am going to tell you about my best friends who come into play later on in my journey. That's this weeks 4 post series next week will be another surprise and on the 4th I will resume where I left off.

I met Nicholas and his family after we moved to SLC; around the time I entered kindergarten. His family lived 2 doors down from me and he was in the ward with me. I played with him and 2 of his brothers until they moved. About 4 years later they moved back into their home and he 4 of us hit it off pretty well. Their dad was the scoutmaster so we were always around each other.

A Death Star made from Legos, this took some effort, but our star wars Lego fights were epic!
I was always helping them with their Saturday chores, playing with legos, building blanket forts, helping with the paper route, and even building a fort/clubhouse in their backyard that is a storage shed now.

The adventures we had are countless and could fill volumes in and of themselves. Well, around 8th grade I moved and years later moved back for my senior year of high school. While there, Nicholas and I were still good friends. We had picked up right where we left off.

After high school we both went off to BYU for a semester and he left on his mission to Eastern Europe. I idolized Nicholas and wanted to be just like him. His testimony, his confidence, his crazy acrobatic skill. So when he left on. His mission I looked to him as my guiding star.

After he left BYU for Europe I wrote him to tell him how I was doing. It was while writing a letter to him telling how much I wanted to be like him that I realized I was a hypocrite. I had spent my freshman year at BYU obliterating the honor code and I was excepting to just pickup and go on my mission.

After I realized this I told my bishop everything. I was removed from BYU and you know the rest. Well Nicholas is back from his mission and when we hung out we again picked up right where we left off and it was great. I still haven't come out to him, but that will happen soon I know.

Nicholas was my first true friend and someone whom I might name my children after. He is like family to me and I would die for him if need be.

Jim Sturgess

Posted by BB | Labels: | Posted On 19 December, 2009 at Saturday, December 19, 2009

I, Beloved Boyd, am a Gay Mormon Boy and everything I say here is the truth to the best of my knowledge:

Jim Sturgess is pretty much the cutest brit I know... wiat NO but he is close.
I mean come one, look at that grin on Jim Sturgess, wouldn't that make any gay boy melt? Mormon or not I would cuddle with him for hours!Today's Saturday Delight is a grand love of mine. Anyone with a British accent immediately rises to the top ten of my list. Someone who can sing? Ah, that is just phenomenal! and add his cute button face and ah, I melt. Jim Sturgess can sing, his accent is to die for and his face is so snuggable. His skill as an actor are pretty good and I just can't resist him. So here is your Saturday Delight, Jim Sturgess.

Coming Out to Mom Part 5 - The Sound of Silence

Posted by BB | Labels: , , , | Posted On 18 December, 2009 at Friday, December 18, 2009

I, Beloved Boyd, am a Gay Mormon Boy and everything I say here is the truth to the best of my knowledge:

Shame is an interesting beast. It can completely demoralize a person and leave him beaten and destroyed. Shame is what I felt when I told my mom that I could no longer go to BYU. I eventually got on my feet and landed my internship in Seattle. I came out to friends and dad shortly thereafter and I knew that it was time for me to tell my mom when she flew up to see me about a month after I told my dad.

In typical mom fashion I stayed with her at her hotel in a room with 2 double beds. I had 4 nights like this and I have no doubt that she knew that my life was boiling underneath the surface. There were constant periods of utter silence and several times that I thought I was about to tell her everything.

On the last night she was in town she asked "What are you thinking?" to which I replied something along the lines of "Just examining how far my life has come since High School"
"What do you mean" she asked
"Well mom… No its nothing"
"What" she inquired sternly
"Well" I paused, the words getting caught in my throat "Mom … I'm Gay"


16 bars of rest resulting in complete and utter silence
More Silence

It was silent in that room except for the sound of cars below.

The silence lasted for about 35 minutes until I broke it by asking; "What are you thinking?"
"Well"… Silence "Maybe you only think you are gay. As your mother I would have known, I would have seen signs. Maybe you are wrong. How do you know for sure?"
"Mom, I know" I trembled to say
"How? Its not like you have had any experience with these things"
"Actually Mom" I cried, "I am not your perfect son, trust me I know, many times over I know."

