A New Year for a renewed life - Part 9

Posted by BB | Labels: , , | Posted On 24 February, 2010 at Wednesday, February 24, 2010

I, Beloved Boyd, am a Gay Mormon Boy and everything I say here is the truth to the best of my knowledge:

So I had a date set. It calmed me down a bit. What helped though was continuing to go to the temple; continuing to study the scriptures; and continuing to pray for answers. Those 8 days however changed my life forever.

Somewhere in my readings I came across someone who mentioned that homosexuality was more prevalent in the bible, it was just called something else. Rather than be called “gay” homosexual men were eunuchs. Now I didn’t (and still don’t) know how accurate the information that you can simply interchange eunuch and gay and understand the scriptures. However that thought wormed away at me.

At the same time I shifted in thought process in my prayers. I had been praying to know “why”; why are there gay mormon boys like me; what are we supposed to do; why do we have such an impossible task. Somehow I decided to become selfish and stop wondering about all gay mormon boys, but instead focus on me.

Why am I gay Heavenly Father? What am I to do? Why does it feel like life is an impossible task? What would you have me do?

These two thoughts combined one day and my outlook changed entirely. I stopped trying to force God to answer me and instead submitted to his will. I still had questions, but the lack of answers was slightly manageable. I began to ask different questions and have a conversation with God.

Heavenly Father, please guide me how you wish me to live. If it means that I must become celibate and alone for my earthly life then so be it, I will become a eunuch for you. If it means I should find a wife, then please help me be faithful to that. Heavenly Father I need to know where to go, more than that, I need to know I am going in the right direction. I will go where you need me to be Lord and I will do whateverso thing you ask of me. If it were your will for me to castrate myself and cut off that which offends me, then I would do so. I just wish to follow you oh Lord. I trust in thee.

When I met with my bishop again on Sunday he pulled out the Church handbook of instructions as revelation regarding homosexuality, but the logic of it (which is and was weak) didn’t appeal to me. I needed spiritual guidance and answers. On Monday morning I awoke and went to meet with Elder Christensen. Apparently I got the date wrong and it was on Tuesday not Monday.

While I was upset that I had to wait another day I was kind of relieved. Elder Christensen’s office was on Temple Square and so I had the chance to go to the temple right before meeting with Elder Christensen. That night I prayed to Heavenly Father and pleaded with him to show me where my next action should be. Not where I should go, but where to place my foot. There is an African proverb that states; “When you pray, move your feet.” This is how I felt that the Lord would answer me and in the morning my faith was rewarded.

Comments:

There are 4 Words of Warning for A New Year for a renewed life - Part 9