Coming Out to Mom Part 5 - The Sound of Silence

Posted by BB | Labels: , , , | Posted On 18 December, 2009 at Friday, December 18, 2009

I, Beloved Boyd, am a Gay Mormon Boy and everything I say here is the truth to the best of my knowledge:

Shame is an interesting beast. It can completely demoralize a person and leave him beaten and destroyed. Shame is what I felt when I told my mom that I could no longer go to BYU. I eventually got on my feet and landed my internship in Seattle. I came out to friends and dad shortly thereafter and I knew that it was time for me to tell my mom when she flew up to see me about a month after I told my dad.

In typical mom fashion I stayed with her at her hotel in a room with 2 double beds. I had 4 nights like this and I have no doubt that she knew that my life was boiling underneath the surface. There were constant periods of utter silence and several times that I thought I was about to tell her everything.

On the last night she was in town she asked "What are you thinking?" to which I replied something along the lines of "Just examining how far my life has come since High School"
"What do you mean" she asked
"Well mom… No its nothing"
"What" she inquired sternly
"Well" I paused, the words getting caught in my throat "Mom … I'm Gay"

Silence

16 bars of rest resulting in complete and utter silence
More Silence

It was silent in that room except for the sound of cars below.

The silence lasted for about 35 minutes until I broke it by asking; "What are you thinking?"
"Well"… Silence "Maybe you only think you are gay. As your mother I would have known, I would have seen signs. Maybe you are wrong. How do you know for sure?"
"Mom, I know" I trembled to say
"How? Its not like you have had any experience with these things"
"Actually Mom" I cried, "I am not your perfect son, trust me I know, many times over I know."

Silence again

I never learned to stop worrying and embrace the silence, but my journey of as a Gay Mormon Boy has been filled with many hours of silence.The silence became so uncomfortable that I told her that I felt like I should leave the room and go back to my apartment to give her time to grasp everything. She said I didn't have to go but still I felt the need to sleep in my own bed and have some comfort from Hayden who would help me process everything.

So I went home and on the way told Hayden to prepare for a downtrodden Boyd. When I walked in he held me and even with the warmth of his embrace I felt isolated from the world. The next morning I met with my mother in her room and helped her pack for home. She offered to stay and comfort me but I told her that I would be fine. While she was in the bathroom I slipped "In Quiet Desperation" into her suitcase.

After she landed she called me and told me that no matter what she still loved me, that I was her son but that she didn't believe I was gay. Largely because she hadn't seen any of the signs in me that were vastly different from my 2 straight brothers. She then told me that she didn't need my copy of "In Quiet Desperation" because a few years prior she had picked it up. Apparently she didn't think I was gay either before or after buying it.

So that is how I came out to my mom. How I shamefully ruined her image of her perfect son slowly over time. Things have changed in the past year. Stay tuned in and keep reading the journey of a gay mormon boy.
-BB

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There are 7 Words of Warning for Coming Out to Mom Part 5 - The Sound of Silence