Freshman Year Part 2 – My Schizophrenic Life

Posted by BB | Labels: , | Posted On 29 December, 2009 at Tuesday, December 29, 2009

I, Beloved Boyd, am a Gay Mormon Boy and everything I say here is the truth to the best of my knowledge:

By the time I had my first foray into cruising in Provo, I had already been called as the Gospel Doctrine teacher. This was the beginning of a schism in my personality. Much like Michael Cera in the upcoming movie “Youth in Revolt,” I created a persona of what others needed to see me as and what I truly was.
Michael Cera expresses the schizophrenic  life of this gay mormon boy in his movie Youth Revolt.

I had the responsibility to teach and uplift my ward spiritually and so I read Hugh Nibley, the Manual, Talks from General Conference and the Ensign, in search of ways to engage the other members of my ward. I took the job seriously and tried to plan out my lessons about a week in advance. I would print out the lesson and map out what I would talk about where and write out bullet points of what I would say.

Now again, I was pretty shy and so the bravery I had discovered helped me to excel in this calling and helped me to teach what I hope were good lessons that drew on history and philosophy to describe key topics. However, I was also still cruising.

The 24hr fitness in Provo is a lie; they close on Sundays. That meant that one of the best times to cruise was Saturday around 10:00-11:59PM. That meant that my 9:00 o’clock church would be filled with little sleep and no spiritual preparation. That is until I discovered a deeper secret of the cruising world. Provo has nothing on Salt Lake. So I explored the different gyms and ended up at the 24hr fitness in Sugarhouse. Because this one was open on Sundays I changed my schedule to let me go and teach and then hit up the gays in the “sugarhood” for some afternoon delight.

However much I despise Anchorman, this afternoon Delight is what I thought of while driving down to sugarhouse for my gay mormon sexual encounters.My life became a world controlled by keeping my two personalities as far out of sync as possible. Both in my mind and with my friends, I told lies about where I was. One time I found a substitute for my class so I could go and cruise for a hook-up. I tell you this not because I want to boast, or because I am proud, or as some kind of therapy, but because it is the truth.

I was so stressed out by this schizophrenic schism that I started to get physically ill. My body couldn’t handle living two lives. But rather than tell someone about it, I lied to my doctors, to my parents and to my friends even more. If there is anything in my life I wish I could redo, this is on the top 3 for sure.

Needless to say, my life became a shattered mess that I hung onto throughout the first two semesters of school. My bishop knew nothing and praised me for my dedication and hard work. I took a break for spring, but came back again for summer semester and until tomorrow, that is as far as this journey goes.


There are 0 Words of Warning for Freshman Year Part 2 – My Schizophrenic Life