My Darkest Hour Part 2 - The Sun Sets

Posted by BB | Labels: , | Posted On 05 January, 2010 at Tuesday, January 05, 2010

I, Beloved Boyd, am a Gay Mormon Boy and everything I say here is the truth to the best of my knowledge:

The thinker was probably a gay mormon boy brooding over his existence in this worldAfter work I got home and started brooding. Brooding had become one of my main activities on my internship and this day was no different from any other, just another Thursday after work. Except. Except I was still frustrated and depressed. I had been brooding for months trying to figure out which half of who I was should live.
Gay Mormon Boy's are always left with choice, an ultimate choice that defines which camp we fall into. Which one do I fall into?

As I showed before I had the options laid out of either choosing my sexuality over my religion or the other way around in some form or another. I felt my life being dragged into a damned if you do damned if you don’t situation. Those are never pretty and it infuriated me that I couldn’t have the truth of what to do.

I tried to disseminate the anger I felt by exhausting my body. I went out for a run until my lungs were inhaling ice for the pain I felt. I went upstairs and threw myself onto my bed frustrated and hurting. I went into the bathroom to look for some Aleve but instead found my leftover Lortab. The pain in my lungs was intense enough that I took one and lay back down.

I thought about other ways, but I figured taking pain killers would be a less painful way for a gay mormon boy to commit suicide
The brooding continued and so I took the broom handle from our closet and went back outside. I channeled my frustration out into the broom handle and started to smash it against a large oak tree. I obliterated the broom handle until al that was left was a scrap of metal and my stinging hands. I went back upstairs and with the pain in my lungs still stinging as well as my hand screaming in pain, I took another Lortab.

I then lay back down on the bed and realized that perhaps there was an answer to my problems. I thought to myself: “Perhaps there was a solution to discovering the truth of the gay/Mormon dilemma. Well there had to be some resolution, but I couldn’t see it. My eyes are clouded by the veil. If one side of me has to die to be happy in this life, then why not just discover the fullness of truth and see beyond the veil”As I look back, that was the worst thing I could have ever done to my mother. Any gay mormon boy should have the decency to talk to someone live rather than leave them a voicemail.

So with that thought and 4 more pills left in my prescription of Lortab, I called my Mother. I was hoping to talk to her and figure things out but instead all I got was her voicemail. So I left this message.

“Hi mom, its me. I’m not doing so well and was hoping to talk to you. Anyway, I love you. And if you don’t hear from me… it’s not your fault.”

That is how the sun set on that Thursday and how I told my mother. I left her with that message and so I leave you, until tomorrow, with the same.


There are 2 Words of Warning for My Darkest Hour Part 2 - The Sun Sets