Freshman Year - Discovery

Posted by BB | Labels: , | Posted On 28 December, 2009 at Monday, December 28, 2009

I, Beloved Boyd, am a Gay Mormon Boy and everything I say here is the truth to the best of my knowledge:

My freshman year at BYU was filled with a lot of misdeeds. They are choices that looking back I wish I wouldn’t have done, but having done them, they have helped shape who I am now. Just like last week, this will be a 4 post series.

As I said when I described meeting Mohinder, I started out college by turning over a new leaf. The old Boyd would have gone into his room and read a book. But something about a fresh start away from my family sparked a new Boyd. I decided that if I wanted to be confident, all I needed to do was pretend I was. I recalled this quote “We are not the masks we wear. But if we don them, do we not become them?” and I realized that if I pretended to be confident that I would become so. I wouldn’t be as shy, as emotional, as much of a loner.

The Green Goblin became the mask he wore just as I hoped I would as a shy gay mormon boy at BYU
I started doing this and I discovered myself. I discovered that I really was confident, but only after I realized that what others though of me didn’t really matter. With this new-found self, I became braver. And that led to a new discovery that I wish wouldn’t have happened.

I discovered my bravery when I took my porn addiction to the next level. I began to look at sites designed to meet people for hook-ups. I started looking more and more and discovered that the gyms around Provo were the perfect venues for my new discovery. Cruising. I started hanging out at Gold’s Gym and the 24 hr fitness in Provo and I discovered how to meet guys for casual sex. I discovered the subtle signs to look for and to broadcast my desires to others.

I learned how to look at peoples eyes; how to start-up a cold conversation with someone, how to just “accidentally” brush their skin. I spent many hours at the gym, not working out, but in-between the pool, hot-tub, sauna and steam room.

I was young and could have my pick of nearly any guy I wanted whether it was a muscle jock or a troll. I started out on this path and this journey after a few months into the semester and I would go cruising about once every 2 weeks.

The one thing I didn’t discover was that I was actually gay. I just thought that I had been so testosterone filled and so horny from my porn addiction that I had to release somehow. I knew that defiling a woman would have been worse and so I went with guys.

That was my delusion several years ago but now I know that I am gay, and that I don’t have to be ruled by my sexual desires.

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There are 4 Words of Warning for Freshman Year - Discovery