Silence again

I never learned to stop worrying and embrace the silence, but my journey of as a Gay Mormon Boy has been filled with many hours of silence.The silence became so uncomfortable that I told her that I felt like I should leave the room and go back to my apartment to give her time to grasp everything. She said I didn't have to go but still I felt the need to sleep in my own bed and have some comfort from Hayden who would help me process everything.

So I went home and on the way told Hayden to prepare for a downtrodden Boyd. When I walked in he held me and even with the warmth of his embrace I felt isolated from the world. The next morning I met with my mother in her room and helped her pack for home. She offered to stay and comfort me but I told her that I would be fine. While she was in the bathroom I slipped "In Quiet Desperation" into her suitcase.

After she landed she called me and told me that no matter what she still loved me, that I was her son but that she didn't believe I was gay. Largely because she hadn't seen any of the signs in me that were vastly different from my 2 straight brothers. She then told me that she didn't need my copy of "In Quiet Desperation" because a few years prior she had picked it up. Apparently she didn't think I was gay either before or after buying it.

So that is how I came out to my mom. How I shamefully ruined her image of her perfect son slowly over time. Things have changed in the past year. Stay tuned in and keep reading the journey of a gay mormon boy.

Coming Out to Mom Part 4 - Eating my Just Desserts

Posted by BB | Labels: , , , | Posted On 17 December, 2009 at Thursday, December 17, 2009

I, Beloved Boyd, am a Gay Mormon Boy and everything I say here is the truth to the best of my knowledge:

Sometimes we all need a little motivation in out lives, sometimes demotivation. H/T despair.comHumble pie is never easy to eat. And yet at some point in our lives we all have to swallow our pride and our words. When I told my mom that anyone who broke an honor code should shamefully turn themselves in, I never thought that it would be me. After the tennis match at the air force academy, I went on to finish high school and get accepted at BYU. I dutifully signed the honor code with about as much thought as when I signed a receipt. With that signature I promised to obey the law of chastity and stick to all rules established by the church and BYU.

I thought that it would be a simple fix. That being at BYU in a controlled environment I would forsake my sins and get better. Much like many parents today I thought BYU would straighten me out. That I would no longer look at gay porn and that I would go on my mission with all this behind me and help convert thousands. I even had dreams of becoming a general authority or mission president. Who knows, that may still happen (ha) but regardless my first year at BYU was not a wholesome experience.

I will go into that in it's own series, but long story short I broke the honor code. I took it and trampled it and tore it up. I did things that were illegal and still I attended classes and served in my ward. But finally I got to the point where my two lives couldn't continue. One had to die. So I set up a meeting with my bishop and told him everything. I opened myself up to him and sought his guidance. In return I was asked not to return to BYU the following semester.

The next stage after telling my bishop was to tell my mom. This was the second hardest thing in my life to do and her reaction to the half-truths I told her nearly killed me. I had to tell her that I wasn't allowed to go back to BYU. She broke down and went into the bathroom to cry and I was left trying to comfort her through a door. She was in agony. I had broken her heart. I was supposed to be her stalwart child and instead I had become the biggest disappointment. That was the worst point in my life. I spent months brooding over the pain I had caused her.

Luckily only one thing has been more difficult and that is the final piece to this post. Tomorrow I tell you how I came out to my mother.

Coming Out to Mom Part 3 - The Long and Winding Road

Posted by BB | Labels: , , | Posted On 16 December, 2009 at Wednesday, December 16, 2009

I, Beloved Boyd, am a Gay Mormon Boy and everything I say here is the truth to the best of my knowledge:

Bree Van deKamp Hodge, a Desperate Housewife that sometimes reminds me of my mother. Always prim and proper and always keeping up an image that fell in private. She also had a Gay SonMy mother is Like Bree Van de Kamp from Desperate Housewives. She always had tact and so never mentioned my history in public, only in complete privacy. As a result of this “tactful timing,” I hate, riding in the car alone with my mother. The front seat of the car would be made more comfortable if it had spikes, that’s how great a long drive with mom could be.

