What is this Feeling? - Part 5

Posted by BB | Labels: , , , | Posted On 05 March, 2010 at Friday, March 05, 2010

I, Beloved Boyd, am a Gay Mormon Boy and everything I say here is the truth to the best of my knowledge:

Rather than describe the next date with Joseph I have decided to take a moment and talk about my Mother in all of this. About a month had passed since Walter tried to commit suicide and our lives were stabilizing.

At this point I had heard about the movie Prayers for Bobby and one day had bravely asked my mom if she would take the time to watch it with me. I hoped that in watching a show about a religious mother and her gay son that my mom could come to accept me openly and lovingly rather than what I felt was begrudging acceptance at the time.

The Sunday after I met Joseph was the premier event for this lifetime movie. I asked Walter if he would join us as well and he said he would stay as long as he could. As we started watching the movie I connected with Bobby. Here he was, a Presbyterian gay boy in the early 80’s who felt a deep connection to do what was right and to obey and respect his mother.

However Bobby went through a few stages that mirrored my own. Bobby snuck out and visited the gay club, a point in the movie that my mother had me skip as she turned away with disgust. This was akin to my first night at the club with Hayden in Seattle.

Meanwhile, Bobby’s mother tried to enforce discipline and change Bobby by posting scriptures everywhere and forcing him into bible camps and the like. My Mother, after I left BYU, was similar. She kept constant inquiry into my consistent scripture study and ensured I participated in healthy, “wholesome” activities with other guys.

Bobby left home to stay with his friends and that is where he bloomed and found a boyfriend. I returned home from Seattle to Utah where I finally bloomed. I had begun to find a boyfriend and that was something I longed to discuss with my mother. But when Bobby kissed his boyfriend David I looked at my mom who continued to stare out the window.

When Bobby was heartbroken I felt his pain in the memories of Hayden. When Bobby thought of killing himself I knew his feeling of loneliness. When Bobby jumped off the bridge the connections with Bobby shifted to away from a connection with Bobby and towards one between the two mothers.

My mother surely felt the trauma that Bobby’s mother felt when she heard the news. I could feel the pain spreading between the two mothers in the room. As the movie progressed I hoped that my mother would become an advocate and supporter rather than becoming simply tolerant of me.

After the movie we started to have a discussion and I was left with a couple of distinct insights into my mother’s view. 1st, she didn’t want me to explain homosexuality from a religious perspective. She feared for her own testimony. 2nd, I learned that she really did love me regardless of who I loved. Finally I learned that she deeply cared for my happiness and that meant all the world to me.

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There are 3 Words of Warning for What is this Feeling? - Part 5