For Good

Posted by BB | Labels: , , , , | Posted On 28 March, 2010 at Sunday, March 28, 2010

I, Beloved Boyd, am a Gay Mormon Boy and everything I say here is the truth to the best of my knowledge:

After about 2 weeks into our relationship Joseph and I had a rare opportunity. Through Scott and Sarah we learned that a film producer named Reed Cowan would be making a documentary called 8: The Mormon Proposition. You may have heard about the movie or even seen it at its debut in Sundance, for those of you who haven’t, 8: The Mormon Proposition is a film that documents the efforts (alleged and open) of the LDS Church to pass Proposition 8 in California, a ballot initiative to ban same-sex marriage in California.

Reed’s goal with the film, as expressed to me at the time, was to document the trauma of the Church’s policy on LGBT Mormons. I learned that he was looking for gay mormon boys to tell their stories and so, after some persuasion by Joseph, I consented to go downtown and take a look at the filming. I thought I might participate, but I couldn’t know until I got there.

As I waited and watched I listened to the stories being told. I heard the straight actor from Hale Theatre who spoke out as an ally for his gay mormon friends in the theatre. I heard the bi woman who considered herself truly lucky to be blessed with an understanding husband because church leaders were so far from understanding. I saw the lesbian couple who struggled for their rights in, what they deemed as, the theocracy of Utah.

As I listened to these stories I was immobilized by fear. Could I really stand up and share my views? Would I be excommunicated for participating in this film? Did I have anything worthwhile to share? Joseph could sense my trepidation and so he held my hand and draped his arm around me for comfort. I felt like I had when I first told Hayden for the first time. I was literally shaking.

I then heard Emily Pearson tell her story of her father who left her family to live with a partner only to die of Aids in the arms of his ex-wife Carol Lynn Pearson. I heard her tell of her husband who had left her to live a gay bohemian lifestyle. I then heard her vilify the Church for the policies and teachings that had led to these traumas in her life.

At some point during this I realized that I needed to tell my story. I needed to speak up and so Joseph and I stepped forward together and had a few photographs taken of us and then I was wired with a mike and placed in front of the camera. Emily Pearson got permission from Reed to help conduct the interview. The lights went up, the cameras turned on and the interview began.

I don’t know what exactly was asked or how I answered the questions, but I do remember focusing mostly on my suicide attempt and how I didn’t feel remorse or anguish towards the church, only pain that it wasn’t talked about more so others could be helped.

After the interview I was calm and felt comforted by telling my story. It was the beginning of a new chapter in my life but even I didn’t know it yet.


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