This particular occasion was no different, but first a little back-story.

By the time I was a senior in high school I had found a sport that I did well at. We will call it tennis (It might actually have been underwater midget tossing, but to protect certain peoples identities we will call it tennis). For tennis, I had to travel to competitions around the nation. I used this time to also look at colleges and so that coupled with the fact that she is my mother, mom nearly always traveled with me.

So by this point in my life my mom had seen my Internet history filled with gay porn about 4 times. Those sadly were only the times I got caught. While we were traveling we would normally fly directly into the closest airport and car time was kept to a minimum. This particular trip I had a competition at the Air Force Academy in Colorado Springs. I should have seen it coming when we flew into Denver instead of Colorado Springs like we had in the past, but I missed that fact completely.

While Bree reminds me of my mother, Bobby's Mother played by Sigourney Weaver acts and speaks a lot more like my mom. She is always asking me 'What are you thinking'
Have you ever driven from Denver to Colorado Springs? I know it is only about an hour and a half drive, but that trip the silence lasted for eternity. It was complete and utter silence in that car as my mother prepared her questioning for me and it took us until we were at the outer gates of the Academy that she finally asked me:

“What are you thinking”
I mumbled some response. That was her cue to pounce apparently.
“How is your ‘problem’ going?”
“Now?” I thought to myself. “My event starts in about 30 minutes and you want to talk about this now?” Instead I told her that it was going ok (it wasn’t)
“Well you need to fix that before you go to college” she said “It wouldn’t be fair for you to dishonestly take someone’s place because you couldn’t keep to the Honor Code”
I thought she had finished, I could see the parking lot ahead and then she asked me:
“Don’t you agree son?
She had spent a car ride in silence to get to this moment and I didn’t have the heart to tell her the truth that I was getting “worse”. So I told her:
“I think anyone who can’t uphold the Honor Code is taking a spot away from someone who really wants to go and should leave on their own out of shame.”

It is surprising how our own words come back to haunt us later in life. But that is another story for another day.

Coming Out to Mom Part 2 – Pandora’s Jar (or Box)

Posted by BB | Labels: , , | Posted On 15 December, 2009 at Tuesday, December 15, 2009

I, Beloved Boyd, am a Gay Mormon Boy and everything I say here is the truth to the best of my knowledge:

Pandora sitting on the rocks holding her Jar (or Box) looking as lonely as I felt when I was consumed by pornWhen I was 12, my parents were getting a divorce. It had been dragged on for a while and my mom was taking trips to Arizona to settle the paperwork pretty frequently. We always had a computer in the home, but during her absence I opened Pandora’s Jar. As I discussed in my prologue, this is when I began to look at porn.

For the first few hours it was straight porn but almost immediately I found my way to gay porn and was hooked. It went on for a couple months until one day I didn’t clear my history. That was when my mom found what I had been looking at and told me she was repulsed by it. I was 13 at the time and I started down a road that has been filled with all the evils that were found inside that jar. Though my mom saw what I was looking at, she still found the hope at the bottom of the jar and it allowed her to look beyond the fact that it was gay porn and she only saw the evils of pornography. In a way that was a blessing for me.

Flash forward to 2 years later. I am 15 and a I have had three similar run-ins with my mom catching my history of gay porn. Each time she overlooked the fact that it was gay and that allowed me a few years of ignorant bliss in which I could live my life unaware of my sexuality.

I had spent 4-5 years I and out of gay porn which must have devastated my mother. You see, she blamed pornography for the divorce and told me that I needed to overcome this frailty before I destroyed a family like my Dad had helped to do. That more than anything helped me to realize that I couldn’t really ever marry a woman. With my homosexual attractions I would be openly inviting a destruction of a Mixed-Orientation Marriage and would end up harming the lives of children just like my parents did with me. Now I don’t have anything against Mixed-orientations if you feel they are right for you and both parties have all the information laid on the table, they just definitely not for me and I have my mother to thank for helping me to realize that.

