A Month of Firsts Part 4 – My First Desire

Posted by BB | Labels: , , , | Posted On 02 December, 2009 at Wednesday, December 02, 2009

I, Beloved Boyd, am a Gay Mormon Boy and everything I say here is the truth to the best of my knowledge:

The quiet desperation that we are paying for as Gay Mormons illustrated as a cartoon, If only the Journey of a Gay Mormon Boy were that simple!
In this first month, I went on a date with Hayden, went clubbing, met Darryl, went on dates with Darryl, and …
All this led me to reevaluate my life, my perspective on homosexuality and on the church. I began to look at each reference to gays, every allusion to them in scriptures, in ensign articles, and eventually found “In Quiet Desperation” and Northstar. I ordered IQD and read it inside of a day or two. In reading all this material and re-reading the Book of Mormon, I was faced with a terrible thought. What if I was like Laman and Lemuel, unable to see the truth that stood in front of them and smote them down? What if I was past feeling?

I got to this point in my journey at a critical juncture. The thought had been lurking in my mind and I had even written it down a few days before the impact of it hit me. I kept reading passages that made me think that the atonement had a limit and I was beyond it because of my choices, including Darryl. The full brunt of the breakthrough hit me on the way to my sister Serena’s birthday dinner.

I was on the bus when I realized that it had to be true, that I was actually past feeling and beyond the aid of my Savior. When I felt that I lost my will to live. I stepped off the bus and wanted to run out into the street so I could die rather than be pulled away from my Lord. I remember reading that Stuart Matis’ mom was glad that her son had died before he had broken any covenants and wondering how damned I was for having broken them. I knew that I shouldn’t kill myself and so I clenched my spiral notebook until it dug into my hands. I can honestly empathize with why people cut themselves after that experience because all I wanted was to feel something, anything, as proof that I could still feel.

This was the Notebook that saved my life. Its metal spirals cut into my hand and made me feel alive when I thought I was past feeling as a Gay Mormon Boy
That spiral-bound notebook saved my life. It allowed me to gather my thoughts enough to realize that killing myself of Serena’s birthday would traumatize her even more than just killing myself on a normal day. That thought got me to the restaurant and through dinner wearing my typical closeted mask of happiness while planning what I would do now that I was past feeling. It made me visibly depressed and that depression caught the eye of my father.

End Part 4

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