Something Bad - Part 5

Posted by BB | | Posted On 16 July, 2010 at Friday, July 16, 2010

I, Beloved Boyd, am a Gay Mormon Boy and everything I say here is the truth to the best of my knowledge:

After talking to Mohinder about my realizations I knew I had to talk about my transformation.
In early October, after coming out to my dad, I was trying to discover if God existed and I was hit with this immense and intense feeling of burning within my soul, In that instant I knew that God existed, that He loved me, that the Savior loved me and suffered for my sins, my pains, my afflictions, my sorrows, and my joys in the Garden. I felt so happy and warm inside for the next few hours, I wanted so bad to shout for joy, to share that feeling with others, it was amazing and miraculous.

Then, having this immense belief in God and Christ I became even more conflicted with my life, and my future and trying to reconcile these two core parts of myself that I one would have to be destroyed in order for me to continue in life. Trying to make a decision was gut wrenching. Each side I looked at seemed so right and true to me. How could I be expected to make a decision like this? I ended up talking myself into a know and I felt that either way I chose would devastate my life, that each way I choose would kill a part of who I was. I was feeling so torn as you saw in my emails to you and I got myself to the point where I decided that I could not choose between to parts of me, I would let the Lord do that once I left this earth and because the decision couldn’t just be left alone, I resolved to get myself off this earth.
I then told him more of my attempted suicide and from there moved onto catching him up with the next series of events. I told him about my frustration leading me to seek a meeting with Elder Christiansen,
Before the meeting I went to the temple and while I was there I had the exact same intensity and immensity of warmth and burning of the spirit that I had had before except this feeling told me that I needed to find a husband and adopt children. So that others could come to know the truth of the gospel rather than languish in unbelief.

I was prepared to go into my meeting with Elder Christensen and bible bash scriptures to try to find a resolution to homosexuality in the church. You know me, I was ready to go in and push my way through and find a solution that worked. Instead, I went into the meeting and asked him what should I do when the Spirit told me one thing that the Church told me to do the opposite

He told me that the Lord would never give me a spirit that went against the words of the Brethren. That the members of the church will not be given promptings to correct the Brethren. That any feelings that I had that were contrary to the Church originate from Satan. He also told me that Satan does have the power to trick us into feeling the same spirit that the Lord sends.
I then told Mohinder about my existential crisis and the steps that pulled me closer to God rather than into Atheism. I then offered him my worldview on Christ
The Lord will give counsel the differs from the teachings of the Church because we each have a different mission to fulfill and until the church is perfected in Christ during His millennial reign, He will lead us to do what is right for ourselves and others. We are but one strand in the great tapestry, we do not know how we fit in but the LORD does for HE can see the big picture.

So this is where I am at so far in my life, this is what is going on. This is my big secret. My goal is to truly learn His will for me and to follow it. I seek to humble myself, to open my mind and soften my heart so that I can learn the mysteries of God as it states in Alma 12:10. I will do it. I will dedicate my life to finding and following the Lord, to following God and whatever he has for me in my life.
And with that it was done, I sent Mohinder the letter via air mail and by email and I waited for the response.

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