A Month of Firsts Part 3 – The First Night

Posted by BB | Labels: , | Posted On 30 November, 2009 at Monday, November 30, 2009

I, Beloved Boyd, am a Gay Mormon Boy and everything I say here is the truth to the best of my knowledge:

In order to keep hanging out with Hayden, I kept going to the club. Every Friday night we would go and I would try to dance with him exclusively and I would be pushed away to dance near him rather than with him. One night after being pushed away one-too-many times I decided that I should dance with someone else. I looked around and saw one guy glancing at me so I walked up to him and said, “My name is Boyd. Want to dance?” He agreed and introduced himself as Darryl. We danced that night and it amazed him in that I would ask to dance instead of just grinding up on him. And Boy did I dance with Darryl. We had a fun time, kissed briefly on the dance floor and exchanged numbers.

Latter Days Gay Boys Christian and Aaron after their first night, looking rather intimate as they swap stories of their childhood.A few days later we got together for a date and went to a nice restaurant and walked down by the waterfront holding hands as we stared into the water. We kissed good night and it was good. Not perfect because it wasn’t Hayden, but it was good regardless. We spent a couple more dates just hanging out and watching movies and I suggested we watch Latter Days so that he, a non-Mormon, could understand me a bit better. After watching that show, especially the aversion therapy section, Darryl asked me if I ever that really happens. I told him yes and that I had been thinking about doing it. He held me tightly and we embraced.

Mama Mia! girls reading the Mother's diary filled with hersexual explorations one summer ...
We finished the rest of the movie and I stayed the night with him. That was the first night. The very first night I slept over with someone I was dating. I had spent time recovering from my promiscuous ways and there, under the covers, I gave it all up. Not because I felt the raw need of lust that had once consumed me, but because I had someone who cared about me. Darryl cared about my pain, my struggle and my emotions and I shared in that caring for him. That night I became vulnerable and wasn’t betrayed but was accepted. That night was my first night. The night that Darryl and I …

End of Part 3

A Month of Firsts Part 2 – The First Club

Posted by BB | Labels: , , | Posted On 28 November, 2009 at Saturday, November 28, 2009

I, Beloved Boyd, am a Gay Mormon Boy and everything I say here is the truth to the best of my knowledge:

Kinky Boots for drag queens made from suede leather, NOT HOT
After Hayden made it clear that we were to be just friends and I begun to plan ways of changing my status, we began to spend more time together as friends. And as friends Hayden needed to introduce me to the gay man’s staple activity, the gay club. At first, Hayden wanted me to start drinking with him, but I have never had a desire to drink. Drinking seemed to me a way to dull the pain, to change who you were and I didn’t want to change and even though there was pain, the sharpness of it brought clarity of mind. Hayden had a much more liberal stance of alcohol and loved his vodka.

Failing getting me to start drinking, Hayden knew I needed to take a visit to the club and I agreed. I had seen Queer as Folk and knew that clubs and bars were some of the focal points of gay culture. We went to one of the top clubs in Seattle and for some reason we went early. We got there about halfway through the drag-show and as I stood looking on, I grew disturbed by my atmosphere.

I began to wonder why men who like men, liked men to dress as women. Perhaps it started as a way for a man to kiss his lover in public without others knowing and grew out from there. Iregardless of why drag exists, I didn’t like it and so I went upstairs where I was confronted with go-go dancers. I tried to dance on a near empty dance floor with Hayden, but with the dancers there I felt the need to sit down and sing a hymn. That was how out of place I felt at the beginning of the night.

Queer as Folk (QAF) Club Babylon with Justin and Brian
The one thing that got me through it all was that I was there with Hayden, the guy I was in love with. I knew that he went dancing with his friends and that a club is where he met Neil. I thought that if I could get him involved with someone else besides Neil, that he would see how great I was and after casting the extra aside, be with me. So I stayed the night, danced around a lot and hung out with Hayden. That was the start of my clubbing experience and how I came to be involved with my next “first.”

End of Part 2

A Month of "Firsts" - The First Date

Posted by BB | Labels: , , | Posted On 27 November, 2009 at Friday, November 27, 2009

I, Beloved Boyd, am a Gay Mormon Boy and everything I say here is the truth to the best of my knowledge:

After coming out to Hayden I had a solid month of first experiences. A world was opened up to me and I looked at it from a view I had never before seen. I felt like Alice, who had fallen through the rabbit hole or peered into the looking glass only to discover that the world I was living in was rather queer.

