For Good - Part 5

Posted by BB | Labels: , , , , | Posted On 02 April, 2010 at Friday, April 02, 2010

I, Beloved Boyd, am a Gay Mormon Boy and everything I say here is the truth to the best of my knowledge:

Here is where keeping a journal would have come in handy. I have GChat’s to help piece everything together but when you get emotional details fade. This is my best attempt to piece everything together.

A few days before Valentine’s Day I started to get over-analytical about my life. It got to the point that Scott counseled me with the following advice:
”Boyd, it's normal to have doubts. …Every situation and every circumstance can be hyperanalyzed and examined and with enough effort it's possible to find potential problems with even the most inspired and holy decisions. You could literally spend your entire life agonizing over whether or not you really received a prompting from God to find a husband and raise a family. You could debate the facts with yourself for years, and the longer you belabor the issue the more time you'll have to come up with arguments both for and against. But logic and reasoning are not the best tools by which to judge a spiritual experience, and while it's good to use the knowledge and intellect that God blessed you with there comes a point when you need to let go of what you know and rely instead on what you feel.
At some point throughout this I went over to my Dad’s. I think it was with Joseph but I can’t remember. My dad’s address has been my permanent address and so any mail I got went there. While there I got a letter from Mohinder, my friend from BYU. He was on his mission and had mailed me a letter from the far east. In the letter he told me that
”I’m not sure what is going on with you and what I can do to help. I wish I understood more, but I simply don't. I’m sorry.”
My friend could tell by the tone of my letters that I was doing about as well as an 18 dollar bill in a vending machine. He wanted to understand and felt my pain. It touched me deeply and I was glad for the letter. Accompanying the letter were two photos. The first showed Mohinder in front of a statue of Shiva the destroyer. Just like this one.


The second one showed a picture that he had taken on a trip to the zoo on P-day. It was of two baboons sniffing and playing with each other’s butts. It looked like this one. And had a note written on the back. Something along the lines of “I knew you would enjoy this.”

The letter and photos touched my heart and made me look deeper into perspective. I read those words and saw the photos just outside an ice cream shop where I met with Joseph, as my boyfriend, for one last time. I knew I needed to end things for both our sakes and so I did.

I wish I could say that Joseph and I are good friends now, but as it turns out I am probably the last person he would want to see. However, as the title of this series indicates, I was touched and changed by Joseph. He opened my heart, helped my Mother understand me a bit more, and helped me to see that perhaps a relationship wasn’t for me. I do’t know if I’ve been changed for the better, but because I knew Joseph, I have been changed for good.

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