Sadly, the discussion about my weaknesses didn’t happen only when I was caught looking at porn. My mother was able to bring it up in the best of places, which is tomorrow’s tale.

Coming Out to Mom – My Childhood OGT’s

Posted by BB | Labels: , , , | Posted On 14 December, 2009 at Monday, December 14, 2009

I, Beloved Boyd, am a Gay Mormon Boy and everything I say here is the truth to the best of my knowledge:

This week is all about my Mother, the woman who raised me from infancy to be one of the “noble and great ones,” and how I had to tell her that I was Gay. I told her this news just a few weeks after my most recent Moleskine post took place. However, the story began long before that because growing up I had several OGT’s that should have been an indicator to my Mom that her youngest son was a bit queer.

If this were a sitcom there would be a flashback to me in my mother’s nightgown, playing with her lipstick. However that didn’t happen with me, but there were other Obviously Gay Traits that should have been picked up on. Here they are:

1. Music
a. In kindergarten I started acting and hardly stopped, granted I was the warm body of a lion in the woods for my older sister Serena’s play, but I started a life on the stage.
b. When I was 7 or 8 I insisted on being in a performance troupe that sang and danced for random shows. I was a Yankee Doodle dandy and sang everywhere (cue flashback with sequins!)
c. In 6th grade I had a lead in a Shakespeare play, if only I would have listened to the advice given and been true to myself
Kurt Hummel played by Chris Colfer, a cute boy who is obviously gay and has all the OGT's to fit.d. In 7th grade I had the lead in the musical… I also helped my mom with the costumes.
e. At one point or another I played Piano, Clarinet, and Bass Clarinet.
f. I sang in choirs all over and even had my Primary teachers have me come back and perform “We’ll Bring the World His Truth” for the Primary program after I graduated Primary… Twice.
2. Sports
a. Soccer was the worst, granted I was like 6. I couldn’t stop using my hands, largely because I didn’t have pockets on my soccer pants. Really? I spent my time on the field wondering about the lack of pockets on clothes built for a sport without hands. – I still don’t know why they don’t have pockets BTW.
b. Baseball was hardly better, the only thing I could do was stand out in right field and wonder what type of snow cone I wanted, except the one time I caught a pop fly and one the game (true story)
c. Basketball. A game all about using your hands and guess what? The shorts all had pockets? WTH is up with that? I was better at the sport because I could steal, I couldn’t shoot though. My accuracy is so bad I couldn’t hit the broadside of a barn with a cannon.
d. Football was better, but I was angry by then so it worked. I still sucked!

These are just some of my characteristics that my mother saw but didn’t really noticed, tomorrow we will see the OGT that she had to confront.

Saturday Delight - Ryan Phillippe

Posted by BB | Labels: | Posted On 12 December, 2009 at Saturday, December 12, 2009

So in addition to my weekly series that documents my journey from a year ago, I am adding a weekly Saturday post entitled Saturday Delight. Following a similar patter to GMB over at The Wanderings and Delusions of a Gay Mormon Boy, to whom I owe a lot of inspiration, including this blog. He posted his Man Harem and Flame Dames, a list of guys that are irresistible. Now while most of this blog is for my records and posterity, Saturday Delights are not, except to taek a look at 30 years from now and say, "look son, I liked this man-child, yes I am gross! :p."
Hopefully it will provide a good distraction for you.

For today's saturday delight, I am going to use one that isn't on GMB's list even though we share a lot in common.
Ryan Phillippe

Ryan Phillipe dressed up in a suit looking might sexy! I love a man that can clean up and look great in a suit.Ryan Phillipe Naked standing in the doorway. Who wouldn't want to knock and have the door be opened unto him?
When I first saw Antitrust with my family, I fell in love with this actor. When I discovered him again was after I watched the horrendous movie "Jumper." I noticed that there were a lot of similarities between the Ryan Phillippe in Antitrust and in Anakin Skywalker.It was delightful!

