A New Year for a renewed life - Final Part

Posted by BB | Labels: , , , | Posted On 27 February, 2010 at Saturday, February 27, 2010

I, Beloved Boyd, am a Gay Mormon Boy and everything I say here is the truth to the best of my knowledge:

Whenever we find an answer all it seems to reveal are more questions. When I left Elder Christensen’s office I had gained some answers and some direction but all I had was more questions.

God had told me that I needed to start looking for a husband and get ready to adopt kids. Elder Christensen had told me that Satan and/or my own desires were leading me away from the church. As I drove home the contrasting views clouded my mind.

On one hand I had two distinct and undeniable impressions from the spirit. The first gave me my testimony of God when I was at a point of utter despair. The second told me of what I should do with my life. My first question about the second revelation was “What?” the second “Why?”

I was in utter shock that I would be given such a revelation. It really was a foreign concept to me that I didn’t believe could happen. In asking why I had a couple of thoughts. 1st is that I stopped focusing on what is right for gay mormon boys and instead on what was right for me. I also stopped asking what was right and instead in which direction I should move my feet.

The second reason I thought of is that the Lord, having perfect empathy, was giving me this revelation so that A. I could know the spirit even better because B. I needed to have the hope of a husband now in order to divert my course away from a tragic and early death. To this day I still do not know why I was given this revelation, but I do now know my present course in life.

As for being led away by Satan I came up with a couple scenarios. 1, If Elder Christensen was right and Satan had the power to mimic the spirit perfectly then how do we know that everything revealed unto man wasn’t from Satan in the first place? How do we know that Satan didn’t create religion, the greatest cause of death worldwide?

2. If the second revelation I had came from Satan then that meant that the first also came from Satan. They were identical. If Satan is advocating for God’s position then he is NOT Satan.

If the second revelation was created by me then that meant my testimony in God; in the loving atonement of Christ; all of it was also created by me. If that were so then why was I in such angst and anger at the world? Why was I struggling with my faith? And even if it were a self-delusion, isn’t it better to live the delusion rather than suffer a life without the love of Christ?

These were my thoughts as I deconstructed the revelations in my life. It took me many months after the revelations to get to this point. Many nights of anguish and pain. They cost me a couple of relationships as well, but that is a story for another week, so stay tuned to the Journey of a Gay Mormon Boy.

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There are 4 Words of Warning for A New Year for a renewed life - Final Part