Deja Vu - Final Part

Posted by BB | Labels: , , | Posted On 29 January, 2010 at Friday, January 29, 2010

I, Beloved Boyd, am a Gay Mormon Boy and everything I say here is the truth to the best of my knowledge:

Walter spent the next few days at the hospital with my mom close beside him. Me, well I went back home and sat in stunned silence. The adrenaline had long since worn off and the shock was settling in. My mom had been taken care of and was getting back onto her emotional feet, I on the other hand was taking the emotions in waves.

First was anger. How could Walter be so insensitive? How could he even think to destroy my mom’s life like that? They are joined together in marriage and killing himself would have destroyed her. I was pissed and so I punched a wall. It hurt. The pain made me go downstairs and grab some ice. I cooled down a bit and sat in front of the TV and watched who knows what. I took the ice off and just lost myself in whatever Christmas special was on.

When I got up to grab a drink of water I hit my shin on the table. More pain. Pain was the next emotion I was hit with. The pain from my hand; the pain from my shin; the pain from being told that I didn’t matter. By trying to kill himself Walter told me that I was a piece of shit. I felt like someone had punched me in the face. As I sat there on the couch I was in pain at feeling so unloved. It was the pain of Hayden all over again. I sat there and just wanted the pain to stop hitting me. So I began to focus my mind into the pain and chill of my hand.

It was then that I remembered a similar pain in my hand. The pain I felt when I tried to vent my anger before thanksgiving. To ease that pain I took a pill and then another and then another. It was now that I remembered this that I felt the next wave. Although, to be fair it felt more like I was strolling along the street and Irony came up and hit me with a 2x4.

Bitter irony because I realized, “Oh, Walter did almost exactly what I had done. He left several voicemails for my mother telling her that he was going to end it. (I left one). He then became unreachable and hard to find. My mom tried to get a hold of me but couldn’t and only after several hours discovered that I was safe at the hospital. Walter was depressed and in pain and wanted to end things, so was I.

I saw firsthand and felt, personally, the pain of an attempted suicide. It was then that I was hit with empathy. I now knew precisely how my mom felt, I knew how my siblings felt when they found out the news. It was then I had a giant breakthrough that saved my life. I went from thinking that I would never “try” to commit suicide again to knowing that I would never kill myself. It is so painful to those who are left behind that I know not to do it and I committed to that fact.

I had grown in my capacity for empathy. I could relate to the pain in others like never before and I had committed to never take my own life. These proved to be invaluable in the coming months. Stay tuned for further journeys of a gay mormon boy.

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