Moleskine Part 5 - Instruments of Peace

Posted by BB | Labels: , | Posted On 11 December, 2009 at Friday, December 11, 2009

I, Beloved Boyd, am a Gay Mormon Boy and everything I say here is the truth to the best of my knowledge:

This will be the last series post from my moleskine, but every once in a while I will write more. This post from my moleskine was written after one of my most memorable experiences with the Spirit. You see, up until this point I had yet to have any sort of testimony of God or the Church. Right before I wrote this post I had the deepest sense of home and burning in the bosom. I had finally gained a testimony and wanted to shout it from the rooftops. Here is what I wrote just a few minutes later:

Today I realized that I want to share my faith in the Church with others. The little amount of faith that I wanted has been created and fortified just a few moments ago. I want, so bad, to share this feeling of knowing, of my assured knowledge in the church with others. I want to serve a mission. I don’t care how hard it might be or how long it might take, but I want to dedicate a portion of my life to the Lord. Not because it is expected of me, or because I need to “fit in” (I could care less of their opinion). I want to share what I just felt I have gained with others. I know that I have a lot of work between here and then but I am ready and willing to stop “suppressing” myself and instead submit myself to the touch of the Master’s hand.

Lord Make me and Instrument of thy Peace, the words of Francis Assisi have motivated much of my life since Freshman year when I first heard those words in choir.
“Lord, make me an instrument of my peace.”
Those words of Francis Assisi have never meant much to me until now, and now they are precisely how I feel. I desperately desire to serve, to teach, to sing and yell from the mountaintops the knowledge that I have so that others can rejoice as I do. There have been only a few things I have wanted to do with my life, and none with such vigor as this. To share the love that I have felt from Christ with others would be a life worth living! I don’t care if it is in 1,2, 5, 10, or 40 years, I will strive to serve a full time mission while dedicating my life to the Lord.

That was how I felt a year ago. Things have changed over the year, but some have remained the same. Stay tuned in and keep reading the journey of a gay mormon boy.
-Beloved Boyd

Moleskine Part 4 – Lifestyle Design

Posted by BB | Labels: , | Posted On 10 December, 2009 at Thursday, December 10, 2009

I, Beloved Boyd, am a Gay Mormon Boy and everything I say here is the truth to the best of my knowledge:

Tim Ferriss turning the world on end with his book 'Four Hour Work Week' It is a great read. H/T
Around this time I had finished reading “The Four Hour Work Week” by Tim Ferriss. In this book he talks about challenging your preconceived notions of what the worst that could happen. If you quit your job, what is the worst that can happen? Write it out and see how you could still survive and even live without all the added stress that your situation causes you. So I followed his advice and created what he called, “lifestyle designs.” Here they are for Options 3 and 4:

Option 3 Lifestyle Design:
This is how I would feel at Church if I went with option 3, Silenced with Duct Tape for my questioning sexuality
I propose to stay in the Church, however I can not re-adopt the same lifeplan of going on a mission, getting married and having kids because I recognize that conforming to the mold in silence would cause me to erupt and destroy a family. I will not do that. The principle of “Don’t Ask Don’t Tell” can’t apply to a life in the Church. I would be adding the additional sin of hiding my sins, like Adam and Eve tried to hide their nakedness. I will let people know of my SSA when they comment on things like, “why aren’t you married?” but only after they press.
I would live a life of celibacy and solitude to the best of my ability but that should I slip up there is forgiveness if I repent and continue on my Sojourn of Solitude. I would use my time to focus on increasing earthly and eternal knowledge in an attempt to fill the void of loneliness. In return for this choice I have a shot at exaltation. My fear is that being gay isn’t biological only and that it is a part of my soul, or perhaps a part of my spirit. Then what happens at Judgment? I also fear that I will be SSA in the next life and still not be the way I need to be and so I will continue to be unhappy.