The first if these was my first date. I had been on dates with girls before, but this was the first real date. You see before I was officially moved to the friend zone, before I was told about Neil and Hayden's deep feelings for him, I had the opportunity to go out on a date with Hayden. We had hung out with others before, grabbing dinner and a show, but each time I tried to go on a date with him it felt like I was being blocked by a third wheel. I should have noticed that I was being pushed into the friend zone but I was, by winged cupid's arrow, struck blind.

When I finally got Hayden to agree to go out with me on an official date, I was so excited. I spent hours trying to pick out clothes and probably ended up looking like some random preppy from high school. I tried to pick a good restaurant and ended up going to California Pizza Kitchen even though here were great places around us. I picked CPK because I knew that Hayden’s favorite food was pizza, plain old cheese pizza.

We sat down and had a good dinner and talked and then went and watched “Nick and Norah’s Infinite Playlist.” A cheesy date movie to be sure, but a lovely one at that. I sat there, hand nervously wanting for him to reach out and take my hand. I wanted so bed to hold his hand.

Two guys holding hands on their first date
Then during a critical part of the movie, one of the characters says that the big picture is “The Beatles had it all figured out, I want to hold your hand! It isn’t about sex or pain. That’s what everybody wants, not a 24-hour hump session, to be married to you for 100 years, they just want to hold your hand” Then I realized that because this was a gay date I could reach out for his hand, I didn’t have to wait for him, and so I reached out and held his hand. And then in the dark theatre our fingers entwined and I forgot all about the outside world. It was wonderful and it was bliss.

When we got back to the apartment I was flying high, Hayden wasn't. He sat me down and told me that we could be friends but that was it. His heart belonged to Neil and there wasn't anything I could do about it. But God knows I kept trying.

End of Part 1

Coming Out Part 5 - The Start of Something New

Posted by BB | Labels: , , | Posted On 25 November, 2009 at Wednesday, November 25, 2009

I, Beloved Boyd, am a Gay Mormon Boy and everything I say here is the truth to the best of my knowledge:

Where was I? Oh yes. Hayden was holding me, comforting me while I was shaking and convulsing and I leaned in for a kiss. He consented and we kissed briefly… and then deeper. I pulled him into a corner and started to make-out with him. He was the first guy that I had told and he had accepted me and it felt wonderful. I wanted to give myself over to him right then. We starred to mess around a little bit more that night outside. I was in heaven. This acceptance from someone for being gay was beautiful, Hayden was beautiful, and life seemed to change out of shades of gray and mediocrity and into vibrant colors and beauty. My life had a pulse again. I had purpose to live rather than a desire to merely survive. As I touched and held his hand my soul began to feel that this was right, that this is where I needed to be. That right here in this moment I was beginning to experience where I needed to be.

I had been thrown into the friend zone and like this photo, thought it was better than nothing.
After that night Hayden explained to me all about Neil. He explained how he felt that Neil was his soulmate and how he planned to get back with Neil once we got back home. I sat there in astonishment as the boy who I thought was my soulmate, told me that I wasn't what he wanted. I remember him telling me that "you're attractive, but not to me" and "you just aren't my type."
What I realize now but didn't then is that, due to a bad break-up, Hayden had relegated me to the friend zone. I remember thinking to myself. "I can change his view of me. If I can satisfy his physical needs perhaps he will take care of my emotional needs."
I even got to a point where I was helping him get back together with Neil just so he would see how wrong Neil was and how right I was. This was how my relationship with Hayden started, but the ending is not the one you would expect. Don't worry; you will hear it just not right now. Right now the story of me coming out to myself and someone else is over. Now is the time for a new journey to begin.

Coming Out Part 4 - Hayden

Posted by BB | Labels: , , | Posted On 24 November, 2009 at Tuesday, November 24, 2009

I, Beloved Boyd, am a Gay Mormon Boy and everything I say here is the truth to the best of my knowledge:

While is the journey of me, Beloved Boyd, it would be incomplete without Hayden and so here is his back-story the best I know.

Hayden had been raised in Utah County. His family was highly devout Mormons, his father was in the upper echelons of local church leadership, his brother had served a mission and gone to BYU.

Hayden had chosen to go to somewhere else instead and hadn't served a mission. At school he had begun to come out to his friends and started dating, leaving most of his Mormonism behind him. After about a year, Hayden had found some great friends, he was accepted and was strong and proud. One night at the club he met Neil and they hit it off. Hayden and Neil started dating and were together for about 6 months before the internship at which time Neil broke things off with Hayden.

What I can only Imagine Hayden Felt like after his gay boyfriend broke up with him.
Hayden didn't take things so well. This was mostly because he thought that Neil was "the one." So Hayden had left for the internship hoping to come back to Neil and live with him, but he quickly discovered the Neil didn’t want that and so Hayden was down and depressed. As a recently broken-hearted man, he looked for his ex every guy he met and held those guys up to the impossible expectations that were Hayden’s fantasies of Neil.

