The Nightingale - Conclusion

Posted by BB | Labels: , | Posted On 22 January, 2010 at Friday, January 22, 2010

I, Beloved Boyd, am a Gay Mormon Boy and everything I say here is the truth to the best of my knowledge:

That last night on the couch I realized something. When I up from Hayden’s lap and saw his eyes my thoughts began a metamorphosis. I saw the compassion in his eyes, but mixed with my own pangs of guilt and seduction I realized the truth. His eyes pitied me.

That moment, that hour was the apex of our relationship. From that point on I began to realize the truth. I wasn’t in love with Hayden. It took me months to come to this realization but I finally discovered what had happened. Why, I wondered, why did I fall so hard for Hayden?

I searched for the answer within myself, and for a time I thought I was defunct. I thought I was broken because even after that night I looked for Hayden in everyone I met. When I looked for someone to go out with I began to classify guys by how close they were to Hayden in my mind. If you weren’t close enough then you “weren’t my type.”

I saw this illustrated in a movie and so I tried to avoid it when I started first went on a date after Hayden but it stuck around. I finally learned that I fell in love with Hayden because he was the first person to accept me for who I am.

There isn’t really a term for this phenomenon that happens so frequently in our world but I wish there were. It is a sudden attraction that hits you. You finally discover that you are not alone and you instantly bond to that person. Yesterday Gay Mormon Boy (GMB) posted his conclusion to his “AfterMARK” series. He has been discussing a couple of boys he dated once he dipped his feet back into the dating pool.

He made this observation that is strikingly similar to my own.
”It turned out my dreams for an atypical, manly guy were short-sighted and that my first love was still casting a heavy shadow over my love life and perhaps always would. My first love had become the standard every other man … in my life would be measured against, whether I liked it or not.

For us gay boys especially, but for everyone too, the first love stays with you and haunts your life as a specter of boyfriends past. In an attempt to quantify this phenomenon I have dubbed it “Nightingale Syndrome.” Urban Dictionary defines it best as:
”While not technically a medical syndrome, Nightingale Syndrome is known to be used to describe the situation in which a patient falls in love with his medical caretaker due to the vague bond created when healed by a complete stranger.

That is what happens to us as we come out and open ourselves to love. We are smitten by the first person that heals us with their love or acceptance. For me this is truth and is the reason this week’s series was entitled the Nightingale. Hayden, for all of my ups and lumps with him, is and was my Florence Nightingale. He is the one who brought me forward from the edge of destruction and towards a better life. Hayden, I owe you my life but it must be my own to live.

Beginning to close the door on Hayden opened up a new window in my life. It is true that when one door closes, God opens a window: granted, it may be out of reach or involve quite a long fall. Stay tuned to the Journey of a Gay Mormon Boy to find out which.>/i>


There are 6 Words of Warning for The Nightingale - Conclusion