The Gay Kiss from the movie 'Kiss the Bride' a wonderful movie that hits close to home for me, particularly one scene with all the past boyfriends that remind him of his best friend and first gay kiss.Option 4 Lifestyle Design:
I propose to follow the teachings of the church, its moral code, its principles, which are a core characteristic. I will find a partner. I will follow the Church except that my companion will be another man. I wasn’t meant to be alone. I need a “helpmeet” and a woman just can’t be that for me. I would follow every teaching of the gospel and should the church ever allow it, I would marry my partner. This would show my devotion to the Church as far as my creator made me. My fear with this plan is that at Judgment I would see how my life could have been had I chosen option 3 and I will see that I had the strength to accomplish it. That would be my own personal hell.

Moleskine Part 3 – Pros and Cons

Posted by BB | Labels: , , , , , , , | Posted On 09 December, 2009 at Wednesday, December 09, 2009

The best Pros and Cons list is only ever going to leave you short changed because each pro and each con has an arbitrary value H/T XKCD.comI, Beloved Boyd, am a Gay Mormon Boy and everything I say here is the truth to the best of my knowledge:

My Methodical mind proceeded to make a Pro and Con list of each of the options. I was seriously trying to make a decision for the rest of my life using a Pro and Con sheet. Regardless of the futility of a Pros & Cons list, here is what I wrote:

Option 1:
•Acceptance in existing community
•Eternal Companionship
•Membership in the Church
•Shot at Exaltation/Celestial Glory
Option 2:
•Companionship & Love
•Member of a new community
•Completion of Life Goals
•Telestial Glory
Option 3:
•Freedom from frustration caused by remarks in Church settings
•Continue past & current life goals towards never-ending knowledge and mastery of talents and hobbies
•Exaltation/Eternal companionship
Option 4:
•Companionship& love
•Reconciliation of Moral Code, the Church and Me
•Telestial Glory
•Completion of Life goals
Option 5:
•This Space Left Intentionally Blank
Option 6
Option 1:
•Repression of my nature will lead to an eventual eruption of emotion and destruction upon my family, breaking them apart and causing irreparable harm
•Creates a companionship of necessity not love. Definitely not true love
•Sacrificing earthly happiness
•I don’t have faith in this church
Option 2:
•Rejection from existing community
•No Exaltation/Celestial Glory
•Abandonment/Rejection from family
Option 3:
•Uncertainty of Faith and Answers as to WHY?
Option 4:
•No Exaltation
Option 5:
•Suicide, etc
Option 6:

I also wrote down steps to get more knowledge before I continued, here they are:

1. Talk to other handful of Gay Mormons, Bishop and Stake President about their recommendations

2. Ask Bishop and Stake President the extent of the Law of Chastity re: homosexuality. ie, kissing (ok or a sin), Holding hands (ok or a sin). Feel this out in order to explore the possibility of a celibate partner.

3. Rank the Pros and Cons and create a plan for the Top 2

4. Present proposal plans to Bishop and Stake President

5. Tell Mohinder, Hidalgo and Nicholas because my friends need to know who I am if we are to continue to be friends. Tell them everything. Even if I choose Option 1 , they need to know everything.

6. Tell Hayden my Final Decision

7. Tell my Mother and Family everything including my final decision. No more hiding.

8. Before choosing, search through Hugh Nibley’s work for possible alternative options

9. Create projection plans for the best and worst case scenarios of the top 2 options at 5, 10, 15, 20, 25, 30, 50 years

10. Research Love.

As you readers of my Journey can see, I was kind of exhaustive in my search for what to do. Be sure, more is to come.

Moleskine Part 2 - My Options Laid Bare

Posted by BB | Labels: , , | Posted On 08 December, 2009 at Tuesday, December 08, 2009

The Schedule from Jay Gatz's youth before he became the Great Gatsby, It hold his daily regimen of working out, studying, sports and inventing as well as a daily New Years Resolution.
I, Beloved Boyd, am a Gay Mormon Boy and everything I say here is the truth to the best of my knowledge:

One thing you should know about me is this: At times, I can be quite methodical. Quite.

