A Sentimental Man - Part 4

Posted by BB | | Posted On 22 July, 2010 at Thursday, July 22, 2010

I, Beloved Boyd, am a Gay Mormon Boy and everything I say here is the truth to the best of my knowledge:

After that letter Mohinder and I had little contact. I wrote him a couple of times and still got his letters but it wasn't until this last Christmas that I sent him a major update. I sent him a Christmas letter that detailed, month-by month what my life had entailed. Half of it was inspired by this blog and details some stuff I will be covering in the future... maybe. But here it is:

Dear Mohinder,

It has been an eventful year for me. Probably one I will never forget. I have had my fair share of ups and downs, but through it all I have always had people in my life to help me along. This year a lot has happened so lets start at the beginning.

Christmas 2008: I had recently come out as gay to my family and was beginning to tell a few close friends. I was returning from Seattle where I had been on an internship. I was about to start a full semester at the University of Utah. I was 19 years old and I was scared. I didn’t know what lay in store for me; what I should do with my life; whether I should work towards a celibate life or look for a partner, a husband.
The Christmas season was not good for me at all because I feared being alone for the rest of my life. I watched the movie “Love Actually” and the closing song is “All I Want for Christmas is You.” As I watched the movie and listened to the song and saw how everyone found someone special in the end I got frustrated and emotional and angry and felt the agonizing emptiness of being alone creeping into my life. It was a charged season, but my Mother held me and showed me she loved me. 

January 2009: In January I researched as much as I could. I visited the temple to do baptisms for the dead and gain a better understanding of where my Heavenly Father wanted me to go. I studied bible chapters in Hebrew and Greek looking for the truth hidden by translation and interpretation and the years that separated the Lord’s words and I
This month was also when I met Joseph. He was the first guy I really dated and the first time that I felt like I wouldn’t be alone in the world. Joseph also introduced me to Scott and Sarah, a wonderful couple who have opened up their doors, and more importantly, their hearts to other members of the church who are gay. Their warmth and willingness to listen helped sustain me throughout this year.

February: In February I was still struggling with figuring out what I should listen to; The spirit that told me I should prepare to find a husband, or the words of inspired men that told me I was less than, that I was in a lifelong trial. Because of this struggle I decided the break things off with Joseph so he wouldn’t have to see and go through my depression.
This month I also met Alan [Rob]. A lawyer from San Diego who helped me refine my writing for my Internship paper. His editing helped me organize my paper and my way of writing in general and that has helped me immensely.
This month was also when Mom surprised me by telling me that she wanted to meet Joseph. That she was willing to sit down and have dinner with the guy I was dating was so encouraging. It was a tactile demonstration of her love for me that I will never forget.

March: March is when I took a big step and told the majority of my friends that I was gay. I came out through Facebook and the comments of support and love were precisely what I needed. It was a big step, but I decided that for the longest time I felt like I was alone and so if I could help someone else realize that there were others like them that I just might save a life. So I opened myself up to questions and began to share my story with others and it has been worth it.

April: This month I spent locked away studying for finals and writing 97 pages for my classes. This was when I discovered that I could write about many topics from different perspectives and to not fear voicing my thoughts and opinions on paper. Alan’s help on my previous paper laid the groundwork for a successful semester.

May: I started off this month with graduation. I had finished my schooling, received my Bachelor’s degree and was ready to find a job. Unfortunately so were tens of thousands of people across the country. I built my resume and applied to every job I could find online. I was beginning to get tired of searching when I decided to work for a local political campaign

June: I spent June working for the campaign. I continued to apply for jobs and was always refining and redoing my resume and cover letter.
During this month, many of my high school friends and acquaintances found me and came out to me. They told me their stories and I tried to help them as best as I could. It is a tough struggle and I was glad that I could connect with many people and aid where I could.
Towards the end of the month I discovered that a conference that I had wanted to go to was being offered at a cheap price to students. I did the math and figured out that it was worth the flight if I could get the lower costs covered. So I talked to the campaign and convinced them to pay for my admission. This conference held the very people that I had spent the past 2 years studying and it was a great experience.

July: After the conference in NYC, I spent a week on the hunt for a job. I was blessed to have several people open their homes to me. I can honestly say that the city tried to get me down, but I got up again. This job hunt literally took my sweat, tears and blood.

August: I finally started to get phone interviews and one particular day I had 2 phone interviews. One of them was for a temporary position with the potential of staying on longer. I aced the phone interview and 5 days later was on a flight out to interview with the company. The 2 interviews I had went very well and the added support I had from my boss at my Seattle internship helped put me over the edge and secure me the job I had been so desperately searching for.

September: I had landed the job and was set to move in 2 weeks time. It took a while to say goodbye to everyone and it was hard. I had my family to say farewell to, recent Returned Missionaries, and all of the great people I had met through school, church, and since coming out that I had to leave behind in Salt Lake. Some friends that were hardest to leave were the ones I had just met who I wanted to get to know better. But hardest of all to leave was my mother because I am such a momma’s boy.
Mom, you still can reduce me to tears of joy when I recall how you hugged me a few days before I left and told me that you were proud of me. Proud of me, not just for landing a job but for how far I had come in the past year. I love you mom and want you to know that.
This was also the month that I started the job. I met my co-workers who think that it is amazing that I am 20 and so ahead of the curve. I discovered that my job is a lot more technology based than I thought, but it has been a great discovery.

October: I moved into my room in the city. After 2 exhaustive weeks of searching I settled for a good place that was close to work. It turns out that I made a bad choice as I discovered towards the end of the month. As it turns out, the house I am living at is where my landlord’s friends come to get stoned before they head out to the bars. So I discovered marijuana smoke coming from the basement and began my search for a new apartment with much better roommates.
I also discovered the TV show Glee and met some friends from the ward who get together to watch it. This was the start of my real integration into the ward.

November: I started off November discovering that my roommates also don't grasp the concept of personal space, particularly when they are drunk. I came home from a party late one night to discover that they had let their friend pass out in my room where his beer bottles also were. I doubled my efforts to search for a new apartment.
I found a great apartment with good roommates, all and all it was perfect. I was about ready to take it when someone mentioned that it was about 100 yards outside of stake boundaries. This meant that I had to keep searching. This happened just 2 days after my 1-year anniversary of my brush with death. They say that anniversaries of certain events can trigger depression and suicide and I had sought to avoid getting hit with this. It was depressing and frustrating, but then I realized how happy I was this year compared to last and I snapped out of it.

December: This month at work, one of my clients told my boss how much she appreciated my hard work. It lifted my spirits and helped me to realize that I have been doing a good job at work these past few months. It made me realize that I like doing what I am doing and might continue with the technology side in the future.
I was able to find a new apartment and should move in mid January. Tomorrow I fly back to Salt Lake, Christmas really begins and I will be with my family. That is pretty much my year.
As I look back and see how far my life has come I realize how far I have come this year. I started out angry, depressed and lost. Over the course of the year I have become happy, stable, peaceful and found. It is a wonderful feeling and I couldn’t have done it without you in my life so, thank you.


PS. I know I haven’t written you, but you needed an update, specifically on the past few months. You have helped shape me over the course of my life and so I wish you a Joyous and Happy Christmas.


There are 0 Words of Warning for A Sentimental Man - Part 4