My Darkest Hour Part 5 - The Dawn Breaks

Posted by BB | Labels: , , | Posted On 08 January, 2010 at Friday, January 08, 2010

I, Beloved Boyd, am a Gay Mormon Boy and everything I say here is the truth to the best of my knowledge:

I sat down to talk to this shrink with the goal in mind of simply getting out of the hospital and on with my life. He was an obstacle in my way who wouldn’t see where I was coming from. He had me sit down and tell him my story and how I ended up in the psych ward. So I told him that it wasn’t planned, that it was happenstance and that during the phone call I wanted to live and not die.

Yoda, Do or Do Not, There is No Try. Even for a gay mormon boy there is need to try
I told him the same thing I had been telling everyone else in the psych ward “After this experience I don’t plan on ever trying to commit suicide ever again.” This line wasn’t entirely truthful because in my mind I was telling myself; “Do or do not, there is no try.” I was planning on the possibility of me taking my life and if it happened, I would use a note strapped to my chest.

I told the Dr. everything on my mind. How I felt like I had two sides of myself inside me fighting to destroy the other. He tried to assure me that the problems of the world were on the other side of the psych ward door and that I was safe on the inside. At that point I was ready to give up on this man when he surprised me by realizing his error and fixing it.

He stopped and said “Wait… its all in your head though isn’t it?” Finally a breakthrough. Somebody realized what I was feeling. I told him that yes it was all in my head, that religion and sexuality were fighting in my head and being in amongst the crazies wasn’t helping. He realized this and told me I would be out in 36 hours.

The Liahona that guided Nephi and that has guided me through my gay mormon boy journey.
That was a relief, but it didn’t really help my bigger problems. The Dr. then told me “Perhaps your religion and your God are two different things.” I shrugged off his comment as being completely unfamiliar with Mormonism and moved on. The next day, my roommate and Hayden visited. While we were talking, my roommate, an RM who was a pretty spiritual guy, told me “You know Boyd, maybe there is a difference between the Church and God.” This time I heard it I was floored.

After that he left and Hayden and I talked and embraced before visiting hours were over. The Dr. recommended that I call my siblings and come out to them and so I did, but that is another series.

It is said, that it is always darkest just before the dawn. Well, twice in a short period I had the thought of a separation between Church and Gospel iterated to me. It gave me pause and gave me much needed time to think.

If you are thinking of Suicide, Call the Trevor Project

I firmly believe that those conversations were the first rays of the dawn that rose after my darkest hour. They may have been the first heralds of Apollo, but the journey is far from over. Stay tuned next week for more in the journey of a gay mormon boy.

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There are 12 Words of Warning for My Darkest Hour Part 5 - The Dawn Breaks