The following entry from my Moleskine illustrates this. I laid out each option that I had in-front of me, each option I could think of and then later weighed out the pros and cons. The Pros and Cons and more of my methodical thinking is to come, but for now the options I discovered.

Option 1:
Reject my homosexuality, Join the Church full force, get married and hope for the best.

Option 2:
Reject the Church and God. Accept my homosexuality. Complete my bucket list. Find a partner. Hope for the best

Option 3:
Come out, accept my homosexuality, But remain alone and celibate, keeping the Law of Chastity but being without an earthly companion in exchange for Exaltation, after a life of pain, remorse, regret and loneliness.

Option 4:
Come out and keep the principles of the Church, keep every commandment but change the gender of my companion, which will remove me from the church in the end and will leave me without exaltation.

Option 5:
Continue in Limbo while exploring options, leads to pain and depression. Suicide.

Option 6:
Learn about other possible options from others in my situation ie. (redacted list of names)

This was my list. The list upon which I started to view my entire life. Each choice I made I tied to the list in some way. Every time I lied I saw it as a part of each option in front of me. Each time I lied about my sexuality I felt as if it was something I might have to do for the rest of my life. Each time I lied about my full involvement with my new ward I wondered if I would soon be in a world without the church. And each day I delayed I felt more and more in Limbo, stuck on my journey.

Thankfully I got out and found my road to journey on as evidenced by this blog, but we will see how I got to where I am in tomorrows addition.

Moleskine – The Begining

Posted by BB | Labels: , | Posted On 07 December, 2009 at Monday, December 07, 2009

I, Beloved Boyd, am a Gay Mormon Boy and everything I say here is the truth to the best of my knowledge:

This was my lifeline for a while, my Molskine notebook where my thoughts as a gay mormon boy were scrawled in near illegible text
After I came out to my Dad I bought my first Moleskine notebook. I wrote a lot in there from grocery lists, book ideas, essay ideas and my pure angst at being a gay mormon boy. Because my Handwriting is imperfect and I will be unable to read it in a few years, I am recreating some posts here for this week’s series. Oh yeah, I decided to make weekly series. A single story of my journey told in five parts across the week so that those who do read this as I write it can have some form of consistency.

I wrote down a defining set of characteristics to describe who I was on the front page of my moleskin. It was an attempt to methodically approach a decision between whether I should be Gay or whether I should be Mormon and the pros and cons of each path. But to get started I defined what I knew, believed, & was, what I wanted to know, wanted to believe & wanted to be. Here is that list:

What I Know:
• My intellect is my most powerful tool
• And my greatest weakness

What I Believe:
• There is no end to learning
• There is a Supreme Being, but who is HE? And WHY did he create us?

What I Am:
• Mormon
• Gay
• A Confidence Man – I manipulate people to get them to do what I want

What I Want to Know:
• Why, and to what extent does me being gay help my spirit in the next life?
• What lesson can be learned this way that no other way could teach me?
• If the Church is True
• Love. And to truly love someone else.

What I Want to Believe:
• In life after death
• In the honesty of other people and not find fault in them

What I Want to Be:
• Comfortable with myself, in being myself around others
• Able to share who I am and what I believe with others
• Use my manipulative confidences techniques to help others rather than harm them
• Happy

End of Part 1.

A Month of Firsts Part 5 - My First Family Member

Posted by BB | Labels: , , | Posted On 04 December, 2009 at Friday, December 04, 2009

I, Beloved Boyd, am a Gay Mormon Boy and everything I say here is the truth to the best of my knowledge:

As I said yesterday, I was visibly depressed. My siblings couldn’t tell at my sisters birthday dinner, but my dad knew what was going on. He could see that I was wearing a mask. To give you a little bit of background, my Dad and I were not on the best of terms and hadn’t ever since he and my Mom split up. He had always been distant and still to this day I despise his form of parenting and vow to not use it with my children. He has an extreme hands-off style of raising a family.