End of Part 4

Coming Out Part 3 - Acceptance

Posted by BB | Labels: , , | Posted On 23 November, 2009 at Monday, November 23, 2009

I, Beloved Boyd, am a Gay Mormon Boy and everything I say here is the truth to the best of my knowledge:
Text from Last Night describing that Hayden would be surprised at my type of club
"You'd be surprised at my type of club."

Those words stood frozen on my phone in a message to Hayden that night. For 45 minutes my thumb hovered over the send key. I finally sent the message and cowered in fear and exhilaration at the domino I had just tipped. My breath was uneasy. My pulse erratic. My breath bated. I was nervous as I waited for his response of "oh really? What do you mean?"
I responded with “I think it is my type of club”
I would like to say I remember the rest of our texting conversation, but that wouldn't be true. We texted for about 30 minutes and then danced around multiple topics. We finally decided to set a time to talk a couple of days later, and after we had set a time to talk, Hayden asked me, "just to make sure we are on the same page, what type of clubs do you like?"
I tried to circumvent the question but Hayden wouldn't have any of it, finally I asked, "you're going to make me say it aren't you?"
His reply, "yep!"
After a couple minutes hesitation, I responded, "Hayden, I am gay."
That was the first time that I ever wrote down who I was and what I felt.

Latter Days First Gay Kiss, Hayden felt like the be all end all for me that night because he accepted me
A couple of nights later we went outside, sat down and talked for about 3 hours. We told each other our stories and as I vocalized mine for the first time, I was shaking. Literally I was convulsing and my body was shuddering as if the burden of my secret had been a weight that I needed to share. I needed a friend to talk to or else I would have collapsed. After I told Hayden everything I must have looked like the crappiest 13 yr old on his first date. I was looking around and staring at Hayden's confidence, his eyes and his utter acceptance of who I was and yet I was still shuddering. At one point my convulsions were so much that we held me and that connection stilled my heart. I, who prided myself on staying sharp and aware, had melted into soup. I turned my head and leaned in to kiss him. And from that point on, my life wasn't ever the same again. That night I had been changed. Hayden had entered the picture and he flipped my life upside-down.

End of part 3

Coming Out Part 2 - A Home Run

Posted by BB | Labels: , , | Posted On 22 November, 2009 at Sunday, November 22, 2009

I, Beloved Boyd, am a Gay Mormon Boy and everything I say here is the truth to the best of my knowledge:

Manny Ramirez of the LA Dodgers. This is the guy we heckled from the Stadium
Hayden just stood there and I swear I could hear my heart beat in my eardrums. I seemed to be drawn towards him and felt physically being pulled in his direction. I spent the next 15 minutes with my latent gaydar going off the charts. I was hanging on every word he said in those 10 minutes before everyone began to go bar crawling.

I had already opted to stay behind because I didn’t want to get pulled into the club and bar scene my first night in Seattle and first few days away from home. So that night I stayed behind and asked other people timidly about Hayden’s sexuality and tried to elicit any and all information about him. People had guesses and thought he might be gay, and were okay with it (that blew my mind) but no one knew if he was or not.

I spent that evening getting to know the non-bar crawl crew and surprisingly, I began to feel right at home within the social construct that was forming. About a week went by and still closeted me kept getting into situations with Hayden.

We had a chance to get tickets to see a baseball game against the Dodgers. I spent most of the night wondering if this boy was gay or straight because he was so into sports. That night was my first Baseball game since I was about 9, we heckled Manny Ramirez, I got my first stadium hot dog, and I had my first taste of alcohol when someone passed around a margarita and I tried a miniscule sip, I was unimpressed.

I was determined to talk with Hayden more and so made sure that we got on the bus together. A few people started talking and making plans for the next week and I heard Hayden speaking with one of the girls about a club that he might go to next weekend. Knowing that he was alluding to a gay club gave me an erratic heartbeat again. Shortly before our stop, I got the nerve to ask,
"Hey we should all go to the club next weekend, I love dancing"
"Um, I don't think it is your type of club,” said Hayden
I knew right then that I wanted to go with him. The electricity tingled my body and made me want to scream on the bus but I waited until we got back to the apartments. That is when I made my move.

