Something Bad - Part 4

Posted by BB | | Posted On 15 July, 2010 at Thursday, July 15, 2010

I, Beloved Boyd, am a Gay Mormon Boy and everything I say here is the truth to the best of my knowledge:

When I finally regained my composure enough to pick up the letter again I came up with these passages that I want to share with you.
When I was at BYU I knew that I wanted to be someone else, someone other than the awkward, antisocial and introversive Boyd. I thought that me being all these things was just who I was and I could fix them by trying hard to don a mask. During that first year at BYU I fell into some pretty illicit stuff that I tried to deny and justify away.
Looking back I find it interesting and striking that I was so critical of my personality whereas now, since I have come out, I have begun to grow into the mask that I wore to hide myself from the world.
I then proceeded to drop yet another shoe. Just for context, Mohinder’s response to me was pure elation because he thought I had put in my papers and would be serving at the same time as he.
When I came down and told you that I had some news for you, your immediate response about me going on a mission still brings tears to my eyes because I knew that I would most likely not be able to go until you probably got back if at all. I want you to know that looking back at things now I did have a crush on you, I admired you and your faith and wanted to be near that, to have it, and to be with you, but this crush had no impact on my decision to help you on your mission and I no longer have such a crush on you, our bond is that of friendship and brotherhood. I truly desire goodness in your life and if I could help in some small way then perhaps I would be blessed and helped.
Because I am being completely honest here Mohinder is precisely the type of guy I would pursue so I guess I still do have a crush on Mohinder if only as a lingering impression in a mold that no other guys have yet to live up to.
Mohinder, You are like a brother to me and when you went to the MTC and I saw you enter into the field, I admit I was jealous, but also so proud of you. Your farewell address touched me and I knew that you were a spiritual giant, that you had a far better relationship with Christ and the spirit than I did. I sincerely wished you the best.

The day after you left for Southeast Asia, I left for Seattle and while on the plane I took a look at my life and realized that in the past year I had been able to control my behavior, but that I had not yet really felt the warmth of the spirit. I started to ask myself why and I realized the answer. I am gay. In those first few days in Seattle I finally realized why I had been so different from everybody else, it finally made sense to me.


There are 0 Words of Warning for Something Bad - Part 4