I imagine it went something like this in his head: “If there is a problem, the children know where to find me, if it is big enough I will step in.” I struggle to think of times when I consulted with him and had his attention when I wasn’t in trouble. Sure he would be there at campouts, but he was distant. Sure he coached my little league basketball team, but he didn’t spend time with me.

John McCain as a Zombie asking for Brains! pretty much how I felt that day, I was a Zombie.
He took this same approach when he recognized that I was miserable. I barely talked to anyone, I stared off into the distance, I spoke with little emotion and to all appearances it wouldn’t have been that strange for me to have started a zombie chant for “Braaaiiiins!” He knew what was up and only at the end of a long weekend together before he flew back home from Seattle did he begin to broach the subject of my disheartened state.

On the drive home in the rain he told me that he had noticed something strange about me; that I looked down. I sarcastically replied “Ya Think.” He then proceeded to let me know that it was okay that I didn’t serve a mission, that I was still the same in his eyes and that I could leave the church, become a murderer, grow a third arm and I would still be his son whom he loved. I replied saying “Even if I am Gay?” he reassured me of his love and from that point on we talked about everything that had happened in the past few years. I had told both parents different things and so now he was getting the full truth.
Leaping from tree to tree the mighty lumberjack sings as he cuts down trees, wears high heals, suspenders and a bra. Not who I was last year at all!
I told him why I wasn’t at BYU, why I wasn’t on my mission, my rough number of guys up to that point and assuaged his fears that I didn’t put on women’s clothing and hang around in bars, I didn’t wear high heals, suspenders or a bra. I told him that my personal moral code is and would be largely in line with the Church regardless of anything else. He was the first parent and first family member I came out to and things went well, I began to feel again.

The End

A Month of Firsts Part 4 – My First Desire

Posted by BB | Labels: , , , | Posted On 02 December, 2009 at Wednesday, December 02, 2009

I, Beloved Boyd, am a Gay Mormon Boy and everything I say here is the truth to the best of my knowledge:

The quiet desperation that we are paying for as Gay Mormons illustrated as a cartoon, If only the Journey of a Gay Mormon Boy were that simple!
In this first month, I went on a date with Hayden, went clubbing, met Darryl, went on dates with Darryl, and …
All this led me to reevaluate my life, my perspective on homosexuality and on the church. I began to look at each reference to gays, every allusion to them in scriptures, in ensign articles, and eventually found “In Quiet Desperation” and Northstar. I ordered IQD and read it inside of a day or two. In reading all this material and re-reading the Book of Mormon, I was faced with a terrible thought. What if I was like Laman and Lemuel, unable to see the truth that stood in front of them and smote them down? What if I was past feeling?

I got to this point in my journey at a critical juncture. The thought had been lurking in my mind and I had even written it down a few days before the impact of it hit me. I kept reading passages that made me think that the atonement had a limit and I was beyond it because of my choices, including Darryl. The full brunt of the breakthrough hit me on the way to my sister Serena’s birthday dinner.

I was on the bus when I realized that it had to be true, that I was actually past feeling and beyond the aid of my Savior. When I felt that I lost my will to live. I stepped off the bus and wanted to run out into the street so I could die rather than be pulled away from my Lord. I remember reading that Stuart Matis’ mom was glad that her son had died before he had broken any covenants and wondering how damned I was for having broken them. I knew that I shouldn’t kill myself and so I clenched my spiral notebook until it dug into my hands. I can honestly empathize with why people cut themselves after that experience because all I wanted was to feel something, anything, as proof that I could still feel.

This was the Notebook that saved my life. Its metal spirals cut into my hand and made me feel alive when I thought I was past feeling as a Gay Mormon Boy
That spiral-bound notebook saved my life. It allowed me to gather my thoughts enough to realize that killing myself of Serena’s birthday would traumatize her even more than just killing myself on a normal day. That thought got me to the restaurant and through dinner wearing my typical closeted mask of happiness while planning what I would do now that I was past feeling. It made me visibly depressed and that depression caught the eye of my father.

End Part 4