End of Part 2

Coming Out - The Long and Winding Road

Posted by BB | Labels: , , | Posted On 21 November, 2009 at Saturday, November 21, 2009

I, Beloved Boyd, am a Gay Mormon Boy and everything I say here is the truth to the best of my knowledge:

After spending a year in rehab and getting and staying clean and controlling my physical urges, I had the opportunity to travel to Seattle for an internship. This would help me on my career and my school had the perfect program for it with a set of apartments all ready for us. I must admit that one of the reasons I looked forward to this internship was my ability to get out of my parents house and on my own in a city with lots of clubs, little pressure to go to church and room to see what would happen and if I could maintain control over my physical desires. It was sort of like getting out on the road after getting my drivers license, sure I could do it, but would I get into a wreck?
Armani Exchange T-shirt worn by a wet male model
At this point I had had a couple of experiences where I wondered if I might be gay, and once where I almost accepted that fact before quickly repressing it, but still I was in the closet. I was hiding from the world, from my family and from myself still at this time even though I was no virgin to the gay world.

I flew into Seattle and spent a few days with a friend from school. She and I talked and I felt a disconnect growing, and yet an intense spiritual connection to the spirit those few days. About a week later I moved into my apartment and was the first one of my apartment, but not the whole program to move in. I hadn't met any of my roommates or anyone else on the program yet because I missed orientation. I knew that I had to make friends here and so an idea hit me and I made some peanut butter bars (my specialty) and delivered them to each room.

Just after I left the first room, I overheard someone ask his roommate if I was a fairy because of the treats and I was kind of appalled that such a thing would be thought of me just because I could bake. At another room I met some great girls and was hanging out there until some other people came down to gather people to go clubbing and bar hopping. I opted out of that one and was proud of my triumph over physical temptation. We were talking for a while and then one guy I hadn't really noticed spoke kind of loudly and said "I can't believe the mall doesn't have an Armani Exchange" with a slightly exaggerated lisp. when I heard his voice and I looked up and my heart nearly stopped. That was the night that I met Hayden.

End of Part 1

Prologue - Setting the Stage

Posted by BB | Labels: , | Posted On 20 November, 2009 at Friday, November 20, 2009

I, Beloved Boyd, am a Gay Mormon Boy and everything I say here is the truth to the best of my knowledge:

As I said before I was never really good at writing in my journal. One of the reasons that I see now as to why, is that I didn't want my deepest secret to be known. Subconsciencely I knew that I was different at age 7 but I didn't ever have a label for it. We moved around a lot and so I always chalked up my differnces to the fact that I was the perpetual new kid. When I was a 6th grader my neighbor (a freshman at the time) was bullied because people thought he was gay. That is one of the first times I can remember hearing the word gay. I remember thinking that it was not nice to call this kid that name. After that incident I started to pay more attention to him and I didn't know why.

Google Search for 'Free Porn Men'Flash forward about two years and I discovered porn. I don't remember why I searched for it, but I think I typed "naked people" into my search engine. I realized I had to pay so I then typed in "free porn men" and found my own heroin. For about 5 months I never masturbated to it, I just watched: it wasn't until after my older brother Cody tried to give me "the talk" I'm place of my dad that I started to beat off to the porn.

Then one day my mom found the Internet search history and knew that I had been watching gay porn. She sent me to the bishop where I didn't tell him everything. That was the beginning of a long cycle of visits to multiple bishops (as we moved) where I always held something back. Eventually I told my bishop everything that I had done in the previous 5 years because I felt truly sorrowful for my actions and I wanted to change. I spent a year in personal rehab growing stronger in my resistance to temptation and pornography. I did a very good job at recovering, especially after spending so much time in sin.

Even at this time I had never let the true light of who I was shine thru. Each time I told my bishop that I looked at gay porn they told me that it was okay, they didn't seem phased by the fact that it was gay porn. They just lumped me in with the rest of the guys in the bishop's office and called it good. That gives you a little background to how and when I came out of the closet and my real journey began. so now we can get started.
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Who am I? Why am I here?

Posted by BB | Labels: | Posted On 19 November, 2009 at Thursday, November 19, 2009

On my dresser is the journal I got just after baptism. It still has a Polaroid of my Dad and I (age 8) under a picture of Christ's Baptism and a personal inscription by my old Bishop in the front cover. It has the start of a family tree written by my sister and if you look carefully you can see that the first set of about 10 pages have been torn out. I have only written in it sporadically and when I turned 15 and had only completed about 10 pages I felt ashamed that if my posterity saw how infrequently I had written that I would be mocked at. So instead of writing more, I destroyed a part of my life's history.
Since then I have written about 50 pages and still feel dissatisfied. I have blogged before, but have deleted the posts later on for the shame that I felt in the views that they told about who, and what, I was. So now I have started this blog. My journal that will start a little over a year ago and chronicle my personal journey as a Gay Mormon coming out of the closet. Every detail I tell will be truthful and will represent the journey that I have been on. For now I will stay anonymous but that may change. You can call me Beloved Boyd - BB for short - and this blog is the Journey of a Gay Mormon Boy