Deja Vu

Posted by BB | Labels: , , , | Posted On 25 January, 2010 at Monday, January 25, 2010

I, Beloved Boyd, am a Gay Mormon Boy and everything I say here is the truth to the best of my knowledge:

The beginning of the tear in my Nightingale Fa├žade with Hayden began just a few days before we were scheduled to go home from Seattle. I knew that my homecoming would be an interesting and unprecedented arrival to my life and to a new house my mom and step-dad had moved into.

I was still down and depressed from time to time because I wanted to know what to do. I still had the mentality I had in the psych ward that I wouldn’t “try” to commit suicide again. I didn’t know a lot of things. And that freaked me out.

I didn’t know how my mom was going to react to me being home. She could be sad and down, mad and upset, or aloof and distant. All three scared me. I feared that she would act like the mother from Latter Days. I would meet her at the airport only to discover that instead of giving me a hug she would keep her distance as she handed me a coat.

I didn’t know what to expect from my siblings. I knew that they were supportive of me living and may have said anything that would keep me alive during my phone calls with them. I feared that my brothers would treat me like a diseased person. Keeping their distance while trying to cure. I didn’t know how my sister might react but luckily she wasn’t in Utah either so I didn’t need to worry too much about her.


I didn’t know what to expect from the new house. My family had moved several times throughout the years and so I wouldn’t be restless in the new house, but would it be home? I had seen the place before I left for Seattle so I knew what to expect, but I feared that my room would have been moved to the basement. I felt like the kid in home alone with the thoughts of his basement.

So when I got off the plane I was frightened. Nervous and anxious are also words that describe my feelings. I came through security and met my mom at the car. She got out and gave me a big hug. It melted my resistance, and took away my fear. On the way home she talked about how my brother’s were wondering what I was up to that week because there was a video game party that I was invited to. Comfort and the normal were returning.


We got to the new house and my mom had made sure that I was taken care of. I had my soft bed, clean sheets and a warm heart waiting for me. It wasn’t a fairyland or a rehab center. It was home, my new home.

I was beginning to get settled in when one morning I woke up and knew my world had been turned upside-down, again.

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There are 3 Words of Warning for Deja Vu