The Nightingale – Part 3

Posted by BB | Labels: , | Posted On 20 January, 2010 at Wednesday, January 20, 2010

I, Beloved Boyd, am a Gay Mormon Boy and everything I say here is the truth to the best of my knowledge:

I felt unloved by the object of my affections. If you have never known this feeling imagine this: You are surrounded by a warm summer meadow, the butterflies are dancing from bloom to bloom, but as you stretch forth and step forward, the meadow escapes you. I was Quirrell, I was Tantalus. I knew what I wanted and could see it, but it escaped me.

And yet this constant replay of rejection did not affect my resolution. I took every opportunity to be with Hayden, even if I ended up feeling stabbed in the chest. Eventually I got bitter and struck back at Hayden in a relatively cruel manner. I write this not because I am proud, but because I must.


It was Friday night and that meant we were going to hit the club. When I went down to Hayden’s room I found his roommates and he pre-gaming. Now he had pre-gamed before, but he was drinking a lot of wine and vodka this night and I noticed that his roommates were pouring it down him. Now, I do not drink and so the whole concept is foreign to me, but I knew he was fully liquored up before we left.

On the way to the club Hayden wasn’t feeling well, the alcohol had made him nauseated. Hayden told me that we could be something more together and I became confused. I thought that this might be the night that he realized that he was in love with me. He grew ill on the way to the club so we started to walk and Hayden ended up throwing up all the wine he had drunk earlier.

Eventually we got to the club and started dancing. Hayden started to dance up on me more so than ever before. I can only assume that he wanted to escape his life and so he had the booze and the guy to do it with. I was fine with whatever I could get and so I tried to kiss him. As I leaned in, he turned and separated from me.

We moved apart and started texting each other. I told him how I wanted to be with him and that he didn’t like me. Eventually his response was “You are going to be fine, with or without me.” This gave me mixed signals and so I wanted to get away and lose myself in someone’s lips and hips.


I began to look at other guys and a girl came up to me and started dancing with me. She asked me about myself and then introduced me to her friend, Dallas. Dallas and I danced and made out. And then we realized it was time to go. So I left without Hayden. I saw him, waved goodbye and saw him get upset. It made me happy.

I went home with the guy and fooled around to dull the pain. I then left and went back to the apartment building. I felt guilty and wrote Hayden an apology letter that was largely a lie. I shaped the email in a positive light. I asked for forgiveness and understanding and told him that Dallas and I just talked.

I wish these things hadn’t happened and wish that I was kinder to Hayden but I wasn’t. I tried once more to be with Hayden while in Seattle, but that is a tale for tomorrow. Warning, it will be explicit.

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